[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: But I loved youdots

    Author: rounin
    ASL Info:    17/f/USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.38 - 122/113/21
    Words: 99
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1008
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 752

       Take this however you want it. Make it tell your own story. What does it mean to you?

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBut I loved youdots

    He looked down
    at the broken spirit.
    "Why?" he asked.

    A dead tree stole his shadow
    as if to rob his existence
    piece by piece.

    He held back a bitter tear
    trying to preserve
    the shreds he held in his hands.

    "It shouldn't have been you..."
    He choked on dusty wind;
    his knees hit the searing dirt.

    In the midst of barren anguish
    a lost entity dissipated,
    slipped through shuddering fingers.

    "I know," the young spirit pled,
    a whisper on soft wind.
    "But I loved you."

    Submitted on 2004-11-18 11:11:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      It still gives me chills to this day. The word choice is odd, and very dramatic. How else would you write something of this nature, though? Over-dramatics can be the only way to express last minute regret and sorrow...and love to someone that only has such a short amount of time to understand you. It describes something very vividly to me, obviously. But in all honesty, I prefer this line:
    "A dead tree stole his shadow
    as if to rob his existence
    piece by piece."
    because that's the only part that took me a second to comprehend. I think we all like being challenged on some playing field and you are quite good at that. Now if only you could turn that talent toward yourself.
    | Posted on 2005-02-14 00:00:00 | by majinkenshinamv | [ Reply to This ]
      Can you please explain this to me so I can read it over with understanding! I liked the title. But for some reason I... just couldn't "get it" I will read this over and then give you a real comment later if you explain it! Take care!
    | Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by devonbracy | [ Reply to This ]
      This was really sad but very well written. Someone already said this but it gave me the chills too, the only way I can describe how it made me feel was like I was at a funeral. Great write
    | Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by Devadair | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this... how in your summary you challenge the reader to make it their own and so really... its not about what you wrote/meant/felt when you wrote it but the state that the reader is in as they read it which determines what the poem is to them... it is very hard to be able to write something well (like this one!) and leave room for the reader to put their spin on it...
    ive got all kindsa senario's going on at the mo... but it doesnt matter which one i go with... theyre all sad... realy sad
    but know that this is awesomely well written!
    | Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      This allows the readers mind to wonder into different situations in life, hauntingly reminding myself of a love lost, taken all of a sudden and the grief attached to it. "a whisper on soft wind"..spiritual "but i loved you", very nicely done. Thank you for sharing this work.
    | Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by MidnghtScorpion | [ Reply to This ]
      The word choice seems a bit odd to me, a little too dramatic. I can't make too much sense of the poem as a whole either, but that seems intentional seeing the description that goes along with it. What it means to me, perhaps that love is a contradiction? I'm not too sure though, but people can end up doing strange things out of love :)
    | Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by Lostinbeer | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem gave me the chills. It had me imagining all kinds of different things. First I was thinking of the setting being in some sort of ghost town and then I thought of and Indian reservation. It is a very "spiritual" peice. I thought it was very well written!
    | Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by fortressofwords | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]