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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: SomeWhere in the Onyx Sundots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Dark_Dancer
    ASL Info:    18/F/Washington
    Elite Ratio:    3.44 - 174/164/96
    Words: 233
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 865
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1443



    Description:
       A reflection on my life. Any kind of comment will do.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSomeWhere in the Onyx Sundots
    -------------------------------------------


    Hold her back from the ledge.
    She yearns for the day she will be free and thinks that this is the way.
    She fights against us all-
    She doesn't really want to be saved.
    But we must help her.
    How would we look if she left and we had done nothing to stop her.
    One man began her pain
    And then ten or eleven more joined in to torture her.
    How could we have been so blind?
    It is our fault that she is thus.

    Hold her back from the ledge.
    That savage silver beast she calls friend is beckoning her.
    Damn the little imp!
    It lures her with false safety and diluted security and she falls for its ruse.

    Hold her back from the ledge.
    Her gray and soulless eyes see only that escape.
    The demons of her mind, the eleven or twelve that robbed her of her child,
    Still torture her-
    Persistant shadows that sadly sigh about the shredded remains of her dignity and innocence while cackling gleefully.

    Silence descends on those standing.
    The little girl has fallen.
    The spectators weep bitterly.
    They failed themselves by failing her.
    Selfish motives that cost the life of a pure soul tainted by hell.
    Somewhere in the onyx sun a face stares down,
    Stern, cold, and unforgiving.
    God turns away from them all and they are left to wander aimlessly forever.




    Submitted on 2004-11-16 11:06:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      A very interesting write.I really like your title; it catches the eye.Your poem is excellent and true to point.Sometimes as humans we become so selfish and self serving that we forget to care about those around us, and sometimes show fake affections just for appearances.It shouldn't be that way but humanity continues to loose itself further and further into twisted depravity.No wonder I see no hope for our future.Anyway; enough ranting.Excellent write.
    | Posted on 2004-11-24 00:00:00 | by DarkenedSoul | [ Reply to This ]
      to me, this is about appearances more than an actual want and desire to help, which makes the world and the ledge of this girl all the more cold. how would it look ... it's sad for me to hear someone say that about a serious and desperate situation because their focus is on what other's think. sometimes life can't be about what others think, it has to be about what's right. i don't think i cared for the writing style - it was narrative but it didn't feel like your average third person, objective POV, but that's just me so don't take that to heart.

    one thing i will mention is the part that demons and darkness plays in the piece. sometimes you can draw darkness without ever saying "doom", you know? this piece could be more haunting if you focused more on the evils and depravities of humans rather than looking to hell-spawned creatures to do it for you. just a thought.

    thanks for sharing. =]
    ~Blue
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]
      I think that th epoem is beutifully written, and presenta many allsusion for the reader to interpret in various ways as suicide or molestation and the failure of society to help people. I agree that some of the lines could be broken on to two, but overall it is one of the best poems I've read.
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by firebanshee | [ Reply to This ]
      Is this a suicide poem?

    This poem seems full of sadness, angst, and pain... it was very well written but leaves the reader, at least me, wondering why there's so much sadness.

    -P1
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by psycho_1 | [ Reply to This ]
      The emotion behind this is brilliant and I really like the way it is pieced together like so. A very nice piece, though the one thing that really bothers me is the lines that a so long. They could use being seperated into two lines. The rhyme scheme also is just not there to me...no offense though; it still sounds great.
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by Crimsonpathways | [ Reply to This ]


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