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    dots Submission Name: Herdots

    Author: ladiesplanet1
    ASL Info:    23.cali baby
    Elite Ratio:    3.58 - 720/463/165
    Words: 120
    Class/Type: Poetry/Angry
    Total Views: 803
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 731

       Praise and criticism welcome
    please do all you can to make me a better writer
    i was just angry at the world when i wrote it thanks for listening

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    all this pain
    i feel inside
    it drives me sick
    outside my mind
    all the time
    i want to die
    or maybe kill her
    one more time
    its all so dark
    i feel insane
    i want to make her
    feel my pain
    ifeel i'm stuck
    in battle lane
    i want to kill her
    once again
    i feel alone
    there is no one
    i cannot stop
    once i've begun
    to pull the trigger
    of this gun
    i long to kill
    her sisters son
    i want to kill
    i want to die
    i want to sit
    and watch her fry
    i want to point out
    when she cries
    just one more shot
    between her eyes

    Submitted on 2004-11-18 14:00:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      tina. i did it for u. oh man, why didnt you tell me you could write like this?? ur almost as good as me!!
    any way, ter sut is still noy really talking to me anymore. all i do is write poetry about her. talk to her for me. gotta go my nizzle...

    da rizzle...
    | Posted on 2005-05-04 00:00:00 | by ladiesplanet1 | [ Reply to This ]
      The reader can definately tell from the way the laguage was used in this piece that you were in any mood but kind when you wrote this. I can't really say anything to improve your writing, as you write like me in many respects, relying on flow and rhyme, and for me that does the job because it keeps the piece going and can make for some abrupt ends in some cases. I would like to see you keep this style, though you could increase the length of your lines to more than three words, to make the writes more interesting, as well as experiment with some imagery as well as emotions. I look forward to reading more of your work in future...

    | Posted on 2004-11-21 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
      this writeis a little violent...though i'm not really sure what is going on her...the short arupt lines...are ok if you can still understand the write...the shortness of the lines make the write come off lke your yelling...but i understand your angry frustrated with someone...but i;m not sure why...and the violence in this comes off a little creepy even when i'm mad at someone i dont have thoughts like this...i think this write can be improved upon a great deal...its to vague to have an actual point...i'mnot trying to sound rudethats just how i feel...somuch angry so much feeling displaced in lack of words bad word choices you have somethin here it just needs expanded ...you need to take each line and try to think if you need it...and if you do how you can improve it...add some imagery...some metaphors...from your description you wish to improve...which means you take your writing serious...which means i know you can do better...if you need some suggestions help...give me a yell...purp
    | Posted on 2004-11-21 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]

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