Description: i write some random stuff in my poetry class...this one, i don't know where it came from. it was just some nice vision of how the night may be, or the ocean may be...i may come to worship it, who knows...so it is an ode to seas, i guess. it will be called a work in progress, for now. thanks
~april
To Seas... -------------------------------------------
they have never closed their eyes
it’s ending on night…lash’d like
small nets, black pearls that leap
from crest to crest ~ and it looks
cold but its not just because this is
dark…Because they play tricks
with stars; reaching up
Breaching puddles of ink that spilled
in the sky, and pulling indigo cotton
from the constellations’ vast pillow…
I’ve been trying to see through waves
which is hard when I keep seeing you
Bubbles pop and leak into my eyes,
maybe like they were stained glass
maybe because <listen to me when you hear>
baby I have no tears…
maybe at the bottom there’s metal in
the sand…
it could be that a mirror shattered,
fell from a shelf, the indigo pillow
and crashed the flat tabletop of the ocean
looked like black marble with hints
of turquoise and teal
as we tried to be deep and liquid so did
those azure shades, rippling their curtains
rendering light from sadness with sequins
black pearls I have prayed to before, but
never while I was in the water…suffocating
the youngest of the sacrifice
for want of new blood, new salt-water tears…
still going to look after the horizon’s dead
we should swim til we find one another
and then drown here in the double night sky
or at least pretend to close our eyes…~
Goddamnit, your imagery is just something else April, you've got this ocean at night in my mind with someone floating like driftwood; I love it when you do these sweeping descriptions because you encompass the scene and drop it right in my head; it's like there's something alive in there. Only it makes me think of a landscape in paints and tapestry, something surreal about it. This is a VERY good seascape. Last stanza especially.
there are some misleading punctuation marks here and there, but i confess i didn't see them until the second time i read it. there's a bit of a conquistadora thing going on here, stepping from the rowboat into a bog of mystery and a building excitement from the pit of your stomach as your feet hit strange earth. the occassional rhyme kept it whimsical enough for me to believe in the fantastic pictures you painted here and it never was a chore for me to keep reading, as there was always something new to wonder at. thanks for this, it's an ace piece. =]
Wow! I loved this piece. See, I'm an astronomy freak. So I really enjoyed this. I liked how your words made a moving picture in my mind. The vividness of this piece is awesome. Great work. Oh! Is that your picture up there?
ok this piece and your exquisite use of imagery make me wanna call you Salvidor Dali's little sister. This piece makes me think of pillow talk of two people after sex but its not like they were lovers or knew eachother before that intimate experience. I really can't think of much else to say except you always get my brain churning trying to think of different ways of perceieving your work...Keep it up April! I wanna see more!-The Grey Pilgrim
baby this is Divine! its truely awesome to see you back gorgeous girl... ive missed your stuff lately! no one can create word pictures and imagery like you and this is simply breathtaking... i shant ever be able to go to the beach in the middle of the night (as i regularly do) and look at the night sky the same way again... the second stanza was amazing... fake tears or artificial coz baby i aint got none of my own... none left anyways... exquisite! baby you gotta keep posting your stuff... you cant not! take care of you girl... see ya round!
damn you can write, some of the word groupings(? i don't know how to phrase that..) it just looks like your mind was playing with words, the skill of the rhyme. I love the image, i can't even say why, it's like a dreamscape, like an ocean at the end of the world. hmm..when i really like something I'm usually dumbfounded as to how to say how i like it...sorry..but i really like it and how you write.
there is something hugely romantic about your pieces i have read. [this one and the your latest submission]. i have read them both twice, and they are not easy to read. i would say that your grammar/punctuation is not helping you, but i dont think it is an easy task to deal with your barrage of words and imagery and lengthy analogies. the pieces read much like a schoolchild who stands up in assembly [or church, or at school or whatever,] or like alison hannigans character in american pie. we are made to find our own way around your writings, and there is little use of any stopping or resting techiniques, the piece is very breathless and singular in tone. and i cant work out if this is what you are going for or if it lends itself well to your piece.
i like the 'maybe's' in this piece. maybe's are so dreamy and romantic. and what lovers do with each other. like sharing each others dreams. there is little better between two people. better than doggy stlye wile giving the ass a slap like speeding up a bull. maybe. 'Because they play tricks with stars; reaching up Breaching puddles of ink that spilled in the sky, this is an excellent group of lines. as are the last two lines. you have a way of turning cliché into evocative, and i think there is a certain skill to this. i certainly do not possess it. im wondering what a few more reads will do to my opnion of your writing. so i wll do so. take care on1eday.co.uk
such a beautiful description, loved it like totally! like totally man! [censored] so cool! great word usage, great build up, and metaphors were awsoem, more than awsome actually! adn the tinge of romanticism (dunno how to spell it) did more than add to the poem. but i have just a little bit problem with the last stanza, i dont get the sacrifice thing, can you enlighten me?
but other than that it was cool, and yes i understood every bit of it but that one part!
you're a fantastic writer. you really breathe life into your work, the descriptions are so rich without being over done. the first stanza is just perfection, just cascades, water over rocks, each word sliding into the next.. awesome flow!
Submission Name: To Seas...
