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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Rose Bush of Truthdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Crimsonpathways
    Elite Ratio:    5.96 - 202/226/57
    Words: 134
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1034
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 862



    Description:
       Well, I think this is one of the best I have written before. It has rhythm, rhyme, style. I like it a lot and I believe that you will too. It relates back to days when petty things mattered, the days I am living right now. School, some work...you know all about this. Popularity, the need to be better and prettier than anyone else. This is my outlook on the whole thing, using metaphors..the whole poem is a metaphor really. Let us just see what you think eh?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRose Bush of Truthdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A single petal crumples to the ground,
    Just one tear drop, never to be found.
    Crimson gossip that vain leaf once had been,
    The prettiest flower of the bunch; colored sin.

    Blossom now wilted, their group will end,
    Even best friends, will sometimes not mend.
    If you take one thing that spills from my head,
    Think back and remember all the things you said.

    Sweet nectar drips into the river's water,
    Lies, now memories, of what things once were.
    Innocent beauty, gone along with the rest,
    Yet how have we lost such passion, such zest?

    Dirt rumbles beneath my feet, shaking me apart,
    Words of ignorance, bliss, nothing from the heart.
    No longer will I need to stay here, taken away,
    Be kind with the roses that are left after today.




    Submitted on 2004-11-18 05:03:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is awesome... the structure is good and everything that's needed in a poem is... well.. there. I love the first two stanzas. Hmm... what else? I just... liked it. Of course I did... obviously. If it's written by you I will most likely be in love with it by the second sentence.
    | Posted on 2005-01-12 00:00:00 | by poetofthenight | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh wow. I really, really loved this. An dI like how the situation here could apply to a friend or to a signifigant other. This is truly a beautiful piece! A sad, sad story, but totlly true. One a friendship fails, all theose wonderful shared times and experiences become wilted memries...until they eventually disappear all together...truths become lies and deciet and hate. You captured so much with so little, and that is the mark of a great writer, Your imagery and symbolism is exquisite in this poem. Seriously, this is wonderful!
    | Posted on 2004-11-20 00:00:00 | by Scribbles1338 | [ Reply to This ]
      Thank you for commenting on my first submitted poem. I liked the way you took the poem and disected it. It really let me know what you thought about it. Thanks...
    I enjoyed reading this one too. I wanted to comment on it more in depth, but I just loooked at the time and figured out that i need to go pick up my brother for soccar practice. So let me go and I'll try to come back here tomorrw. Great poettry though.
    | Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by His Lost Angel | [ Reply to This ]
      Of course, if we all thought it was absolutely beautiful(not that i don't), then we woulndn't be individuals. I think that this is one of the better structured pieces that i've seen so far. I had a little trouble finding a meter to match this piece. in a few of the lines, i think you have either too many words or too many sylables. For example

    A single petal crumples to the ground,
    Just one tear drop, never to be found.
    Crimson gossip that vain leaf once had been,
    The prettiest flower of the bunch; colored sin.

    Look at the third and fourth lines. one has 10 sylables and the other has 12. Which means it takes longer to speak them, which makes the reader stumble.

    Just remember. Even though i think it could use a slight rewording, i still enjoyed reading it.
    | Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by Bassrifts | [ Reply to This ]
      This really does a number on me. I am truely amazed to see young people with so much talent. Not often can I comment on poetry about love, because mostly it is the same thing.
    Even though this is more about loss of a friendship, it still expresses love. Love of that friend or lost love? Your metaphors are great, rhythm right on, smooth as oil on a baby's bum. . The rhyming is also good, except perhaps the start of the third stanza. You are a marvel.
    | Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by arkay | [ Reply to This ]
      wow.. this is almost overwhelming even for me.. the ryhme scheme again is just adding to this flow.. and the words just seem to play on the emotion so well.. it's nearly like your hitting the cords of others emotion.. trying to form some kind of song.. well keep playing.. lol i nearly didn't want this to end..
    Adam
    | Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by Pyrosis | [ Reply to This ]
      Beautiful ! extremely well written and I must say that your choice of words is excellant. I know that you are aware of these fatcs, but honestly I can find almost nothing wrong with this peice.
    Absolutely Love It !
    | Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by moaxcym | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. I loved this, and you're right it has perfect structure and everything. Wow. I especially loved- "The prettiest flower of the bunch; colored sin."- those words touched me. Amazing... seriously amazing. Loved it!
    | Posted on 2004-12-29 00:00:00 | by 8utterf1y | [ Reply to This ]


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