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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Shangri-la Dies in Pandimoniumdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ViCiOuSWrItEr
    ASL Info:    18/Female/Desolate
    Elite Ratio:    3.97 - 890/865/108
    Words: 141
    Class/Type: Misc/Serious
    Total Views: 900
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 762



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShangri-la Dies in Pandimoniumdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Castles crumble, into hell's paradise, bodies die, while humans continue to lie. A pulsing throb crawls through my temples, I wonder how sharp the pin your sticking me with is. I sit inside your plastic case, awaiting your discovery, soon you'll find me, soon you'll bind me, throw me away, only to be picked back out when your weaknesses show and all you know is me. I lay beside you at night, and die a little, I sleep along side you and cry a little, but empty tears shatter over your aura and only bring you better dreams than the night before, my demise is determined, and is your master plan, couldn't you hold me one last time? I'll end up being the black veil that hides her face, a smile erased, and a lonely heart unchased.




    Submitted on 2004-11-19 10:45:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hi.

    Your style is interesting. I wouldn't like it for long pieces because it would seem like a drag-on. For one, there are no line breaks. And you write in a kind of breathless way.
    It works fine here, because the piece is short.

    I went to look up Shangri-la, and got this
    'any place of bliss and delight and peace'
    For some reason both me and my boyfriend are under the impression that Shangri-la was a person... so maybe that has some background in your piece... or maybe we're just full of [censored].

    The piece itself is so so interesting. It starts off at high speed, creating a picture of destruction.

    'Castles crumble, into hell's paradise, bodies die, while humans continue to lie.'

    I read thru and found a story of unrequited love... my interpretation only, and maybe different from what you had in mind. Maybe being in love with someone who had neither the capacity or the wish to return love.
    The story is fascinating, and you hold attention with binding phrases...

    I love these

    'soon you'll find me, soon you'll bind me, throw me away, only to be picked back out when your weaknesses show and all you know is me.'

    it says that the one she adores does have weakness and somehow trusts her to heal them... but is also programmed to hurt rather than to return the healing.

    'I lay beside you at night, and die a little, I sleep along side you and cry a little, but empty tears shatter over your aura and only bring you better dreams than the night before'

    this too is just amazing, i read it as her saying that her pain only makes him stronger.

    That's the good, the amazing about this piece.

    I hate doing this b/c I don't like to pick at something because I don't understand it, but here goes.

    I don't like this because it almost makes no sense. almost.

    'I wonder how sharp the pin your sticking me with is.'

    ... what is that? it naturally falls in with the entire 'pain' 'woe to me' guidelines, but it makes no sense.
    The only way I understand it is to see if she is asking how much more pain he plans to crush her with.
    Also, you mispelt "your"... it should be "you're"

    I'm ignoring this 'I sit inside your plastic case' but in reflection maybe you could have explained the plastic case and its purpose and place in the story...

    'my demise is determined, and is your master plan,'
    my ONLY nitpicking here is about the ending of this. Maybe you could say 'it is your master plan', or change it so that the sentence is saying in some way that her demise is his master plan, because otherwise I find the entire master plan phrase to be useless. I think i know what you're saying, but because I took the time to raise an eyebrow and think about it... (I do that a lot, we never said I wasn't slow lol).

    The ending is very nice. The black veil threw me off a little... whose face are we hiding, or should I not take that literally and just assume that she means she will become a black veil (because it is a symbol of opression or sadness or whatever).

    'I'll end up being the black veil that hides her face, a smile erased, and a lonely heart unchased.'

    I still like the ending though, especially because of the repetition (... don't laugh if I spelled that wrong).

    In fact, I like all of the repition throughout the piece.
    'find me... bind me' 'a little'... some people think repetition is the devil but I think it gives good flow.

    I'm sorry I was so picky. Don't think I didn't like the piece... I don't comment on poetry I don't like because it's evil to do so. I'm just looking at the strong potential for this piece. If you ever go back and do any editing on it, please tell me about it. It would be a pleasure to see what you come up with next...

    ~Akhi
    | Posted on 2005-06-06 00:00:00 | by Alize | [ Reply to This ]
      ooo... this is impressive!
    i like how the first line its like human lies are the foundation of the world...

    I sit inside your plastic case, awaiting your discovery, soon you'll find me, soon you'll bind me, throw me away, only to be picked back out when your weaknesses show and all you know is me.

    this is sad... the feeling of being used... of being cast aside until your needed... like a hammer or something... just a tool in his world but then... there is a time when all he has is you... all he knows and wants is you... shame its not under better circumstances...

    I lay beside you at night, and die a little, I sleep along side you and cry a little,

    these lines reminded me of a blues song... i cant remember which it is exactly but its this chic singing cry a little/die a little... her without her man... i dunno... i could so hear it as i read those lines... kinda cool... added to the effect in my world...

    but empty tears shatter over your aura and only bring you better dreams than the night before,

    this part broke me... your tears were nothing but water for his dreams... theyre your poison and his nourishment... thats just so... harsh
    this is a very good write... i could go on but im sure your prolly sick of me by now... i very like!
    | Posted on 2004-11-20 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      end iof line 2, you're not your.
    This is some good sh*t...hard words from a broken soul. The pain and suffering of being slowly killed by a person so close...it's deadly. (no pun intended)
    -AC
    | Posted on 2004-11-19 00:00:00 | by StarAcabar | [ Reply to This ]
      this was good. i don't know if it's about what i think it is, which is you're with this woman that is slowly killing you from the inside, and she breaks up with you just to take u back and kill you more? i don't know, just what i got from it. and i kind of related to it in that sense.
    | Posted on 2004-11-19 00:00:00 | by soadman | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
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    12. Does it feel original?



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