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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Once a Virgin, Once, a Mumdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: elephantasia
    ASL Info:    37/F/UK
    Elite Ratio:    3.54 - 398/490/159
    Words: 97
    Class/Type: Misc/Longing
    Total Views: 832
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 889



    Description:
       This is my first attempt at seduction. Any advice, help or any other construction views highly appreciated


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOnce a Virgin, Once, a Mumdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Windkissed apples,
    Delicious; reddened lips
    swell him.
    Blooming, a braided maid
    brims and springs bare;
    Silky soft,
    milky white blossoms,
    rarely beheld before,
    tumble; he grasps;
    The sweet taste bursts;
    waters his mouth.
    The wind maiden moans.
    Softly, suppled limbs, limber
    unearthing a core.
    His fingers linger
    "more" urged,
    urgence thrust upon him.
    His tongue trails
    flicks, licks,
    explores; her petals
    pink, flowered
    "more..." she breezes.
    Lips drip sweet nothings
    Bow bends;
    billows and blows.
    Fruit falls
    shuddering.
    Fully plucked,
    consumed.
    Time slips
    and winks.
    Seedlings embedded
    for an autumn harvest.

    Revised 2




    Submitted on 2004-11-16 10:23:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Oh hey look - this got alot of commentary. I don't know if this could quite be characterized as seduction perse; more like description of a sexual experience in a poetic cast. This is great on its own merits, but to be seduction one side is gonna need to 'seduce' (lit. lead). I think more accurately this would have to be called 'erotica' or something. I dunno, still an enjoyable read.
    shard
    | Posted on 2004-11-21 00:00:00 | by particularshard | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you've done a great job of writing something bordering on porn in a way that is both beautiful and innocent. I don't have a "cliché issue" with this one because you balance it so well. I'll keep reading you...
    | Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really pretty. You need to make the ellipsis a 3-dot one because there are only 3-dot (used for a brief omission or a trailing away) and 4-dot ellipses (only used for an omission of more than a sentence). I think your symbolism is too traditional. Flowers and fruit are overused as symbols of female sex organs and feritility. Try to find something else.
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      Lust/ seduction, tomato, tomatoes.Yes there is a level of lust but its more seductive as a whole.
    Leaving the mind to ponder "Windkissed apples,
    Delicious", and "Bow bends;billows and blows.Fruit falls shuddering.".
    Lets just face it, its a good poem. Very deep and intamate with out having to be to overly descriptive. What Mr. Shilton posted is far to accurate. Keep lovin the pen and watch the paper luv you back, as long as you keep what you write true to life.

    one...
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by elohimswork | [ Reply to This ]
      i definately enjoyed this. but it was definately better on the second read though for me. there were so many metephors i felt a little distracted. but it was very sensual in an intellectual kind of way, not a very passionate way. still nice though. once i read through it again with the image in my mind i enjoyed it a lot more. look forward to your future work.
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by soadman | [ Reply to This ]
      Looks as if you revised the word lust to seduction, but erotica or romanticism may even be applicable. One word I felt might have been mis-used was beholden. Rather than speaking of being held, it usually means indebted to, as in the peasant was beholden to his lord.
    That's a small, easily edited thing. I liked the mood you spun here, nice diction,
    welcome to Elite
    Dave
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      First off, welcome to elite. This seemed more of a story of what happened than lust to me. The passion and fire that lust requires seem to be missing, but all in all, a good first attempt.
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by MidnghtScorpion | [ Reply to This ]
      Uh...
    I'm not real sure here. To me this doesn't really feel like a poem about lust...
    nice try though!

    *Welcome to EliteSkills!
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by psycho_1 | [ Reply to This ]
      yeah...wasnt lust...try adding a bit more sexual content for that...try reading my poems, Sweet Corruption pt 1 and 2...maybe it will give you an idea or 2...

    ->Dark
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by drk_angl_17 | [ Reply to This ]
      As far as lust would go that wasn't it. Lust is very hot, passionate, detailed. Add some more to it. Get "dirty' if you will. That's just my opinion though.
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by ashlee_jane2003 | [ Reply to This ]


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