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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Transparent Birddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: deadndreaming
    Elite Ratio:    6.75 - 1360/1263/81
    Words: 175
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1153
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1201



    Description:
       I wrote this a few years back and mostly what I remember about it is that it started out as an exercise. I was kinda getting into haiku at the time and at the same time was interested in form as an equal to content, beauty in both being equally important. I'm not sure how to format it properly here so I'll have to rely more on content. Anyway, my challenge was to put together a series of haiku-inspired pieces that stand out individually but when strung together form a whole. Once I found my inspiration I got more involved in telling my story, and freed myself a bit, but I think I stayed pretty true to the concept. Would love any input I can get. The story itself might seem obvious, though you'd be surprised at what I really meant by it. I'd like to know what it means to you and if you feel I came anywhere near accomplishing what I set out to do.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTransparent Birddots
    -------------------------------------------


    I grasp at drifting leaves
    But you, a rare bird,
    Have always escaped me.

    Ever winding, this road,
    In all its bends I turn;
    The bird has never gone.

    Suddenly, as I wake,
    You are on my window sill.
    The noon sun engulfs you.

    Bird, if I could fly like you,
    The things I could see
    From your point of view!

    Alas, gravity wins;
    My wings are but flesh.
    Midday shadows creep.

    Darkness does evening bring,
    All inclusive, yet
    Secrets whisper with the wind.

    Time lapses and shifts
    Like the sun to the moon.
    Where did the day go?

    Night falls; dreams rage like fire.
    I'm perched on a high bough,
    You call me from another.

    Day breaks; dreams quickly fade.
    Birds fly from window sills.
    Memories run from light.

    Bird, I can see you now;
    My eyes cry for your sky.
    My feet sink like anchors.

    Taken by the high sun
    I'm blinded in the flash.
    The window sill looks cold




    Submitted on 2004-11-12 20:06:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      How curious...the day I post my very first attempt at haiku, I come across this.

    Shows how high the plank can be - this is beautiful....

    Your imagery was incredibly elusive..just like the Bird. The poem travells through day and nighttime, illustrating the subtle change of atmosphere as the day progresses, to disappear into to the night...and then start all over again...a neverending chase of Time...always just there - but never within reach, withing grasp....

    It gave me an image of dreams and goals...or maybe even some part of you, an inspiration that you felt you could not command, and were hollow without....

    Mind you, I am most likely off the point - but then, art is subjective, isnt it...

    Im getting to know your work from the beginning...and to be honest with you, its almost ...intimidating...People progress and improve - and if this is only the beginning, I dont think Im qualified to comment on the more recent submissions of yours...:)

    All the best,

    Katia
    | Posted on 2005-05-11 00:00:00 | by Katia | [ Reply to This ]
      This had to be a sunofabeyotch to format, wasn't it? I mean, to center each line, I don't think there's an easy code for that, is there? There OUGHTA be! But you know the form of this poem is pleasing . . . not on the typesetting of the typographical level, it's more in the sonics, specifically the cadences that establish a rising and falling rhythm. There are some quirks with the arrangement of stressed and unstressed syllables . . . so it's not a perfect composition, but I liked what you did with it. A simple, yet pleasing piece.

    Nice one, bud.
    | Posted on 2005-06-01 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      have you ever read Wallace Stevens, Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird? Your poem kind of reminds me of that one. overall I liked this although this would not be one of my favorites-I think this one needs more reflection on your part and a few changes. I have no concrete suggestions at this point. I would take another look at this one when you have time. make it great. of course, you can always tell me where to go if you don't like my suggestion. it is, after all, your poem.
    | Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this! It doesn't always follow the haiku form, but it stands on its' own as a poignant tale of unfulfilled dreams over time. The illusive gift of love, just out of reach always. The imagery of the "transparent bird "was perfect, -the bird in itself hard enough to capture, but when transparent-renders the task impossible.
    I liked the third strophe-where you say "the morning sun engulfs you"-I happened to be charmed this morning, (right now) by the prisms reflected from the crystals hanging in my window,-outside the bright snow and the golden shafts of sunlight catch them-and I just happened to read that strophe, -I imagined the transparent bird as a crystal, but you could see her beauty and charm when highlighted by the sun.
    I really have no criticism at all except maybe here and there get rid of a few "the's" and "a" s-it makes it more fragmented like haiku, and those words don't contribute anyway to the poem, -they just take up syllable space. But if you hadn't said you were trying for haiku effect, i wouldn't have mentioned that.

    I liked also the touching futility and frustration in the next to last strophe
    "Bird, I can see you now;
    My eyes cry for your sky.
    My feet sink like anchors." -especially the middle line, which rather distills the thrust of the whole poem.
    of course, the last concluding lines are perfect to, continuing both the dazzling sunlight imagery, and the illusive transparent bird. Love really is really like that I think.
    Silver
    | Posted on 2005-02-16 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      I decided I'd come back and check out stuff of yours that I missed. Well, this makes me think of those intangible things for which we all search. Sometimes people turn into intangibles because they are so far out of reach that they almost dissolve into an idea.

    I like the idea of stringing haiku. I did some of them in college. They were never this good though.

    "Ever winding, this road,/In all its bends I turn;/The bird has never gone" is interesting. I like the idea of life as a road (as touched upon by Jim Morisson, Iggy Pop, and others). "The bird has never gone" sounds like you're being haunted or stalked by your feelings.

    "You are on my window sill./The noon sun engulfs you" reminds me a bit of "The Raven. I like how the sun dissolves the bird.

    "Alas, gravity wins;/My wings are of flesh" suggests that this isn't a bird of flesh. I also see how you could say "My wings are flesh" even if it were a real bird. Wings have little flesh to them. They seem to be lighter than air assemlages of feathers.

    "Darkness does evening bring,/All inclusive, yet/Secrets whisper with the wind" is also Poe-like. I like how you call darkness "all incusive." It's true even in the sense that black contains all colors of the visible spectrum. It also envelops all.

    "Night falls; dreams rage like fire./I'm perched on a high bough,/You call me from another" also reminds me of Poe. This bird won't leave you alone even in your dreams. Perhaps that's all she is, and she makes all the lines between reality and dream blur. You want to make this real.

    I like how you used the window sill to tie this together. This "bird" is always nearby.

    This leaves one to wonder what the bird represents. Is it your soul? Is it love? I think many things could fit.
    | Posted on 2005-01-22 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      I would say the only thing about this piece that might be improved upon is to avoid the redundancy of using the words "window sill" too often. You do an excellent job throughout of conveying the imagery of your thoughts without repetition with the exception of those words, which are used three times and seemed to break the power of the rest of the piece because of it.
    | Posted on 2004-12-16 00:00:00 | by Emerging Soul | [ Reply to This ]
      I think that you accomplished what you set out to do; every haiku goes nicely with thte rest. The only lines I was displeased with where these two "The things I could see,
    The wonder I could feel!" Well that whole stanza does have the dr. Suess element mary sunshine was talking about; not bad, it doesn't quite go with the rest of the piece. Still there are some beautiful images in here "I grasp at drifting leaves
    But you, a rare bird,
    Have always escaped me.

    Alas, gravity wins;
    My wings are of flesh.
    The midday shadows creep."
    That line made me think of midday I'm always tired around this time.
    This line; "My eyes cry for your sky.", I absolutely love. There is nothing spectacular aout it's content but the consonace of the ry repeated is beautiful aloud. Thanks for sharing this/these wonderfully ambitious piece/s.
    peace
    | Posted on 2004-12-12 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
      OK, two quick critiques before I gush...
    "The things I could see,
    The wonder I could feel!" With these lines, I hear that Dr. Seuss book..."Oh the places you'll go"...or whatever (that one we all got for high school graduation). I hear the sentiment, but I want it to be more specific. what "things" oh the -Wonder I kinda like, but "feel" feels general...

    Also "my wings are flesh"...jolted me out of the moment because bird's wings are flesh as well...could your wings be "heavy" or "solid" or "awkward" or "weak"? Just little, (I write plays, continuity is my compulsion)

    "Bird, I can see you now;
    My eyes cry for your sky.
    My feet sink like anchors.

    "Taken by the high sun
    I'm blinded in the flash.
    The window sill looks cold"...I love these lines...I could read them daily...I love "Flash" and how the window looks cold...so vivid...awesome!
    | Posted on 2004-11-25 00:00:00 | by marysunshine | [ Reply to This ]
      I am intrigued by the way you had each haiku standing on its own, yet together they complement each other well enough to change the feel to another theme entirely.
    Overall, I was reminded of shadows; moving through the day, lurking off to a tryst in the darkness.
    yet, each haiku could be read as another theme with the symbol of the bird in flight, leaving you behind...
    Thought provoking piece, with fantastic images.
    I thoroughly enjoyed it. :D
    | Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by latentlylyrical | [ Reply to This ]
      For a write a few years back, this was absolutely brilliant. The title suited the write perfectly and all of the stanzas were great, and I love haiku so that made this write all the more brilliant. The first stanza is also a perfect intro, grasping for leaves, longing for flight, the imagery throughout was superb! Welcome to this site and I'm adding this to my favourites list! Excellent write!
    | Posted on 2004-11-13 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
      A great idea! Great execution! You do not follow through on the form of your verses. Syllables go from 6-5-6 to 5-6-5 to 6-6-8 It does not matter unless you are trying (or meant) to stay in tru Haiku form. Just pointing it out- it does not hurt the piece at all. Traditional American goes 5-7-5 but can also go 2-3-2, or have one lyne of17 syllables or less... The best principle to go by is- write what can be said in one breath... You did a kick @$$ job! ~#6-
    | Posted on 2004-11-12 00:00:00 | by Six_Grey | [ Reply to This ]
      I love your haiku bra'. I really like the line "Where did the day go?". This really made me think of when I was living in California and would spend days in a hammock surrounding by pine trees about two hundred feet from the Pacific Ocean. I would just look up through the pine needles and various other tree leaves and wonder what it would be to fly. Thanks for brining back good memories. Juan.
    | Posted on 2004-12-29 00:00:00 | by johnny boy | [ Reply to This ]
      Want to know how really dumb I am? I didn't know you could string Haiku. Tried it once and liked it, very challenging. I really like what you did here. How often do you post? Please add more of this. I'll be watching. Do you find Haiku harder?
    | Posted on 2004-12-30 00:00:00 | by wannabe1 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think that your haikus are very successful on both the literal and spiritual level, as haikus should be. You have done well to bring the related collection together in a manner that seems to have chronological order. The recurrig theme of the chase for the bird, the symbolism of the creature, all combine to make this very dramatic. I have nothing to criticise here nor is there any recomendation for change. Sure, I might have written a word differently here or there, but that doesn't mean it should be changed from your form.
    Let me know when you put up somthing new!
    Dave
    | Posted on 2004-11-17 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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