Description: ummm i guess old feelings never truely go away. ENJOY!
A Shot In The Dark -------------------------------------------
Here it goes
Another shot in the dark
I hope hit an artery
Or put a hole through the chest
It was all an illusion
And the plot was never real
Put up a fight
You know you want to
I will empty this clip
And pray to find
A shredded body
don’t throw your tears at me
Nor grab at my clothes
You wanted this
You needed this
So just take this away
A dark room
A single padded wall
And a pile of torn papers
Left in the middle of nowhere
So turn your glare
Toward the sky
If you would dare
To die
But you never had the courage
You fought for so long
There was no heart
I could feel the pain for miles
So let me empty this in your chest
And maybe you could
Just respect that this is what you get
Smiles never got you anywhere
The calls drew out so long
It was a costume
A fake connection
It was never really there
don’t try to pull that trigger
Cause you already left me for dead
well...a lot of hate i detected...didnt see in the begining what it had to do with love all that much, but it was all made clear at the end...left you for dead...how tragic...
you and i definately listen to the same music. we may even think the same. we have that "you left me so die" attitude. just like this poem. i think i understand it a lot better than most people. nice job dude. i'll check some more of your stuff out.
I can feel a lot of emotion and anger through this. I just would like to know where it is coming from. You paint an awesome picture of anger. But, who knows I'm probably reading it all wrong. You know stupid ol' me.
Don't take this the wrong way, but what are you talking about here?
I don't really feel a story coming from this. I see words on my screen with no thought behind them what so ever.
It's like you wanted to write something that sounded good and threw out every cliché you could think of. There wasn't a great metaphor or any related simile's to tie anything together.
Don't get frustrated. Just work on it. I've read a ton of stuff here and I comment on a lot of people's work. Some I like; some I don't.
Just take it as constructive criticism. I've written horrible stuff; everyone has.
I would throw in some punctuation and kind've corrolate this into a story rather than a giant stanza. Just my two cents.
An overall ok job. It was a fair poem. I felt no passion, no driving force or flow. For a subject such as this I felt no anger behind it. It feels a little forced. Some Wordings were a little weird. Look at the 3rd line again. Keep writing. Maybe put in a little passion next time. Maybe you could play off a certain rythm. Including stanzas would be smart. Although you don't need to. Keep it up. ~Monty
Submission Name: A Shot In The Dark
