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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Addicted Love Storydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: leper messiah
    ASL Info:    21~f~New England
    Elite Ratio:    5.02 - 197/249/38
    Words: 269
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1449
    Average Vote:    1.0000
    Bytes: 1760



    Description:
       this i wrote one night in a barnes and noble...i have so much writing, guys, its really been unreal...but this one i just sort of typed up and figured while i'm here i might as well give y'all some eye candy...haven't posted anything recent in a while...so hope someone enjoi's it. later on for now, lovelies~


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAddicted Love Storydots
    -------------------------------------------


    And I didn’t leave
    Not after those cruel nights
    you went darkly into the lower-
    lost Chinatowns of hiding
    I stayed behind with an itchy
    pair of pajama pants
    Clutching the needles we shared
    Memory of the dusted and
    clusterfucked apartment…

    Flustered and damn jim-dandy
    What happened under our sheets
    and how long did we let it go…
    I could crawl next to you
    w/o being servile, you could
    ignore me and be just so
    sweetly you, as the laughing
    jerk --> Friendly curse on
    our lover’s bed
    Descending we’d flirt,
    as uncertainty floated on
    above our heads…

    I in my poet’s chair, goddammit
    its just a crate, you’d say,
    and fuck you if you think so
    Stole two pairs of panties and
    a bra today, under my clothes
    stalking into stores and making
    queries at the salesclerk
    You sure no one knows?…
    Quiet,
    you’re too obvious, they
    need to think I’m gonna buy it…



    You are insane, you’d squeeze
    me nearer as you say
    Isn’t it funny how some god
    made us this way
    When everyone else apologizes
    and we just turn away?…

    Well anyway…
    the story still goes
    I in my gutter, with black eyes
    and frozen toes
    Wonder what gave you back to me
    the form of true addicts
    you steady the shake of me
    in my grimy shirt, stolen pants
    Tells me wipe your tears,
    deep-breathe it in,
    Stop being so dramatic…
    then I’m calm
    I wanted you before the trials
    All showed up in our arms




    Submitted on 2004-11-14 11:26:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      this is quite a piece to digest.
    i think i would really like to read this four or five times to make a comment that would be worthy of what you have written, but if i do that then i will probably never some back to comment because i have a tired little brain and too much work for a population.
    so i will do what i can, with the two reads i have had.
    i agree that this is 'raw', and this is a good place for me to start, but i do not agree that this is 'ramblings'. it neds to be raw, slightly erratic, and a little 'all over the place,' for want of a better expression, for it to be relative to the life of a drug addict/drug addicts. so stylistically, i think you have it bang on.
    i also think it is good to mess about with punctuation. to experiment and try things that may end up as an effective tool, though i think that the arrow and the ellipses [especially after a question mark] do not do your piece justice, in that they make it look like these were added as an afterthought, like you did not know what to put in their places. and it sticks out so much because you seem to have great contol over your writing despite the style you have employed, which is not an easy task. they slightly demean your overall picture, and that is an injustice.
    this piece is quite an epic, and i think you have stamped just enough control without pulling too tight.
    you make the piece very matter of fact, and that is what i think gives it its charm to those who have commented. you have not overdosed in analogies or metaphors, but you have painted a down to earth picture with random interjections of colloquialism to make it emminently more relatable to most of us.
    i do think you need to look at your capitalisation, such a pain in the ar-se i am sure but it seems a little random and unsure of itself, and with a piece of this length and stature, i think you could use it as a powerful tool.
    maybe i will pop back again and make another comment in a little more depth if i get the chance, there is definitely more going on with more reads, and this is always to the credit of a piece,
    nice.
    take care
    on1eday
    | Posted on 2004-12-16 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      [THIS WAS NOT STAR_SEARCHER COMMENT, AND I DON't KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON ON THIS BLOODY-[censored]ING SITE, BUT I'VE GOT ENOUGH OF IT ALL, ESPECIALLY ON DAYS LIKE THIS, WHEN YOU WANT TO SAY [censored] TO EACH ONE YOU MEET AND WHEN YOU POST SERIOUS WORDS YOU ARE SIGNED AS A SOMEONE ELSE! JUST GREAT! BUT I AM NOT GENEROUS JESUS]

    re:

    It's so... strange. Like being on an edge of psychical vulnerability, and trying to self-explain some things... I am not sure but this should be a dialog, while it's not. It's like playing cat-mouse game in your own consience. You became wiser, but it's not a cool process... cause lots of pain 's got to be thrown into it.

    The stanza with salesclerk is fascinating, but I'm not sure if I got that well. By "they need to think I'm gonna buy it..." you are planning something... something different from a typical plan of a man who steals things, something dramatic... don't you?

    Yes, things ARE NOT obvious at all.
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by Nightraven | [ Reply to This ]
      It's so... strange. Like being on an edge of psychical vulnerability, and trying to self-explain some things... I am not sure but this should be a dialog, while it's not. It's like playing cat-mouse game in your own consience. You became wiser, but it's not a cool process... cause lots of pain 's got to be thrown into it.

    The stanza with salesclerk is fascinating, but I'm not sure if I got that well. By "they need to think I'm gonna buy it..." you are planning something... something different from a typical plan of a man who steals things, something dramatic... don't you?

    Yes, things ARE NOT obvious at all.
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by Star_searcher | [ Reply to This ]
      Goodness, that was a bad comment: I love the playfulness in this poem, the kind of daring/teasing thing & the warmth & human-ness of the relationship, but with a bit of a darker tone in some of the last stanza… Becky
    | Posted on 2004-11-14 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]
      I think it's great. Is there a reason why you use abbreviations though, I like the colloquial stuff but 'w/o'? Really?

    In the last stanza 'Tells me' is weird, I don't know who/what is telling you. Do you mean 'Tell me', if you're referring to the person you're addressing in the poem?

    I love the way it's like one side of a conversation and I like the whole thinking far out of the box thing you've got going. The last two lines finish it perfectly.

    Love it, April, & it's great to read a new piece by you; read your journal & I'm sick too, got the flu. Get well soon eh.

    Becky
    | Posted on 2004-11-14 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, i will say it is an interseting read. This poem seemed to jump around lot, like you weren't sure what you were trying to say, and at the same time the reader can relate and link their own memories to your words, and then the poem makes sense. It's not a bad poem, but if you want more people to understand it, thinking that far out of the box may cause some to turn away clueless, but i liked it.
    | Posted on 2004-11-14 00:00:00 | by Mercy December | [ Reply to This ]
      god this is so raw... it kinds sounds drunken/high ramblings ya know...? like the way my dad tells stories when he trashed... i liked it... it kinda felt familiar but then not at all...
    its very sad though... heart breaking even...
    i loved the poets chair/crate... that was style... the way you drew in the small minutest details... brilliant!
    at my first read i wasnt sure whether you mean trials or trails in your arms... but yeah...this is such a real write... you know... one the reflects society to those who cant see it for themselves... be it coz their blind or ignorant... bt even then i wouldnt imagine it would quite open their eyes... some ppl just dont wanna know... ya know???
    anyways yeah... again i gotta say it great to see you back! love ya!
    | Posted on 2004-11-29 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Well darlin',

    It has been a while, and I seem never to return to disappointment. I think this an absolutely brilliant write. The tone is one that I see evolving in you and your work. It is the maturity and honesty of the words, the way over the months I have seen you progress into a far better writer than I, but then you paid the dues, and I just became that b*stard who comes around every now and then. But what I am saying is that this is the type of writing I want to not only read, but also to write. I envy this, because it accomplishes the message, or type of message, that I seek to deliver. I covet the genius in your mind. Always have. Part of why I loev you.

    Jesus. This is becoming ego-centric. What I want. What I need. No.

    You.

    Knowing you as I do, I see in this that I have missed some things in the past months of my hermitage. Strong things, and while I don't see this as autobiographical, I think certain aspect of your own pain and your own life bleed through quite clearly. You draw from the Source. Good girl.

    Stylistically, I think the middle of the write, where it seems to almost fall into direct flashback, while bracketing this between your beginning and ending, which both lie in roughly the same point in space-time, is a well-used device. It gives it the air of a story that is being directly recounted. Voice-over and such. In my mind, at least, which has become nearly half-useless in recent days. I also agree that the abbreviated terms are wrong, and should be removed. It is unneccesary, and it gives those lines a chat-room vibe that is counter to the rest of the poem's text. Yes, I would say lose those. Also, the arrow, for the same reasons.

    Aside from those things, I would say you've got a little hidden gem here. How is it that more people on this site do not realize how awesome your work is? You should be a bloody poster-child for this place, with the stark advancement in style and maturity your work has made. It was never bad. No, never that. But it has changed, and those changes have made it ever so much better. You should be proud of yourself, loev. You really should.

    A
    | Posted on 2004-11-27 00:00:00 | by KrimsonReaper | [ Reply to This ]
      damn, is this auto-biographical? it's really amazing, the way you use language really felt fresh and cool, the rhymes and wording..i was gonna say "urban" but that doesn't cover it and just makes me sound lame:D but i think it's really really good. a favorite.
    | Posted on 2004-11-26 00:00:00 | by joe quinn | [ Reply to This ]


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