Description: I hadn't intended to write anything today, but sometimes that makes me write more. Telling myself to stop writing is like telling my heart to stop beating.
This is one that I don't care if anyone else likes because I do. I know ponies don't get polio, by the way. It's surrealistic wordplay.
Conjunct This Sentence -------------------------------------------
You pushed me down
like a pencil making a period.
If I could be that dot,
I'd jump from the page,
and stick on your eye,
expand and contract
with your breath
simply because a blind-souled man
needs nothing less.
You're as useful as a polo pony with polio.
I'll conjunct this sentence
very surreal... i liked the first two lines, like when you put the pencil to the paper and it snaps, like Learah said. i could hear it. but perhaps i am dense, but i didn't really get the last few lines about conjuncting the sentence. enlighten me, please!
I like the wordplay very much. I have done that a few times, too. last time I had 3 words beginning with f in a row. anyway your surreal images are great. beware of dots. here's nothing to criticize cause it's just a great poem. I know this. when you don't want to write you write the best things.
i DO like the polo pony with polio line, but then i'm a sucker for wordplay. anyway, that image works for me as well. it does seem to me the image of the dot and the eye do mean a pupil [if i'm reading it right] which of course has the two meanings, so there could be a double entendre there.
the only lines i didnt care for were
Maybe hopefully Possibly joyfully
forsome reason i just thought that didnt work well. anyway, overall a good write. :-)
Now... it's odd, because I find this good on some levels but not on others. Like, for instance, the pencil making a period. In my mind, I see a pencil, a brand new, crisply-pared pencil being used for the first time and doing that little *snap* as the very tip of the graphite cracks, leaving little spits of lead all over the clean page for the writer to brush away. That was great, it just really conveyed force and.. adamance, but the use of "period" -bah, it's called a full stop!- is very final... I don't like line three. Because the use of "a dot" makes it sound like you're talking about something completely different. It's like the complete opposite of what I have to say to people who use "the" all the time, "the" is specific and normally it's misused when the indefinite article is necessary. If you were to say "If I could be THAT dot" it would link line three to the opening ones, to the period, but A dot, like I said, feels as if you're talking about something completely different.
I actually didn't know why people were talking about the pupil in the eye at all. When I read this, I thought of a fleck of dirt that float around, stinging and scratching the surface and causing tears of pain and irritation to well up. BUT... I like the idea of a pupil... because of the use of blind-souled man. *reads on* Hold on... do pupils expand and contract with our breath? Cos that'd make the dot a pupil... *gets up and looks in the mirror* Mine don't. Does that mean I've got blind-souled eyes??! Argh! But anyway, if it is a pupil, that's really cool to be placed along blind souled... although I was thinking, does the blind soul man need the breath, or does he need a pupil to make him see? (I seem to be all over the place, but this is good. Your poem is making me think.)
I don't like the similie at all. It's completely pointless and bizarre; ponies can't catch polio and that just jumps out at me like a jack in the box... it has no place there at all and it's like... a random insult thrown in just because you can.
Maybe hopefully, possibly joyfully, you might be able to practice what you teach (:P) and add some punctuation to this. If it's meant to be a sentence, then it needs the punc. One of the things that bugs me about your writing is tht you rarely punctuate and that always give it a breathy, unfinished feel. Like you just stop in the middle... of a sentence! LOL, how sarcastic... I don't know how to round up on this. You have literally done what I accuse you of doing all the time. And with a threat, too!
This one curved around my mind for a few moments. I like the attack of the period in the eye, blind is blind, an excellent play of graphite violence. I think as artists we can never be sorry that we've been inspired, even though it wasn't pleasant at the time. I love your write, it's right, about the rites we live. Just glad you're around! nan
as someone else said, this is whimsical. i have no advice or suggestions because to change this would be some kind of crime, although of what i'm not sure of. i loved reading this aloud - i couldn't read it quietly to myself because i knew that this was one of those pieces that couldn't be fully appreciated without speaking the words. the imagery, as usual, is excellent. i've suddenly noticed how the pictures you make with your work is very intense, like the reader has no choice but to see things as you see them, and i'm always grateful for you inviting us along for the ride. great work. =]
i really like the idea of the period of a sentence being personified and becoming a pupil... wonderful... glad you don't take any SHlT from this guy... evil men... i'm on a hate streak, you're just feeding the fire...
This is a cute poem! I love the line "If I could be a dot I'd jump from the page and stick on your eye" - that made me laugh and then made me think of a line that could go along with it, "if I could be a pencil I would skip the page and poke you in the eye!" - whadya think???
So glad you fixed that. I was troubled like tht but the pupil neveer corrects the teacher. I was afraid I would have to stay after class and write lines on the chalkboard. Now it's perfect. Keep it up and I might have to stalk you.
Hey! When inspiration stikes, go with it...you're right, an artist stifling their expression is like trying not to fart...it's gonna come out somehow. That was gross. Sorry.
Love the alliteration...(I know you don't like using it)...but it's very effective and causes a great image of a horse on the polo field with braces on its legs...trying to trot. hehe. Way to fight back in this! Like some indomitable spirit that will not take being pushed around by some moron. Great images...
LoL This comment wouldn't be from me if I said that I didn't like this. I really thought this was cute. It jumps out at you, like your period jumps to the eye of the person in this. I'm a title person so this title is cute and the poem supports it on a grand scale. Very good Sunshine! -blt
i know what you mean. i find i write my best when the words take me by suprise. the rest of the time i'm thinking too hard.
this is really cool. and you're right it is surreal and beautiful for it. the first few lines, a period.. it just is. captures something. i'm being vague again but i think i'm allowed to be at 7am with no sleep ;p
Wow, feedback in bulk. No one commented on this, so maybe I'm off the mark, but I'm thinking the word sentence is a double entendre between the allusion to things terminal in writing, and the other possible meaning something similar to a prison sentence with the blind souled one. Maybe a combination, terminal sentence, death penalty. That would be one possible conjunction of the sentence. Another tie in might be the ocular references and conjunctivitis, but that's a long reach. Whew, too much scrabble! Overall it's a tell off, a put down, a shove off. But never a turn off. Dave