Description: Just a little somethin.
Again, I write from my experiences. I hope you like it.
Questions or queries , I do answer. Sorry for it being another sad one!.
Sexual Fulfillment -------------------------------------------
I feel his thumb fumbling with the clasp of my bra...
It comes undone and the lace falles beneath us.
My breasts are free for him to touch
His warm embrace sooths my pain
He gently shuffles my underwear down past my ankles.
I lie before him entirely nude. Breathless.
I want to be one with him forever.
Our bodies mesh and our pain collides.
Tears slowly stream down my cheeks
The tears are caught by his kisses.
As we rock gently in tune with one another.
The heightened pure pleasure.
The light headed loss of control.
He rolls over.
I stare at the ceiling.
I'm just as empty as I was before.
Donít change a thing- forget those other suckers! That was awesome. It had some awe, yeaímean? A sniglett for those who have no idea what Iím saying. Look, it was good- screw direct and big words and what ever else they say. Yashkoba! I truly did love it. Rok, rok on!!! ~#6-
You need some imagery, something vivid. This is just dry; it reads more like fiction than poetry. Actually it's written as plainly as a newspaper article. You also need to look at your grammar and spelling closely.
you're being very obvious with your words. i don't think this should be revised, leave it alone. take the subject and try again. think about the feel of the moment, the smells, the sounds. try and paint something abstract with your words, something we can use our imaginations with, this left very little for that.
i do like aspects of this poem, i like the fact that you dont shie away from the realism, but you don't go quite far enough into it either. the ending is a tad abrupt and the title doesn't really do it justice