It's heartbreaking when they never notice you are always there for them... This was just so wonderful. Okay so I have fallen in love with your writing. "Watching and waiting Anticipating every move And no matter how far you are I would always sit next to you" You have such beautiful endings...
i wish someone had been holding my hand ,when i went through this instead of being miles away saying i told you so and you should have picked me. what people don't understand is we go with our heart and most of the time it's real love for one and a game to the other person.then the one in love doesnt understand why they get hurt and they think maybe someday they'll be loved in return ,just like they love the person who is hurting them and walking away. It would be nice if love wasnt so blind .Sometimes we do wake up and walk away after we realize abuse neglect and lies arent love. i have plenty to say but will leave it alone .I now see nothing wrong with loving the one who is there and holds your hand because thats what real love is about. i do like this poem or song which ever it may be.
Well, this is the first of your works that I've read, and I have to say that it's really quite good. The lyrics read like a good novel, in that once I started reading it, I couldn't stop – it kept me going from line to line, verse through chorus and back through verse.
The only criticism that I have ihappens to be in agreeement with blue orchid on the following lines:
You say you’d kill for him but I’d die for you And if I ever said I’d never I lied to you
The last line above threw me off a bit, until I reread it. I think you do need to have "I'd never." in quotes to make it clear t the reader. It would also be correct punctuation anyways.
Abuse isn't pretty, and I've seen situations where girls that were physically and/or verbally abused keep going back for more, despite all the kindness and love that they were shown by another. Hate to say/think it's the old "bad boy winning over nice guy" cliché. T'ain't right nor fair, but then life very rarely is, but no one ever fully understands that.
i've missed reading your lyrics. you have a way of describing loneliness or unrequited love.. it's almost like you're able to put a picture frame around it and make it look beautiful.
amazing write. impossible amounts of passion pour from the veins of this. i love the imagery caged by the lines: Tomorrow when you choke back The taste of blood and broken glass Remember I was there last night
high quality stuff. i lost the rhythm in parts but was able to get it back after a few words. great job.
Man this is an outstanding piece. You dont seem to post all that often but when you do...wow. There is so much passion in this piece. I see you labeled it as lyrics, it makes me want to hear the music that would accompany this piece. I can offer no critiques, it is one of my favorites! Keep it up(sorry for sounding like such an @ss kisser)-John
Man, I couldn't even stand to read the other comments for fear that they would have something negative to say about this... This is so f*cking BEAUTIFUL. I, myself am in love (not like you care) and she doesn't notice me... I have always been there for her... you expressed this emotion so f*cking flawlessly. So is this a song then? If so, what genre would it fit into (just wondering...) I hope to read much more of your work...
Your work simply blows my mind. You seem to reach so deep into your soul that you get lost. I often find myself doing the same. I am new to this site and I have yet to read anything as powerful and as well versed as your writings. When I read:
"You say you'd kill for him but I'd die for you"
I suddenly became breathless. No one's writings have ever touched me like that. It was therapuetic reading. Excellent!
"You say you’d kill for him but I’d die for you And if I ever said I’d never I lied to you"
That is the best statements/stanzas/verses/lines/whatever you call it, just like Me Rambling said. This hit me hard in the heart and I only wish I could hear you sing it. I bet it is amazing. You express your views well using simple words and that makes it. Great job. -blt
I was not the 1st to read it. But that doesnt matter. I am absolutly esctatic (sp?) haha. Welll. This song. I can relate to. I feel like Im the girl in this song. Talking about wanting to be with someone I cant have, and then having this boy who wants me SO bad. I know he would do ANYTHING in the world for me. But I just cant be with him. It is so hard. Loves a [censored] eh? This was a lovely song. I cant wait to hear it sung one day. Do you sing? Anyways. Phenomenal. Looking forward to more of your work. -Andrya xoxox
- this line is a bit confusing so as a suggestion i'd put quotations around "I'd never" for clarity purposes. the original title while interesting doesn't do as much for the piece as the existing title. having tasted broken glass in my own mouth once i can tell you there's nothing like it in the world.
i wish this was a song i could dance to because there's nothing more sorrowful/beautiful than unrequited love. it sucks ass to be in that situation but i don't think people ever love as deeply as when one has to love enough for two. a 5 if i ever saw one.
Hey there. I think your original title is very typical you, and so this seems a little more to the point, not that you're other titles are bad, it's just that change is nice.
With regards to the write, I can say I was hooked from the very first line, some great lyricism already, and I'd only been on the page a few seconds! The second line, I thought was typical of you as well, but none the less sincere, so that rocked me on chair as well!
*This isn't looking good at this rate by brain would probably explode from an overdose of liking for this write*
If was to do that for the rest of the write, I would probably wear away my fingers typing. You know what, I don't know how you do it! Your writes are so simple to read but it just seems like there is so much behind them. I think the theme you chose was very good, and the line: 'The taste of blood and broken glass' just blew me away. The broken glass struck me as the shattered feelings that are still inside this person, and the taste of blood, well, that's up to anyone's imagination.
Sorry to have gone on for so long, but there seemed to be (and there still is) so much to say about this. This is, without doubt, the best piece I have read from and it's definately going in my favourites. If I could describe the quality of this in a comprehendable word, then I would, but I can't! My final thought!
Hey, this is an incredible piece of writing. I know you've got it listed as lyrics, but without music i usually just read lyrics as poetry anyway. But either way, i love this. Very, very powerful imagery and a perefct flow. I particularly appreciated what i imagine is the chorus:
'Tomorrow when you choke back The taste of blood and broken glass Remember I was there last night
I was there every time He left you behind I was there right by your side'
Just brilliant. If you have written this from personal experience, i firstly empathise with you and respect you for writing it, and secondly congratulate you for capturing and communicating it so well.
“When you choke back/ The taste of blood and broken glass” Your lyrics are overall powerful…yet this sole line, encapsulates GREAT capacity! It is almost disturbing, to the point in which I have sympathy pain… I can taste the blood as I read, word for word… and the shards of glass I can feel, as your lyrics unravel. This within itself, is a unique talent –and you have utilised it effectively! I felt that this piece was a little “emo” yet I will have to say that you pulled it off well, and that you seem/are sincere in what you express as feelings, throughout this piece! Well done, lad! ~Snow White~
butterfly bullets boy this is so heartbreaking... girls are so stupid sometimes... they really are... they never know a good thing when they see it... the take the good boys for granted coz i guess they know they'll always be there... it shouldnt be the way it goes... it just shouldnt be...
You say you’d kill for him but I’d die for you And if I ever said I’d never I lied to you
these lines were so gorgeous... ive not read anything this sadly beautiful for the longest time... im sorry she never notices... shes such the fool... i hope your doing ok and not as sad as this song makes you sound... take care of your butterfly bullets boy... good to see you round again! byes for now
Cool lyrics man. I really like the title, how it fits in with the chorus. Sounds like this one came from a pretty bad loss. Some of the best songs are written out of tragedy. I wrote my best song when a friend committed suicide.
I truly can't give you any advice except for keep doing what you obviously do best. these are great lyrics and I am sure that i have probably written that to you before since I remember that user name of yours... my sister loves butterflies so your name is sticks in my head... but i also recognize your great writing.. like the last commenter i would have to agree that i realize that we should be giving constructive criticism but i simply cant.. ok ive rambled enough.. bye for now ~*~amber~*~
I love your work so much and I've been able to relate to quite a few of your pieces. I don't know what else to say to this. This site always wants constructive criticism, but I have none to give you.
Here:
You say you’d kill for him but I’d die for you And if I ever said I’d never I lied to you
That's one of the best statements/stanzas/verses/lines/whatever you want to call it I've read on this site. Bravo, nice piece, good write and another for my favorites.
Um, I will get the bad part over with first before I start telling you what I really, really do like. . . um, this line.
And if I ever said I’d never I lied to you
It's just sorta hanging there with no real conclusion. What are you saying about the fact that "if you ever said I'd never I lied to you"? I mean that line really doesn't make sense. If it does to you, maybe try to make it a bit clearer. . . for the reader.
But I loved this poem. This is one of the worst feelings in the world. Thankfully it's been a while since anything of this nature has happened to me (knock on wood) but it's terrible. I especially loved this line.
You say you’d kill for him but I’d die for you
I don't know why it struck me so but it was pretty awesome.
wow i love this so much, along with alot of your other work. it has so much feeling in it and there's so much behind this that everyone doesnt realize the depth and meaning of your words. or maybe you just spilled this out of your imagination, either way its goin in my favs. great job again -steph
Submission Name: Blood and Broken Glass
