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A Selfish Girl's Sorry

Author: Jan
ASL Info:    19/female/PA
Elite Ratio:    4 - 227 /251 /39
Words: 153
Class/Type: Poetry /Sorry
Total Views: 1268
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 873


Something I wrote about someone. Tell me what you think.

A Selfish Girl's Sorry

Through rainy days and cold black nights,
you don't know it but I cry for you.
I feel your pain because I'm the cause
of all the hurt that is your life.
You were the building block of this relationship
and I was the reason it crumbled apart.
You were the runner, winning the race,
I was the foot that tripped you from the side line.
You said you were the happiest man on Earth
and the only reason was because of me.
I was unhappy so you could be happy,
but I ended up looking like the
selfish one in the end.
My intentions seemed good at first
but I look back now and think
I only made things worse.
Trying to love you was the hardest thing
I ever had to do
and I'm sorry to say that I have failed you.

Submitted on 2004-11-14 12:35:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  oh emm gee jess... this one is sad... it is really really good! "i was unhappy so you could be happy" that is so freakishly true.. i understand completely what you mean... aka about the person who looks like a clown (he who must not be named)
| Posted on 2005-02-18 00:00:00 | by xheartxnirvanax | [ Reply to This ]
  wow, a very great poem. i can relate with how you are feeling here, i wrote a similar poem once... i really liked the lines:

"You were the runner, winning the race,
I was the foot that tripped you from the side line."

Just very is always good to hear poetry that is not just random thoughts and feelings (not that that is necessarily a bad thing). i can tell you put a lot of work into this piece, and it payed off. you have created a beautiful work of art. nice job! i love it!
| Posted on 2005-02-26 00:00:00 | by trmbngrl | [ Reply to This ]
  Your metaphors seemed a little obvious to me. Its a nice concept, but Mercy's right, it does need a little 'zest'. You're writing in free verse, which is fine with me, i love free verse, but it just seems like a piece of prose to me. The odd metaphor, it just doesn't seem veyr poetic to me. Don't get me wrong, you tell the story very well, go a little further with the emotive language though, make the reader really feel something for you and/or him. Make them have a real feeling after reading this poem. "buidling block...crumbled" good use of an extended metaphor, its just that building has nothing to do with this topic (i know you can link it with a metaphor, but thats not my point). It seems to me that you should be using a really emtive metaphor there, really think about your word choice, which you obviously have, just not in the right way. Maybe revise it?
| Posted on 2004-11-14 00:00:00 | by Fifi | [ Reply to This ]
  I got what you were trying to say. And I know it's sad to go through, but I think you need to broaden your vocabulary just a little. Not saying anything bad here, just the truth. Good poem though, I did like it. Wasn't trying to say that. I'll be reading more of your work.
| Posted on 2004-11-14 00:00:00 | by Holy Wood | [ Reply to This ]
  I totally agree with the content..been there. to be honest, I did not like your poem that much. i think u got the idea but u it is not brought foreward very effectively. try using more appropriate language. for example, "I feel your pain because I'm the cause
of all the hurt that is your life" sounds a bit akward and 'wordy'
| Posted on 2004-11-14 00:00:00 | by neonlights | [ Reply to This ]
  I really liked this one. The way you make the write the "attacker" instead of the victim was nicely done. The way you said how you made thigns worse trying to love him instead of doing so. Though your style seems to need a little... idk, zest or somethign, the idea is very well brought across.
| Posted on 2004-11-14 00:00:00 | by Mercy December | [ Reply to This ]
  I know exactly how you feel. . .I've been there and it's terribly hard. It's so confusing and you just don't know what to do and you don't want to hurt the person but you do anyway b/c not hurting them is killing you and then when it's over and they're hurt you feel so bad. This really captures the feeling. I love your metaphors. It paints perfect pictures. Thanks for sharing that. . .it is so true. . .
| Posted on 2004-11-14 00:00:00 | by Raineyes | [ Reply to This ]

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