Description: I don't think this is finished. It needs something more, but I can't quite pinpoint it. Any suggestions?
For Sale -------------------------------------------
Use me; I know that's what you're here for.
My feelings are whores for you to use so loosely.
Why stop there?
Rape me of all self-respect
Because you've crawled into this pit in my stomach
And left that beautiful, deadly mark.
But I'll never show it.
I'll pretend I still exist.
thanks for your comment...i'm here to repay the favor. i like this, but i think it could use a fw more drafts, or some editing. cutting down the size of the lines would help. also, you might want to elab on some points...like the "you've crawled into the pit of my stomach"...why? why in the stomach? what does it FEEL like? show me. show us.
oh my. lol, i was just thinking of me and frito...josh...and how we love to call each otehr whores and this is just so wow.
the irony keeps on coming. lol, but i loved the hard core images in this. it really emitted the whole "what am i, a plaything?" feeling thats been lingering whenever i'm near guys nowadays. (if i hear i want to see you in a bathing suit one more time, i'm going to decapitate someone) so yeah, this is really good. i also wish it were longer. you seemed to have the anger and sexual tension in there so well. maybe another line on feeling cheap or something (yet another inspiration by frito). yeah, it was a really good write and i'm going to make a certain someone read this to make him stop. ha ha, yeah, keep writing...i adored this piece ~!~luvs, pac
This is quote good, and i can relate. I don't think I'd end a line in a prepostion. Why not something like "Use me; I know that's why I'm here." I think it's finished, but I'm a minimalist, so I would.
i don't think there needs to be anymore. you've made your point quite clearly. you are allowing someone to strip you of all self-respect, to use you and abuse you; yet you act as if all is okay while really you are rotting inside. yes? no?
Very intense piece and not so hopeful but depressingly real. I just saw Korn on Friday night and Josh is right; that style yet very yours. I felt this poem was more for you that for input. Love, Peace, Joy!
i can realat to the using part i have alot of friends that use me, well i wouldent really call them friends :( if you could reply to this message it would be great i dont really understand the partabout the deadly mark ...i have a idea but im not sure :) wonderfull poem
Very interestin piece. First your title took me in as being different. I love titles:O) Anyway this piece is good, and your imagery was great even though you really didnt need that much. You got your point across clearly, and I especially liked your last line. Great write:O) --Kayla P.S. What part of MD are you from?
sounds much like a korn song, but i really did like where you were going... just need a little more kick to it to get it going. you started going so deep in the first 2 lines, but if you space the first sentence out, it may flow little better.. but keep it if its true to you.. you know? Dont get to caught up in venting , like the last line, because even though its hard to... thats such a common question, and tends to lose people. Try finding different ways of putting it, and what exactly were you getting at in the crawling into your stomache part? maybe that was the key to me not getting this poem fully, but i really wish it was longer! dont let this one get away, but dont let be ordinary either