Dance by KrimsonReaper

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Submission Name: Dance dots

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Author:	KrimsonReaper
ASL Info:	26/M/Denver, CO
Elite Ratio:	4.61 - 328/443/46
Words:	181

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	497
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1544

Description:
Wrote this tonight while chilling out. Meh...

Dance

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Closing eyes, she knows this song.
Pursing lips, now wait…just wait.
Feel that. Kiss the empty air.
And now a laugh that sings the verse;
she falters, but won’t let it go.
       The music still enchants and haunts her,
       but she never dances anymore.

Eyelids flutter, gaze far off
into the clouds, the smoke cavorting
at a shadow’s threshold, searching
for that faded little girl
who dreamed of more than whiskey and fear.
       Lipstick marks the empty glass,
       another one and she’ll forget.

Fingers tremble, calmed in grasping
the crucifix between her breasts.
Faith in ashes at the pyre
of yesterday, tonight, tomorrow.
A sigh and hope will fight the fire.
       She finds my stare, she knows I know;
       still her fingers stroke her savior.

My eyes are mirrors to her yearning,
a face familiar in lost illusion.
We know the dreams; they still are hiding:
her little girl lost, my little boy crying.
Sing it again. We both turn away.
       The music still enchants and haunts me,
       but, baby, I don’t dance no more.

Submitted on 2004-11-19 01:25:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Excellent piece here, my good man. I like the subdued use of consonance and assonance, whether intentional or not it makes it flow well when read aloud. The structure seemed a bit odd to me at first (what with the seven line stanzas, the two indented lines at the end of each), almost feeling like some sort of English sonnet, doubled over (without a strict end-rhyme scheme). I think more likely, though, that this is just a form I?m not aware of (or one you created yourself). Whatever the case, the structure is consistent (trochee tetrameter, I think?) and adds a lot to the piece. I like how it wasn't revealed until the end that the piece is written from a first person perspective. It helps the piece become something more than just observational. I?m sorry to say that this is the first piece of yours I have read. I'm impressed.

-You keep writing and I?ll keep reading.
-DD
| Posted on 2005-01-29 00:00:00 | by DevilDinosaur | [ Reply to This ]
  It's so sad, they're both standing on the outside of life looking in. Feelings lost in the music, in the glases they drink. This is the first work I've read of yours and I plan on coming back. The comments ahead of me really covered it all. I'm impressed, it cuts right to the bone. thanks for sharing,
nansofast
| Posted on 2004-12-29 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  it's been awhile. i wrote a piece that was ipartly nspired by one of your comments, play it again sam, perhaps you should check it out?

but enough about me lets talk about the lovely work in front of me.

there's a piece of the girl in all of us. wanting so desperatley to change and let go, knowing that she deserves better, but holding onto that last thread of hope that maybe things will be alright because it's all she's ever known.
it is wrong for us to hold on but yet it feels so right. the bitterness is outweighed by the pleasent comfort we feel.

added to the faves.
| Posted on 2004-12-22 00:00:00 | by bite my lip | [ Reply to This ]
  Aaron...this was definitely worth the wait. (although it took me long enough to get round to reading it didnt it? =] )
There are definitely some of your recurring themes that seem evident here.. and as always you master these kinds of emotions in your writing. the longing and the insecurities are so honest and pure.. it just pulls at something inside of you as you read it.

your word choice is exquisite..the poem just rolls off your tongue from one word to the next into that perfect kind of ending that lingers that little bit longer after you've finished reading.
i've missed your poems.
| Posted on 2004-12-16 00:00:00 | by girlinthephoto | [ Reply to This ]
  Once again I swoon to your writing Aaron. Your sad characters come to life through your detailed description,-not of what they look like, but rather their actions and thoughts. Here we have a melancholy man, observing a lone woman in a bar, For most of the first three stanzas, we see through her eyes, and know her thoughts, through your plaintively beautiful words. You describe her actions in great detail, the singing in a slightly faltering voice, kissing the empty air,-fidgeting with her cricifix-you weave all those textures and colors-into the framework of her thoughts, which seem to be fixed in the past.
Enter the observer- and now we see that the thoughts are perhaps not all hers and hers alone. She could be simply be the mirror for his own disappointment,-"she knows I know" I suspect it is some of each.-what she "knows" , and why she knows it, is something common to you both,-and probably to many other people, in other bars, in othercities.

One fave part was "Faith in ashes at the pyre of yesterday, tonight, tomorrow "-you so subtlely wash the words with religious allusions to faith-and hope, ( the crucifix, the pyre, the savior-)

Your closing lines are so lyrical, this puts me in mind of a sad song, the kind that might be playing onthat juke-box.(Ever notice how depresed people sitting alone in the bar like those melancholy tunes?Or perhaps all the music in the worls seems that way when you have the blues-

"We know the dreams; they still are hiding:
her little girl lost, my little boy crying.
Sing the same song, we both turn away.
The music still enchants and haunts me,
but, baby, I don’t dance no more."

Each alone, yet sharing a universal loneliness and longing.. This is wonderful. as usual. nothing critical to say.
Silver
| Posted on 2004-12-08 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
  "...searching for that faded little girl/who dreamed of more than whiskey and fear..." that line just packed a punch for me. it is so melancholy and hearbreaking. you are two lost souls searching for some kind of connection in a smokey bar. being lonely together may be better than being alone apart, yes? too much living and worn out for dancing, yet your souls somehow connect, "her little girl lost, my little boy crying." sad.
| Posted on 2004-11-24 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
  Now this, mate, is a return to form. Well [censored] done, you :D

It has cadence and quality and reels out an entrancing spiel that takes my attention and coild it. The rhythm seems to speed up imprecitbly through out and as a result the end is very much a crescendo, with the changes to your repetition well utilised in a good space.
It's good to be reading your poetry :)

She sounds like a nervous wreck. I can't help but feel for her, in my eye I see every line of this play out before me.
I love the beginning.

"Closing eyes, she knows this song.
Pursing lips, now wait…just wait.
Feel that. Kiss the empty air.
And now a laugh that sings the verse;
she falters, but won’t let it go.
The music still enchants and haunts her,
but she never dances anymore."

I do that... wait, just wait. And as the music begins... it really oozes the poetics, this.
And so does the rest, there's not a single thing in this that could annoy me. Make this your feature, it far surpasses The Wind.
| Posted on 2004-11-22 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]
  And now a laugh that sings the verse;
she falters, but won’t let it go.
The music still enchants and haunts her,
but she never dances anymore.

- jazz poetry come to life that i can love, minus the bongos, berets, interpretive dancers with white face make up and bitter coffee.

i've missed your writing, though it occurs to me now that the pieces of yours that stand out in my mind are all set in some kind of restaurant/bar/cafe. and that kind of makes me appreciate this more, even though the style isn't the one i recall and associate with you. the imagery is piercing with that edge that i cut my fingers on as i examine the sharpness. word choice not the same ol' same ol' that has been running rampant around here lately. thank goodness for this. great stuff. =]

~Blue
| Posted on 2004-11-19 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]
  wow, i really really liked this poem, its deep and it flows very nicely and i just really liked it, all the stanza's had such powerful meaning, i'm still thinking about it, i really enojoyed ur poem!
| Posted on 2004-11-19 00:00:00 | by DancingGirl | [ Reply to This ]
  i loved this... i forgot how much i love your stuff... my bad!
i love the first stanza... all i could see was her singing her heart out... singing like the world is watching and then dying of embarrassment when she realises it is...
i love the way you got your two lil lines that jut out a lil from the others...
also i was very struck by

Faith in ashes at the pyre
of yesterday, tonight, tomorrow

woah... thats just the most amazing image! im completely in awe! one should never stop dancing though...no matter how bad life gets... dancing keeps the world spinning... specially in the rain...
i like the sadness of this write most of all... the lonliness conveyed by both you and the girl... like why be alone when we can be lonely together... makes sense on some level...
awesome write sir! bl00dy brilliant!
| Posted on 2004-11-19 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  Closing eyes, she knows this song.
Pursing lips, now wait…just wait.
Feel that. Kiss the empty air.
And now a laugh that sings the verse;
she falters, but won’t let it go.
The music still enchants and haunts her,
but she never dances anymore.

Ok I had mixed feelings reading this piece. I can't tell if there's any true emotion coming out of this or if it's just words for words. I do, however, like the way you tied the ending stanza into the first one.

My eyes are mirrors to her yearning,
a face familiar in lost illusion.
We know the dreams; they still are hiding:
her little girl lost, my little boy crying.
Sing the same song, we both turn away.
The music still enchants and haunts me,
but, baby, I don’t dance no more.

Somewhat of a little twist and irony, I suppose. Once again, though, I'm not sure if there was any raw emotion put into this piece or not. Regardless, it wasn't bad.

Rob
| Posted on 2004-11-19 00:00:00 | by Me Rambling | [ Reply to This ]
  i like this piece because
1 it has depth
2 it has class
3 it has emotion
i have to say that my fave bit was

My eyes are mirrors to her yearning,
a face familiar in lost illusion.
We know the dreams; they still are hiding:
her little girl lost, my little boy crying.
Sing the same song, we both turn away.
The music still enchants and haunts me,
but, baby, I don’t dance no more.
| Posted on 2004-11-19 00:00:00 | by kellz | [ Reply to This ]
  Terrific. I love how in under 200 words, you tell so much about two characters and the setting and happenings. You always have "round characters"; I want more of their stories and also what's going to happen next. I agree with girlinthephoto, it just seems to easily keep rolling. So easy to read. You make poetry seem so effortless. This piece is seamless and I really enjoyed it. Great job.
| Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by mixedemotions00 | [ Reply to This ]

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