Description: I hope this does justice to the subject...
After much deliberation I decided to omit the last line. I was afraid that the new last line would be too anticlimactic, but I came to see it differently, and I couldn't think of anything better to add to the end. Hope it's still ok, and that there is room to get more out of it.
>After much more deliberation, I've added a new last line. I think I like it better this way.
I know I'm speaking from a biased position, but I think this work is not complete without the last line. But on the other hand it does give too much away and not leaving much for the imagination can tend to get boring. So either way I think your set with this one.
This is gorgeous, it is simple and sensual and captures the moment of bliss and rapture very succinctly. There is no need for the last line, it brings something personal into the piece, that basically, isn't necessary - nothing else uses references to individual beings at all... and it ruins the subtle elegance of that particular technique to suddenly interject it at the end. That is the only comment i would make, but this is again, a lovely piece to read. Well done.
I disagree with those who say the last line is wrong, weak or anticlimactic. With one little change, I think it would be perfect. I'd suggest chaning "leave" to "left", so that you're describing the kiss that your lover left on your lips.
Other than that, I simply loved this. I will make this a favorite. mae
This is a very delicate piece. To me, it's more anticipating the kiss than it is feeling it. Perhaps you could say I await my lovers kiss...or I am ready for your kiss...or something to that effect. Even as is, although there is something anticlimatic about the ending, it is a truly beautifully descriptive write. How can one recapture innocence? You can't, but this helps one remember when...