I am... by ashlee

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: I am... dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	ashlee_jane2003
ASL Info:	24-female-Indianapolis
Elite Ratio:	3.39 - 210/210/39
Words:	63

Class/Type:	Poetry/The pain inside
Total Views:	311
Average Vote:	4.0000
Bytes:	376

Description:
This piece might be kind of cliché and I'm ot for sure if the ending to great... Please let me know what you think.

I am...

-------------------------------------------

I am body hollowed out...
In my mind there is no doubt.
Slowly killing me are the words you shout.

I am a girl coming undone...
In my life there is no fun...
Slowly killing me are the fights I never won.

I am a person losing grip...
Farther away reality slips...
Slowly killing me is my heart as it rips.

Submitted on 2004-11-12 08:35:02 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I in no way thought of this piece as cliché. It spoke volumes and came from the heart. How can a piece of poetry be cliché when it stems from our greatest emotion as a writer. We only write about the most passionate experiences that change us, transform us into what and who we are today. These were the lines that reminded me of myself.

I am a girl coming undone...
In my life there is no fun...
Slowly killing me are the fights I never won

~BCute
| Posted on 2005-05-04 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
  Interesting format, Sometimes poetry with structure is nice. maybe you could make it a little longer and deeper, or maybe not. Its up to you. Nice write.
| Posted on 2004-11-12 00:00:00 | by solararia | [ Reply to This ]
  i think this i am is you, this piece is very strong in terms of feelings, it is deeper, it has many layers to it.
if one read it carefully heshe can find out much about you, it is just amazing how in these 9 lines you expained every thing for who want to know you and only a little bit for those who are just visitors.

a little summary of what i understood

first line tell what is happening
second lines tells what it has done or maybe your mental state.
third line gives a clue about what is really happening.

the first para is very informative,
it show you r being hurt by someone really important to you.

2nd para

first line is very powerful and i must confess this is dangerous what i feel is this line distracts a lot from the meaning since this lines gives too much to imagine,
and maybe sometimes i can imagine something that never was there.
second line is ok, see when someone is reading he look upon previous or next comming line as explanatoin but being previous line like that it can mislead.
third line is clearing little doubts but there is still many paths open and a i am waiting thinking which one to choose.

over all third para tell much about you as a person, i mean how you deal with things but sadly it didn't help in describing a situation, i liked this para in terms of information.

3rd para

first line tell what the whole situation done to u. it is a good line to expain things.
second line is just an extention to first line making things more clear.
third line is clearing what all doubts.

i figure out that at in this para you found the rythm back, i mean this para is very clear, no distractions.

many ppl don't like my comment since they are offending sometimes.
i know how this comment might have made you feel,
it sounded like you are a student and i am your teacher and a very disturbing one.
i am sorry to write such comment.
but i thought you have great telent and maybe something can help you to plish this skill.

overall this poem is fantastic, good ryhming specially because it didn't brought down the intensity of the poem, it looked very natural.

i hope this sort of works will keep on submiting.

bye
inshant.
| Posted on 2006-08-11 00:00:00 | by imagination | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.