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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Rapturedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rounin
    ASL Info:    17/f/USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.38 - 122/113/21
    Words: 48
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 844
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 372



    Description:
       I hope this does justice to the subject...
    After much deliberation I decided to omit the last line. I was afraid that the new last line would be too anticlimactic, but I came to see it differently, and I couldn't think of anything better to add to the end. Hope it's still ok, and that there is room to get more out of it.
    >After much more deliberation, I've added a new last line. I think I like it better this way.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRapturedots
    -------------------------------------------


    A pale efflorescence

    a breathless touch,
    light as air

    Blushing warmth
    and unshadowed bliss

    Trembling eagerness

    A soft breath;
    the deluge of a soul

    Crystal silence,
    delicate stillness

    A euphoric glow

    holds the luster of one kiss.




    Submitted on 2004-11-16 11:07:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I know I'm speaking from a biased position, but I think this work is not complete without the last line. But on the other hand it does give too much away and not leaving much for the imagination can tend to get boring. So either way I think your set with this one.
    | Posted on 2005-02-14 00:00:00 | by majinkenshinamv | [ Reply to This ]
      This is gorgeous, it is simple and sensual and captures the moment of bliss and rapture very succinctly. There is no need for the last line, it brings something personal into the piece, that basically, isn't necessary - nothing else uses references to individual beings at all... and it ruins the subtle elegance of that particular technique to suddenly interject it at the end. That is the only comment i would make, but this is again, a lovely piece to read. Well done.
    | Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by Transcendancing | [ Reply to This ]
      This is sweet, and the language is gorgeous. I like the innocence in this too. Why is this in miscellaneous? I'd say it's a nice poem.
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      I disagree with those who say the last line is wrong, weak or anticlimactic. With one little change, I think it would be perfect. I'd suggest chaning "leave" to "left", so that you're describing the kiss that your lover left on your lips.

    Other than that, I simply loved this. I will make this a favorite. mae
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      What is "efflorescence"???

    I like this poem, it feels like it was written about love - and love is a good thing to have and to write about.

    -P1
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by psycho_1 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very delicate piece. To me, it's more anticipating the kiss than it is feeling it. Perhaps you could say I await my lovers kiss...or I am ready for your kiss...or something to that effect. Even as is, although there is something anticlimatic about the ending, it is a truly beautifully descriptive write. How can one recapture innocence? You can't, but this helps one remember when...
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]


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