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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Losing Touchdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Spartan
    ASL Info:    16-Some where
    Elite Ratio:    5.74 - 36/26/7
    Words: 147
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 886
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 778



    Description:
       This is a last ditch effort on my realtionship with my long time girlfriend. This will be sent to her as soon as i get a few comments back, but this was writen, just now, to hopefully save us.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLosing Touchdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Today I am losing you
    I canít comprehend why
    Today I am losing you
    I fear I will have to say good bye
    I try to call you, ask you whatís wrong
    But when I call you, you never answer
    It is as if you are already gone
    I donít want to lose you
    I donít know what Iíd do
    I donít want to lose you
    Please tell me what to do
    Ever sense that day
    Way back in third grade
    I knew I loved you
    It had to be that way
    Today I am losing you
    But it mustnít be this way
    For I say I am losing you
    You are not yet lost
    I hope and pray that this day
    I can find you before it is too late
    For today I am losing
    But tomorrow comes this way




    Submitted on 2004-11-15 20:54:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is pretty simple and good. Losing someone is such a disaster and yet everything is mortal.
    I don't like repitions in poems but I think you have done a fair job with this one. Although there is redundancy of some degree but I still like the poem as it is.
    | Posted on 2004-11-20 00:00:00 | by moaxcym | [ Reply to This ]
      There are a few surface errors that stop my eyes and make the flow a little problematic. (but seriously, i am not one to talk at all! My writings are horrible like that.) Just things like goodbye being two words, musn't being mustn't (i think, it might be right, it could be that it just looks wrong) and ever sence should be ever since. This, of course, is assuming that you are not being all poetic and purposely messing up the words to make it appear as if love had made you all goofy or something, but since you have known this person since what, third grade? I doubt you would still be nervous and giggily around them... Although it would be really cute and sweet if you were! lol..
    Many poems sound restricted when they rhyme... as if the author would become this cheesy nursery rhyme mother goose with a lack of vocabulary or something but you seem to have kept the rythm through it AND used a colorful array of words. go you!
    I enjoyed the end where you left the reader hopeful instead of feeling sorry for you. It would have been a totally different spin on life, and it shows that you are a very optimistic person in how you think and look at things. Not only are you a glass is half full type person, but it is completely empty... HEY! LOOK, I HAVE A GLASS! WOOT! hahaha.... okay maybe not THAT optimistic but hey, it shows something about you none the less.. Keep it real ;-) and have fun writing! -Hillarie
    | Posted on 2004-11-17 00:00:00 | by falloutgirl | [ Reply to This ]
      One of the scariest things on eaarth to me is the realization that the one you love is slipping right through your fingers, and there's little you can do about it. This poem was witten is a sort of rambling, yet very organized flow. Stream of consciousness, so you can really feel the almost panic that they are going through. The racing heart, fighting back tears, slap in the face realization that perhaps it really is over...although you still love them...and you just know that you're supposed to love that person forever. I like this poem a lot...it's very real.
    | Posted on 2004-11-15 00:00:00 | by Scribbles1338 | [ Reply to This ]
      i didn't enjoy this poem as a whole. there's something really off, and it's hard to keep the flow when reading it. however, the lines:
    "Ever sense that day
    Way back in third grade
    I knew I loved you
    It had to be that way",
    are written very pure and innocently. it's very sweet, and i liked the way you worded what you wanted to say there. unfortunantly, that's about all that i liked. keep writing, and i'm sure (not that i'm one to talk...) you'll improve with time. :)
    | Posted on 2004-11-15 00:00:00 | by cre_dia | [ Reply to This ]
      As a female, I'll let you in on a little secret: We don't like to be asked "What's wrong". That doesn't help at all! We just like to be upset for a while and then we'll talk about it with our friends and then we'll usually be ok. See, guys just like problems to be fixed, do whatever needs to be done to fix it. But girls, we talk about it and get down to the heart of the matter. So personally, I don't think you should give your girl this specific poem. Just write her something that says how much she means to you; you don't need to say how much you don't want to lose her cuz she will know that by what you say. If you know your girl like you should, you'll know exactly what to say and then you can move on and see what happens. I didn't read the other comments, so hopefully this isn't just a conglomerated repeat.
    Hope it works our for you
    | Posted on 2004-12-02 00:00:00 | by WaxingPoetic | [ Reply to This ]


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