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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: then comes deathdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: poetsoul
    ASL Info:    17/f/cali
    Elite Ratio:    2.47 - 109/151/32
    Words: 102
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 272
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 604



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthen comes deathdots
    -------------------------------------------


    i wanted to touch,
    to hold your hand in mine.
    you looked so cold and so unaware.
    i sat beside you,
    not meeting your eyes.
    i smelt death
    it lingered in the room,
    haunting us.
    you seem to not know,
    but i do.
    i wanted to keep you alive, to prevent the enevitable death.
    your helpless, but then, so am i.
    all i can do is cry for you,
    but will tears do?
    i try and smile,
    so the last thing you see is a smile.
    all you see is a frown,
    hidden behind tears of loss...
    then comes death.




    Submitted on 2004-11-18 17:32:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I overall raelly enjoyed this poem my only suggestion is the line

    i wanted to keep you alive, to prevent the enevitable death.

    I don't think you need the word death, with it it makakes the peom a little repetitive, but only a suggestion. Anyways I like the theme, and How you were trying to reach out even when the wordse was going to happen anyways. i think many can learn from this poem, I am extremely glad that you have posted it. My favorite line is

    i smelt death
    it lingered in the room,
    haunting us.

    This really gives an imergery of two alone, one trying to encourage, knowing htat one step in the wrong direction could resault in a fatal mistake,. It remimnds me of dangling on a cliff, anyways enough of me babbling, This was a great write, like so many of yours are, Thanks for posting it.
    take care, and much love
    kaity
    | Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by Kaitylizzy | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a deep and troubling poem. I like the form and imagery. Everything seemed to work well. However, many people like to see a description of what your thoughts were at the time you wrote it. Obviously, you were upset and/or hurt, but people react to emotions. I think you did an excelent job at writing this, so you can ignore the request for a description if you wish. It was more of a personal request than anything, anyway. Keep up the writing.
    | Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by Victoria | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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