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Moments


Author: arkay
ASL Info:    50+/m/Atl.Can
Elite Ratio:    4.84 - 450 /320 /56
Words: 102
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1291
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 712



Description:


A pantoum.
Structure and rhyming pattern are tight, but I feel that some of the lines could be improved.
Any help appreciated.
The general theme is memories.


Moments



Moments to ponder existence that was
Causing to smile or shed a sweet tear
Flourish in wonder, finding just cause
Surrendering thought to have it clear
Causing to smile or shed a sweet tear
Rising at random, in constant array
Surrendering thought to have it clear
Easily found sentiments of yesterday

Rising at random, in constant array
Releasing in awe waves of delight
Easily found sentiments of yesterday
Shedding all reason to make it right

Releasing in awe waves of delight
Flourish in wonder, finding just cause
Shedding all reason to make it right
Moments to ponder existence that was




Submitted on 2004-11-17 09:01:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I thought you had a piece like this posted already...hm?
At any rate, this form is quite good for your images of memories. I'm not familiar with pantoumes so I cant say if you've stuck to form, but it seems like this structure lets the images speak for themselves more than in the traditional kinda rhyme form.
I still like 'rising at random, in constant array'.
Your writing evokes 3-D images, as always.
| Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by latentlylyrical | [ Reply to This ]
  Very nice play with phrasing. Fairly simple in thought but complex in scheme. You are another one, like myself, that seems to enjoy playing with words. In this case, its no small task putting together phrases that can interchange without losing meter...you've done a pretty good job of that. I suppose that with repeating phrases each one has the responsibility of being alive and interesting. I'm sure they can be touched up. In order to help or make suggestions on which phrases to alter I'd have to know exactly what you are trying to convey as a whole. Life in general and its constant ups and downs?...the surprises of life/love?..."Moments to ponder existence that was" suggests loss, but the rest of it doesn't grab me as an elegy. Is it?

I love the idea, but agree that its missing oomph. Something such as this begs for fluid, beautiful lines...a lulling effect if you will. If this is a first draft its a great place to start and a fun project for sure...I'll anticipate the next draft...
| Posted on 2004-11-17 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this and the way it was written. Although I dont know what the meaning of it is at all. So sorry if I knew what it was about I could try to help you with it. But keep writing and if you could get back to me on the meaning maybe I could help you out.
| Posted on 2004-11-17 00:00:00 | by FeelingAlive | [ Reply to This ]
  hmmm...kinda confusing if read very fast...i like it though, seems that lately I have liked alot of your work. I like the way you repeated:
Moments to ponder existence that was
Specially at the end, really brings about a nice, swift ending, leaving the reader to do exatcly as the phrase says...ponder...

->Dark
| Posted on 2004-11-17 00:00:00 | by drk_angl_17 | [ Reply to This ]
  Ah! I love pantoumes. This is the first I have read here at ES. I like this. But I think you need to create a separate stanza starting with "Causing to smile or shed a sweet tear
Rising at random, in constant array
Surrendering thought to have it clear
Easily found sentiments of yesterday". Unless that was just a typing error. I find these to be a challenging exercise, do you?
| Posted on 2004-11-17 00:00:00 | by redthewitch | [ Reply to This ]


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