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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The chance fades into seasonsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: elephantasia
    ASL Info:    37/F/UK
    Elite Ratio:    3.54 - 398/490/159
    Words: 51
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 944
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 356



    Description:
       For my Dad, who no longer knows me, may we know each other again before he dies.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe chance fades into seasonsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I watched the magic manifest
    With each emotive exhaled breath
    And frozen by fear's cold, hard spell,
    Stood in horror as butterflies fell.

    With wings once colourful and bright
    Now frosted cold and deathly white
    Lamenting lemmings loomed a shroud
    I closed my eyes and wept aloud.





    Submitted on 2004-11-18 08:01:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I see you chose to drop I from L4.
    I like two better, and I like the frosted cold and deathly white better than into. I think I would go with emotive exhaled breath. I prefer the shorter word, although they are close in meaning.
    I still think that butterflies and lemmings have nothing to do with each other though.
    Last point, not sure where you live. In the U.S. I have never read the word loomed to mean other than something that is just ahead, such as the cliché, "loomed large on the horizon"
    but I can see where it could be the same meaning as woven.
    I think your love of the alliteration in that whole line is detracting from the grace of the rest of the piece. Yes, Lamenting lemmings loomed is a great line, perhaps you'll write another poem some time and you could use it again.
    Here is an idea, not a great one, but to preserve the connection to the butterflies, and the woven shroud, and even some of the alliteration:
    "weeping silkworms wove a shroud"????????
    Hey, glad to see you thinking it over. If nothing else, go with numero two and emotive.
    Dave
    | Posted on 2004-11-20 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      Gorgeous title. And effective, I HAD to open and read it. Well written. Effective metaphors although I thought the lemmings were conflicting with the butterflies.
    You could probably drop the I from L4. It would still keep all it's meaning.
    Like Emerging Soul, I took it to be Alzheimers or dimentia.
    The lemmings line, loomed a shroud. Not sure what you are driving at there, wove a shroud?
    Something closed out the lights, right? Need to figure out what the message is on that line and re write it more clearly I guess.

    One last thing, sorry these jump all over,
    frosted to a deathly white or
    frosted into deathy white?

    This is really a good piece, I hope you'll pull it together with an edit, I'd like to see it again if you do,
    Dave
    | Posted on 2004-11-19 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the imagery in this I could picture everything you said. It is also very sad and I am sorry for whatever is happening with your father. But this was a really great write. Keep writing and I will keep reading.
    | Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by FeelingAlive | [ Reply to This ]
      I take this to mean that you are losing your father to dementia or alzheimer's...?

    At first, your description had me reacting from my own personal knee-jerk father-issues (to say something along the lines of, "well, at least your father knew you at some point...mine has never cared to know me and never will") but then I read the poem and realized it was very different.

    Funny how everyone flavors their interpretations of things with their own truths...
    | Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by Emerging Soul | [ Reply to This ]
      Very sad. I hope he reads it so he can know how you feel. You use deep, cutting words and them form an effective picture of disappointment. At least that how I took it.

    Not every poem is meant to be understood by the masses. This is one that is obviously very close to you, so I'm sure you chose your words carefully. Thanks for sharing your pain.
    | Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      If you hadn't told me that it was for your father, i never would have known what you were talking about. The imagery, feeling, and rhythm were all there, but not the meat of the literature.
    | Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by Bassrifts | [ Reply to This ]
      How I wish I could find the marveled spin of silk
    that has captured this love, denied,
    to remember, before our last breaths
    life's composed of such little time.

    Thanks for inspiring me, that is a really beautiful write.
    The images are very unique, I like! I couldn't help but write another verse here. I hope you and your Dad can come to terms, I'm in touch with mine, but sometimes feel he doesn't know or support me. Especially in being a poet. Thanks for sharing this,
    it's wonderful. nan
    | Posted on 2004-11-27 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]


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