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Friendship's Grave


Author: selfbetrayal
ASL Info:    19/F/NA
Elite Ratio:    8 - 212 /76 /10
Words: 144
Class/Type: Lyrics /Being a Teen
Total Views: 1498
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1038



Description:


This is a poem written by my best mate - Liz Jefferson. It's based on a guy at school whom is giving us both trouble and won't leave us alone - it just sums up my feelings


Friendship's Grave



Our friendship's over now,
There's nothing left to say,
I'll stay for the burial,
But then I'm on my way

I’m me and you don’t like it,
I’m free, you’re locked up inside,
I’m leaving all of this behind me,
I’m saying, "This friendship has died."

You want to fight, want to brawl,
You want to stop me, hurt me,
Because I'm moving on,
And I’m happy, flirty!!!

I’m me and you don’t like it,
I’m free, you’re locked up inside,
I’m leaving all of this behind me,
I’m saying, "This friendship has died."

My prison’s disappeared
My chains have gone,
And my new motto starts now,
I’m looking out for Number 1!

I’m me and you don’t like it,
I’m free, you’re locked up inside,
I’m leaving all of this behind me,
I’m saying, "This friendship has died."




Submitted on 2004-03-15 05:48:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  This is well written once again I have found another favorite for the list.



Sage
| Posted on 2007-01-24 00:00:00 | by sageeriol | [ Reply to This ]
  -Our friendship's over now,
There's nothing left to say,
I'll stay for the burial,
But then I'm on my way-

Absolutely clever. I agree with the change to 'this friendship's died', just to keep the flow going. In this next verse:

-You want to fight, want to brawl,
You want to stop me, hurt me,
Because I'm moving on,
And I’m happy, flirty!!!

This last line stops the flow and brings your reader to an abrupt halt. It couldn't have been placed in any other write this way and escaped my criticism, but I find it brilliant to stop the flow with the exact opposite emotion you should be feeling in this situation. It makes us take a second look, look for a rhythm, not find it, and realize it is no longer about rhythm, but more about putting our feet in the author's shoes. Well done. As far as lyrics go, I think they deserve a whole different set of guidelines than are used to criticize or comment on poetry. In lyrics, you are going to find repitition, as well as more than enough cliché. I voed to never use the word cliché in a comment again, and I haven't. Well I did, but not as a criticism. 90% of what I write are lyrics, and I try not to repeat words within a verse, or say the same things that have been said a million times before but it happens regardless. It is rather hard to comment on structure of lyrics that normally make more sense, given a melody and a beat. I usually get more comments on what my lyrics are about, rather than the usual poetry criticism. Good write.


| Posted on 2007-01-18 00:00:00 | by Crash | [ Reply to This ]
  Brilliant. My knowledge in Lyrics is fairly limited (I prefer music with no lyrics) in my humble opinion, I think perhaps the Chorus is overused, perhaps more lyrics, such as two paragraphs, before introducing the Chorus once more.
Peace Out...
| Posted on 2004-06-07 00:00:00 | by runedot | [ Reply to This ]
  Good write. It coult tell the story though. Justify. The more you can connect with the reader the closer the reader will hold the piece. This friendship has died leaves all to the imagination. If it's trying to accomplish a proverb effect it could use it's a very common theme. I'm sure everyone can relate to these lyrics. They would be much more powerful if it had stronger detail rather than just repeating the same thematic concept.
| Posted on 2004-03-31 00:00:00 | by Webmaster | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this is very well written. I would shorten "This friendship has died" to This friendship's died" for more effective rhythm but otherwise the repetition and the wording sound fine to me. I think you've done a great job and it's an interesting metaphor, "stay for the burial, but then I'm on my way". I like that line. Keep up the good work.
| Posted on 2004-03-15 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]


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