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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Puddlesuckersdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: elephantasia
    ASL Info:    37/F/UK
    Elite Ratio:    3.54 - 398/490/159
    Words: 177
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1059
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1343



    Description:
       For John, whose crazy musings inspired this poem - Please give me feedback on improvement, style etc


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPuddlesuckersdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Last night it rained, and that I know!
    For a storm of Riverdancers drove
    A rhythmic beating through my brain
    Tappet-y tapping, on the window pane!

    I'm so drained and tired of yawning.
    Lying here this early morning
    The sarcastic sun is beaming bright.
    Humph! Not a piddled puddle in sight!

    Still.

    'Tis Tuesday. My muse day.
    A thought brews.

    From my reluctant consciousness, creation is born:
    The myth of the Puddlesucker spawns!

    Wombling, waterworn, wallydraigle* scouts,
    That shuffle around snuffling, with straw-like snouts.
    Tongues hanging out: Thirst cursed. Parasites.
    That constant tapping tempts their appetites!

    Cocktail-craving connoisseurs; imbibing to sustain;
    Sucking their fill of slick, acid rain.
    Until; a frantic flight of fancy wings
    Before that dreaded blackbird sings!

    Merely mutated worms gone crazy.....
    More to explore, but my mind grows lazy.

    Hence, with the Puddlesuckers quiet and quenched,
    I'm lying, softly awake, in my sun-drenched
    Room, when, on my window
    Pappy raps; tappet-y tap!

    What a pain!

    * short and squatt




    Submitted on 2004-11-16 06:02:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      you show great style in this! the mood is set so perfectly, i feel engrossed in your story and wanted to know more! your work in this poem obviously shows that you have the capacity for grander works, such as novels. extremely original. i'll be keeping an eye out for you and barnes & noble!
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by soadman | [ Reply to This ]
      This is so original that it deserves an ovation just for that. I reckon it can be classified as poetry for children, but it has enough substance in the reading to satisfy older children too. I'd like to see more of your work and see how this hangs with the rest of what you do..e. is this your regular style and/or does the rest bear a stamp of a-grade quality.
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by Lelik | [ Reply to This ]
      Very interesting. I really liked it. Especialy how you make a childrens tale of the puddle suckers into a nice little poem
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by Marbles | [ Reply to This ]
      Cocktail-craving connoisseurs; imbibing to sustain;
    Sucking their fill of slick, acid rain.
    Until; a frantic flight of fancy wings
    Before that dreaded blackbird sings!

    Yea i'm sort've lost as well but that stanza right there kicked some butt.

    The flow was awesome but kinda read like a child's nursery rhyme.
    In fact, that's what it reminded me of the whole time: an adult's nursery rhyme.

    But hey, what's different isn't always bad and what's bad isn't always different.

    So, I enjoyed, and I'm sure others will too. I'll be sure to be sober and well rested the next time I decide to read what of your pieces, though.

    Night night,
    Rob
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by Me Rambling | [ Reply to This ]
      LOL this was bloody weird. What in the name of all things poetry is a wallydraigle?! Tell me, I'm intrigued!

    In flow, it flowed well for me :) I enjoyed this, but didn't understand HALF of what you were going on about, but really don't care. Normally I'm all "this doesn't make sense, or that, or that *makes a list*, but I dunno, sometimes it's good to find something that just sounds nice and goes well and just leaves me a bit happier for having read it. Spose that's why I like Spike Milligan!

    An odd read, but interesting enough. I think you should remove the title from the poem's box, and place the dedication in the description as it's distracting there. But otherwise... interesting, LOL!
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]


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