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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Text Book Lovedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 135
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 753
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 859



    Description:
       ok so anyone who has ever read any of my other works will know I stray away from rhyming, it has never been a strength of mine nor a passion. However there are those on this site whos use of it has changed my view on the use of rhymes. on such individual whos works I respect greatley is Up_And_Aroused. Regardless of what I've heard others say about him I hold him as a friend and respect him as a writer. Now because of this I had challenged him to a friendly competition to see who could better capture the others style now after having read his attempt to capture mine I feel he did a better job, however I am kinda found of the piece I wrote so I decided to share it. I think its kinda corny, but I am proud at this minor attempt of using rhyme. So please leave your thoughts but be gentle on this piece please


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsText Book Lovedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Ive written of you inside of this book
    So many words, with unmitigated passion
    Hoping to snag you, on this poem my hook
    So I may reel you in, and show you
    Im a man of great enterprise


    Because there exists within me confined
    a heart deserving closer inspection
    For it is you that brings peace of mind
    Such ubiquitous beauty Ive tried to capture
    Immortalized upon paper


    Would you help me to fill the pages
    So this story me be passed on
    A romance that weathered the ages
    letting those who stand in disbelief learn
    chivalry still breathes free air


    And when were old and gray
    We can sit and look
    Laughing loud and gay
    As we read the nave words
    Written inside our novel




    Submitted on 2004-11-12 15:34:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Your write didn't seem corny at all, in fact I liked it better than Up-and_ Aroused. I'm not good at rhyming either. I just write how I feel. At least you weren't afraid to step outside of your box and have some fun at the same time. Adding to favs.
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by Pogirl | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't think it's corny at all. I'm with you on rhyming. I feel it constricts me so much. Those that do it with apparent ease are far more talented than I. I suggest you check out the older work of phil askew and anything by Daniel Barlow.

    I love your story. it's romantic and sweet, if one man can say that to another LOL. I mean that in a good way, sweet - like heartfelt. Big difference from corny...Bonus points for the fact that it was part of a challenge, leaving inspiration out of the equation, and super bonus points for using the word chivalry in a sentence. You know I dig that word.

    Nice work John.

    Peace
    | Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      Trying to rhyme is a hard thing once you've passed it or never had it...you've done a fine job here...there are a couple of lines I think that you didn't even force...which most would...
    'To Rhyme Better'...which drives me crazy.

    The whole idea of this one has so much hope...
    brillant to see from you...did you dance this weekend? Hope you and your friends had a blast...oh, this is not about your weekend, back to the poem... Hard to try and bring some thing that doesn't just flow huh?...
    Reminds me of that beautiful couple, holding hands and smilling like children...we've all seen a couple like that...this is thier poem...so cool ;)

    hmmm...me wonders if he'll try more...rhyme and ' Hope to Come '...writes...and says...mah
    no matter...I be readin' anyway!

    Kelly
    | Posted on 2004-11-15 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]
      johnny...hmmn...well rhyming eh...i don't mind ryhming poems i just can't rhyme that well...lol..i think you did a pretty good job for a person who avoids this style of writing...though some just have the talent of it pouring out of them that way...up n aroused...you know it must pour out of him...hes the only person i know who can spew out a perfectly rhyming write not just one but sometimes four in a day ...but anywho...sorry if i ramble...lack of sleep is ...so does the content of this write speak any truth or did you just need something to write about or did up n aroused use the same topic...since he deleted his writes i'm clueless...i'll comment on the contents anyways...lol...truth to it or not...i really liked the words of this write...it seems a poem written for someone trying to win them over...i think its a very sweet sentiment...why doesn't anyone every write me a poem like this...lol...ok i'm finished complaining...anywho back to the write...sorry if i sound like a rambling moron..i like the idea of of the novel of there life together...and looking back on it...i really like the description of the person in the second stanza...just the write as a whole ...was sweet...purps
    | Posted on 2004-11-14 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      I look back andred what I wrote as well. I tend to ryhme a lot in my poems but I've been trying to not do so, create good imagrey because that's one thing I look for in a good poem. Poems can be writen in away way to the writer's choosing. Writing has no boundries- that'swhy I love it. Keep sticing to your format, it works well
    | Posted on 2004-11-12 00:00:00 | by Emmalee | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought it was good as well, especially for someone who has no skill for rhyming. For some reason today people seem to believe that poetry that rhymes is somehow inferior to poetry that doesn't. I don't believe rhyming or not rhyming has anything to do with the quality of the poem, unless of course you are only rhyming for the sake of rhyming ( like Fifi said) because then it just gets cheesy. However, I am personally a fan of rhyme and I think it takes skill to rhyme without becoming corny. So, congratulations on doing that, and nice job.
    -brandy
    | Posted on 2004-11-12 00:00:00 | by w0rdz_0f_wizd0m | [ Reply to This ]
      The rhyme is okay, but it doesn't always seem to flow well, the metaphores are a little bit clich as well I'm afraid. As a whole it's a good poem though, and brings across the feeling very well.
    | Posted on 2004-11-12 00:00:00 | by Lostinbeer | [ Reply to This ]
      Ooh honey, please re-write the last line, it honestly let me down a bit, because the rest of the poem was very good. For someone who doesn't like using rhyme i think you've done very well. Unlike some writer, who shall remain nameless, you've managed to use rhymes whose only purpose isn't just because they rhyme with a word you've already used. Well done! Because i detest static rhyming as i call it. But back to your poem, its very mature, i'm only 16 so it seems very mature to me. I really like the line, "on this poem my hook" it just seemed to incorporate the two meanings of hook really well. For someone just trying to copy the style of someone else i think you've done a very good job of writing a poem, i can't comment on the copying style part though, sorry!
    This isn't being gentle, this is the truth, its good! Honestly!
    | Posted on 2004-11-12 00:00:00 | by Fifi | [ Reply to This ]
      the rhymes and stuff..that was all secondary to me cause the poem sounds like what my head and heart says so much, what i want and it hit me too much to think or care about the style or format etc. i think that's what the most meaningful poetry should do, style and all that is pointless if the reader doesn't relate or feel.
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by joe quinn | [ Reply to This ]


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