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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: mechanic afflictiondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: dannyshyboy
    ASL Info:    29/m/fl
    Elite Ratio:    5.43 - 152/93/26
    Words: 168
    Class/Type: Poetry/What you did
    Total Views: 1125
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1453



    Description:
       not my favorite, just wanted to see what ppl thought.. this one goes to all my x's who cheated on me... i found somone better hehe....


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsmechanic afflictiondots
    -------------------------------------------


    Static
    in a mode of panic
    its tragic
    humans are organic
    yet your mechanic
    I can't read your brain waves
    you think you're forgave
    after you've misbehaved
    negative
    you've chosen an alternative
    somewhat atractive
    seductive
    yet destructive
    mechanisms have no remorse
    my infactuations are deforced
    your mechanic chips are enforced
    manmade
    soon my feelings for will fade
    you will no longer persuade
    cut off connections
    infest you with injections
    until you strive for electricity
    not to plug in for lubricity
    but to cause incapacity
    toxic shock
    a mind block
    your resentment is locked
    causing error
    oppresor
    everything's in exposure
    forclosure
    thought machines have intelligence
    they're for sale, in clearance
    no more interference
    no more arrogance
    my life is now balanced
    with your insignificance
    your overindulgance
    has left me incoherent
    b/c of your intents
    I've been your experiment
    you're intentions have been accomplished
    I'm astonished
    I don't want to be replenished
    I want this to finish
    end my humiliation
    I'm of your creation
    your study of amoralistic evaluations...




    Submitted on 2004-11-18 19:18:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      A good flow to your message. And the ranting not overdone to project your feelings." forgave" rather sticks out, causing pause to the reader, so therefore a stumble to the flow. The manufacture of some words must have come from the mechanic, huh? deforced, lubricity, oppresor(the last possibly a mispelling).
    Overall, a good write.
    | Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by arkay | [ Reply to This ]
      Well why don't I just call you Jigga. I might be kinda behind... is that what they're calling Jay-Z these days? He's retiring so somebody's gotta take his place. Anyways, that's what I meant. So. I really dug this. I like how you jumped from one thing to the next. I've been wanting to write something like this but I just can't, I guess my mind doesn't work like that. But I love that you did it, greatness indeed.
    | Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by WaxingPoetic | [ Reply to This ]
      The rhythm and rhyme scheme of this poem is fantastic, although I think it is stronger in the beginning of the poem. One thing: I guess you like to use "b/c," but I find abbreviations like that in an otherwise normal (okay, maybe "normal" is not the absolute best word for any angry poem about betrayal and unfeelingness, but I think you understand) poem extremely annoying, so I fervently suggest changing it to "because."
    Also, should be "it's tragic," "yet you're mechanic," "my infatuations are deforced," "soon my feelings for you will fade."
    I feel guilty about pointing out this stuff on such an emotional poem, but I can't help noticing and it tends to distract me. I guess you should specify your comments if you don't want that.
    Also, I noticed the comment about about "forgave." I understand that you didn't choose forgiven because it doesn't work with the rhyme scheme. I think that particular word forces the rhyme and is a little jarring, but I wouldn't necessarily suggest "forgiven" as an adequate substitute.
    To conclude, since I think the comment is getting longer than the poem itself, I thought it was well written, engrossing, and not ranty, as this type of poem can tend to be.
    | Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by dreamexandra | [ Reply to This ]
      well damn you can think like hell if you can put that many words that ryhme like that...lol..but yeah anyways this is a very good poem and man im glad you found something better than those other girls cuz ive been through that [censored] and its [censored] gay...well l8r..and hopes this new one works for ya...
    | Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by medicated | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a heartspoken piece, one which I absaloutly love, this provokes thought more than most pieces shared. I do agree about the line that hannah mentioned but what can I say the rest was almost brilliant. It flowed extremely well, just with some flaws, but they were definatly forgotton with the truth of the poem. I admire the emotion you transferd here, and the meaning and point of the poem is so vague, which in turn makes you read it again and again. I really enjoyed this write dannyshyboy, and am looking foward to more of your work, keep writing, take care.
    | Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by matt73 | [ Reply to This ]


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