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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Wooden Swingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Jester_Gesture
    ASL Info:    23/f
    Elite Ratio:    3.41 - 365/459/201
    Words: 46
    Class/Type: Poetry/Friendship
    Total Views: 973
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 248



    Description:
       I wrote this for my friend Matt. It's one of many I wrote about our adventures this summer. He'll most likely never see any of them.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWooden Swingdots
    -------------------------------------------



    Take my memory and
    make me move.
    Take my hands and
    make me play.
    Take my feet and
    make me fly.
    Take my breath and
    make me laugh.
    Take my pain and
    make me smile.




    Submitted on 2004-11-16 23:25:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I enjoyed this one... I and personally hate titles at all. Most of my poems I would rather leave untitled. Some poems, the title just pops out at you and you can't deny it, but others are so good that no title will ever fit it. I like the title of this poem... it fits it and the emotions behind it perfectly
    | Posted on 2004-11-21 00:00:00 | by Raven5 | [ Reply to This ]
      I do like it. But I'm betting you like it a whole lot more. We try to please the reader too much on this site. Poetry is about you, not about the reader. An author writes to please those who buy his book. A poet writes for himself and only himself.
    | Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by reid kat | [ Reply to This ]
      Not sure what I think of this poem. It's simple and undeveloped. Also, the formatting seems rather drab. I just think you need to add more imagery, maybe even more bizarre comparisons. Wonderful start though, there's heart as well as potential.
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by I_Bleed_Ink | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a really sweet and simple poem. I think that it is good for what it is. I look forward to seeing more from you. Keep on writing and soon you will have found and perfected your own style.
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by The Black Rose | [ Reply to This ]
      except for the ending, i dont find the comparisons too logical
    "Take my feet and
    make me fly"
    You dont need feet to fly, unless of course u want wings to placed there :)
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by moaxcym | [ Reply to This ]
      except for the ending, i dont find the comparisons too logical
    "Take my feet and
    make me fly"
    You dont need feet to fly, unless of course u want wings to placed there :)
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by moaxcym | [ Reply to This ]
      I_Bleed_Ink and The Black Rose are both right and wrong.

    The simpliest poems are sometimes the sweetest. It does seem to just sit there. you need to find a way to captivate and get your readers to feel the moment with you. I think it is a good start and look forward to seeing your work develop.
    | Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by death22881 | [ Reply to This ]
      You were so wrong when you got angry at your readers, you know the title would throw them off and the poem could have been taken lots of ways, but a satanic poem was very very hard find in this poem. It doesn't ever matter what the reader think if the comments r just neg with the reasons they didn't like it.

    Its ok that some readers don't get some of your ,mine or others, you have to remember people haven't live in your shoes, only you have such a deep insight to who you are, even then your still exploring your own mind like everyone does.

    Not to mention, your description really threw the readers off.

    I am not yelling at you, I am trying to help u understand things. I think you are a good writer, who has a heart of gold.
    | Posted on 2005-01-09 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ]
      lovely. though i think that instead of repeating 'make me' here and 'make me' there, that there should be a different ...word instead. Just to give it some sort of movement, ya know. This would do well if revised.
    | Posted on 2004-11-17 00:00:00 | by Suven7 | [ Reply to This ]
      I just wanted to say that titles can lead to dissapointment. this is a very cute poem, but 'wooden swing' set me up for something more friendship/romantic related...I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it goes to show that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover.

    Cute little poem.
    | Posted on 2004-11-17 00:00:00 | by words_can_heal | [ Reply to This ]
      i think it's clunky. i don't mean to sound harsh, just how i read it. the repetition here is too much, too condense and the end feels abrupt, again too so. it is a nice idea.
    | Posted on 2004-11-17 00:00:00 | by wilderness | [ Reply to This ]
      I think it's sweet Katie. I don't think anything needs to be changed! This is very cute, and I think that if Matt ever saw it he would melt. Later babe.
    | Posted on 2004-12-04 00:00:00 | by AngelOutlaw | [ Reply to This ]
      You people still don't get it.

    You're looking at the poetry like it's an essay, and like it should be written like YOU would write it. No. That's not what I asked for. As feedback I asked for 'thoughts' not 'what should i change?'. Stop telling me what you don't like and look at it DEEPER. [i'm using the words of satan]

    And duh, titles are deceiving. I am anti-title-match. I hate it when the title is inside the poem. I DESPISE it. I use objects, tangible things. I'm not going to make this bizarre and I'm not going to change it. UGH. Everyone here is so closed minded about poetry is makes me sick.

    Most of my poetry is long. You didn't like that. So I gave you a short one. But what I've realized that the people here aren't 'elite'. They're stupid. All the poetry is the same and I've lost all respect for you. If I ever had any.



    And as for you 'words_can_heal', if titles are disappointing the lower your expectations. Expecting something from the title is just stupid. It's like the song called 'bobba o'reily' that's about a teenaged wasteland. Bobba O'Reily is the name of an instrument named after the band's guru. It has nothing to do with the song.

    Go buy a book on how to read poetry.

    {Katie}
    | Posted on 2004-11-17 00:00:00 | by Jester_Gesture | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    3. How did it make you feel?
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    9. How could it be improved?
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    12. Does it feel original?



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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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