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    dots Submission Name: hurt etched behind your eyesdots

    Author: WaxingPoetic
    ASL Info:    27 ~ Louisiana
    Elite Ratio:    4.45 - 493/563/100
    Words: 257
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1156
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1659

       Still on my quest to give yall something different to read.
    Are you liking my new style?
    It's still about hurting, but it's deeper, and doesn't rhyme. I'm kinda liking not rhyming. I don't feel like an accomplished writer after I'm done, but I feel like I've gotten more emotion across... so I guess it kinda equals out in the end. I dunno.
    Let me know what you're thinkin

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotshurt etched behind your eyesdots

    Your silent indifference to my unhappiness
    Causes meloncholy vapors to freeze
    On the tear tracks of my cheeks.
    The over-exposure to your bitterness
    is like the December wind, harsh;
    Whipping and chapping my delicate skin.
    These trying times bring me back
    to our first year together:
    Quietly spent in a warm embrace,
    Dancing by the fire,
    Or wrapped up in blankets, crocheted by our mothers.
    We had everything then:
    and the knowing love of each of us
    Reciprocated and personified in every word.
    You were so masculine in your beauty,
    Physical and mental,
    So strong and passionate.
    I always considered myself the weaker vessel,
    delicate, and afraid of being hurt by everyone but you.
    Who would have thought my fear would turn on me?
    It would leave me cold in winter
    And no longer shaded by your love in the intense heat of June.
    I saw you recently,
    Walking alone by the river.
    A quiet hurt etched behind your eyes,
    Your hollowness hitting me to my core.
    You didn't see me,
    But it took the will of my entire lifetime
    To not run to you,
    Put my blushing kisses on your eyelids,
    And offer back my love
    That you so quietly kept shut off in your
    Lockbox of emotions.
    It was then that I saw them:
    Your family...
    Your wife, a daughter, two sons.
    They all have your eyes,
    etched with hurt and pain and a quiet despair,
    That I now know has nothing to do with me.

    Submitted on 2004-11-14 14:49:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Actually, I like this better than anything else of yours I've read. Rhyme is too limiting, in my opinion. The end was really sad. I've been through that, but that's another story. I like "Causes meloncholy vapors to freeze/On the tear tracks of my cheeks" because it's somewhat surreal, but "tracks of my tears" sounds a little too Smokey Robinson and the Miracles.
    | Posted on 2004-11-15 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      i thought that it was good. very descriptive. it was very well scuplted and the emotion was very deep. the title was nice(sounded like something i would use as a title). the words that you used were well chosen and they painted a vivid picture. i liked how it kind of read like a story. it was good. i like your new style. you keep getting deeper and deeper. i really liked it. keep it up. you have a wonderful talent.
    | Posted on 2004-11-14 00:00:00 | by maquiladora | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. I love this poem so much. The title is amazing. I love how you sculpted a story in such few lines with more descriptives and feelings than full sentence. Great job. This part really made my heart drop "A quiet hurt etched behind your eyes,
    Your hollowness hitting me to my core.
    You didn't see me,
    But it took the will of my entire lifetime
    To not run to you,..." Excellent. I like this style a lot!
    | Posted on 2004-11-14 00:00:00 | by kissingadict | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh, this is really good. I really don't do narrative poems, but I've been trying to and this one really got to me for some reason. I know this new way of not rhyming was new to you, but you did an excellent job of it, and I think that rhyming in this piece may have taken away from some of the emotion, just like you said. There is a lot of depth to this, I mean, first you hear about how happy they were together, then you hear how lonely she feels, then eventually she sees him again and wants to rekindle things but then sees his family who seem to be going through their own struggles. And there's just so much layered pain in this that it's really easy to feel for any character involved. I really liked this part: "You didn't see me,
    But it took the will of my entire lifetime to not run to you,
    Put my blushing kisses on your eyelids,
    And offer back my love."
    I think it could be that I've actually felt that way about someone before, and it just got to me. I think the only thing I'd change is "your hollowness hitting me to my core" to cutting me to the core, I don't know why but that just sounds better to me. Either way though, this is an excellent piece just like much of your stuff. And I wanted to thank you for commenting on my "Alphabetical Love Story". So keep up the good work
    | Posted on 2004-12-05 00:00:00 | by srcastic1 | [ Reply to This ]

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