Once a Virgin, Once, a Mum by elephantasia

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Once a Virgin, Once, a Mum dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	elephantasia
ASL Info:	37/F/UK
Elite Ratio:	3.54 - 398/490/159
Words:	97

Class/Type:	Misc/Longing
Total Views:	870
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	889

Description:
This is my first attempt at seduction. Any advice, help or any other construction views highly appreciated

Once a Virgin, Once, a Mum dots

-------------------------------------------

Windkissed apples,
Delicious; reddened lips
swell him.
Blooming, a braided maid
brims and springs bare;
Silky soft,
milky white blossoms,
rarely beheld before,
tumble; he grasps;
The sweet taste bursts;
waters his mouth.
The wind maiden moans.
Softly, suppled limbs, limber
unearthing a core.
His fingers linger
"more" urged,
urgence thrust upon him.
His tongue trails
flicks, licks,
explores; her petals
pink, flowered
"more..." she breezes.
Lips drip sweet nothings
Bow bends;
billows and blows.
Fruit falls
shuddering.
Fully plucked,
consumed.
Time slips
and winks.
Seedlings embedded
for an autumn harvest.

Revised 2

Submitted on 2004-11-16 10:23:44 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Oh hey look - this got alot of commentary. I don't know if this could quite be characterized as seduction perse; more like description of a sexual experience in a poetic cast. This is great on its own merits, but to be seduction one side is gonna need to 'seduce' (lit. lead). I think more accurately this would have to be called 'erotica' or something. I dunno, still an enjoyable read.
shard
| Posted on 2004-11-21 00:00:00 | by particularshard | [ Reply to This ]
  I think you've done a great job of writing something bordering on porn in a way that is both beautiful and innocent. I don't have a "cliché issue" with this one because you balance it so well. I'll keep reading you...
| Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
  This is really pretty. You need to make the ellipsis a 3-dot one because there are only 3-dot (used for a brief omission or a trailing away) and 4-dot ellipses (only used for an omission of more than a sentence). I think your symbolism is too traditional. Flowers and fruit are overused as symbols of female sex organs and feritility. Try to find something else.
| Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
  Lust/ seduction, tomato, tomatoes.Yes there is a level of lust but its more seductive as a whole.
Leaving the mind to ponder "Windkissed apples,
Delicious", and "Bow bends;billows and blows.Fruit falls shuddering.".
Lets just face it, its a good poem. Very deep and intamate with out having to be to overly descriptive. What Mr. Shilton posted is far to accurate. Keep lovin the pen and watch the paper luv you back, as long as you keep what you write true to life.

one...
| Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by elohimswork | [ Reply to This ]
  i definately enjoyed this. but it was definately better on the second read though for me. there were so many metephors i felt a little distracted. but it was very sensual in an intellectual kind of way, not a very passionate way. still nice though. once i read through it again with the image in my mind i enjoyed it a lot more. look forward to your future work.
| Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by soadman | [ Reply to This ]
  Looks as if you revised the word lust to seduction, but erotica or romanticism may even be applicable. One word I felt might have been mis-used was beholden. Rather than speaking of being held, it usually means indebted to, as in the peasant was beholden to his lord.
That's a small, easily edited thing. I liked the mood you spun here, nice diction,
welcome to Elite
Dave
| Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
  First off, welcome to elite. This seemed more of a story of what happened than lust to me. The passion and fire that lust requires seem to be missing, but all in all, a good first attempt.
| Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by MidnghtScorpion | [ Reply to This ]
  Uh...
I'm not real sure here. To me this doesn't really feel like a poem about lust...
nice try though!

*Welcome to EliteSkills!
| Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by psycho_1 | [ Reply to This ]
  yeah...wasnt lust...try adding a bit more sexual content for that...try reading my poems, Sweet Corruption pt 1 and 2...maybe it will give you an idea or 2...

->Dark
| Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by drk_angl_17 | [ Reply to This ]
  As far as lust would go that wasn't it. Lust is very hot, passionate, detailed. Add some more to it. Get "dirty' if you will. That's just my opinion though.
| Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by ashlee_jane2003 | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece? 7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

32839

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.
Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
What happens written by Wolfwatching
102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
Linger written by saartha
To written by SavedDragon
This written by Chelebel
In My Head written by faideddarkness
Bond written by saartha
Wavelength written by saartha
I will call out your name written by RisingSon
It's Night Now written by RisingSon
The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
Whiteout written by layDsayD
Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
Summer written by layDsayD
In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
Wasps written by Wolfwatching
Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
Wish written by Daniel Barlow
One Thing written by Wolfwatching

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.