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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: To Seas...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: leper messiah
    ASL Info:    21~f~New England
    Elite Ratio:    5.02 - 197/249/38
    Words: 235
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 930
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1505



    Description:
       i write some random stuff in my poetry class...this one, i don't know where it came from. it was just some nice vision of how the night may be, or the ocean may be...i may come to worship it, who knows...so it is an ode to seas, i guess. it will be called a work in progress, for now. thanks
    ~april


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTo Seas...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    they have never closed their eyes
    it’s ending on night…lash’d like
    small nets, black pearls that leap
    from crest to crest ~ and it looks
    cold but its not just because this is
    dark…Because they play tricks
    with stars; reaching up
    Breaching puddles of ink that spilled
    in the sky, and pulling indigo cotton
    from the constellations’ vast pillow…

    I’ve been trying to see through waves
    which is hard when I keep seeing you
    Bubbles pop and leak into my eyes,
    maybe like they were stained glass
    maybe because <listen to me when you hear>
    baby I have no tears…

    maybe at the bottom there’s metal in
    the sand…
    it could be that a mirror shattered,
    fell from a shelf, the indigo pillow
    and crashed the flat tabletop of the ocean
    looked like black marble with hints
    of turquoise and teal
    as we tried to be deep and liquid so did
    those azure shades, rippling their curtains
    rendering light from sadness with sequins

    black pearls I have prayed to before, but
    never while I was in the water…suffocating
    the youngest of the sacrifice
    for want of new blood, new salt-water tears…
    still going to look after the horizon’s dead
    we should swim til we find one another
    and then drown here in the double night sky
    or at least pretend to close our eyes…~




    Submitted on 2004-11-19 11:07:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Goddamnit, your imagery is just something else April, you've got this ocean at night in my mind with someone floating like driftwood; I love it when you do these sweeping descriptions because you encompass the scene and drop it right in my head; it's like there's something alive in there. Only it makes me think of a landscape in paints and tapestry, something surreal about it. This is a VERY good seascape. Last stanza especially.

    Do I need to say I love it?

    Becky
    | Posted on 2004-11-20 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]
      there are some misleading punctuation marks here and there, but i confess i didn't see them until the second time i read it. there's a bit of a conquistadora thing going on here, stepping from the rowboat into a bog of mystery and a building excitement from the pit of your stomach as your feet hit strange earth. the occassional rhyme kept it whimsical enough for me to believe in the fantastic pictures you painted here and it never was a chore for me to keep reading, as there was always something new to wonder at. thanks for this, it's an ace piece. =]

    ~Blue
    | Posted on 2004-11-19 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]
      i may come to worship it,

    I'm going to worship it...that's for sure.
    The beauty in song and saddness...almost like what is sought can not be grasped.
    Owww...I like this.

    Breaching puddles of ink that spilled
    in the sky, and pulling indigo cotton
    from the constellations’ vast pillow…

    Oh boy...feel like christmas...yeay
    This with be a fav forever...I can't say enough...
    so I'll just stop here.

    THANK YOU for sharing this wonder with us...
    yeay!
    ;)
    Kelly
    | Posted on 2004-11-19 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow! I loved this piece. See, I'm an astronomy freak. So I really enjoyed this. I liked how your words made a moving picture in my mind. The vividness of this piece is awesome. Great work.
    Oh! Is that your picture up there?
    | Posted on 2004-11-19 00:00:00 | by BloodyWords | [ Reply to This ]
      ok this piece and your exquisite use of imagery make me wanna call you Salvidor Dali's little sister. This piece makes me think of pillow talk of two people after sex but its not like they were lovers or knew eachother before that intimate experience. I really can't think of much else to say except you always get my brain churning trying to think of different ways of perceieving your work...Keep it up April! I wanna see more!-The Grey Pilgrim
    | Posted on 2004-11-29 00:00:00 | by Mithrandir | [ Reply to This ]
      baby this is Divine!
    its truely awesome to see you back gorgeous girl... ive missed your stuff lately!
    no one can create word pictures and imagery like you and this is simply breathtaking... i shant ever be able to go to the beach in the middle of the night (as i regularly do) and look at the night sky the same way again...
    the second stanza was amazing... fake tears or artificial coz baby i aint got none of my own... none left anyways... exquisite!
    baby you gotta keep posting your stuff... you cant not! take care of you girl... see ya round!
    | Posted on 2004-11-29 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      damn you can write, some of the word groupings(? i don't know how to phrase that..) it just looks like your mind was playing with words, the skill of the rhyme. I love the image, i can't even say why, it's like a dreamscape, like an ocean at the end of the world. hmm..when i really like something I'm usually dumbfounded as to how to say how i like it...sorry..but i really like it and how you write.
    | Posted on 2004-12-01 00:00:00 | by joe quinn | [ Reply to This ]
      there is something hugely romantic about your pieces i have read.
    [this one and the your latest submission].
    i have read them both twice, and they are not easy to read. i would say that your grammar/punctuation is not helping you, but i dont think it is an easy task to deal with your barrage of words and imagery and lengthy analogies.
    the pieces read much like a schoolchild who stands up in assembly [or church, or at school or whatever,] or like alison hannigans character in american pie. we are made to find our own way around your writings, and there is little use of any stopping or resting techiniques, the piece is very breathless and singular in tone.
    and i cant work out if this is what you are going for or if it lends itself well to your piece.

    i like the 'maybe's' in this piece.
    maybe's are so dreamy and romantic. and what lovers do with each other. like sharing each others dreams.
    there is little better between two people.
    better than doggy stlye wile giving the ass a slap like speeding up a bull.
    maybe.
    'Because they play tricks
    with stars; reaching up
    Breaching puddles of ink that spilled
    in the sky,
    this is an excellent group of lines. as are the last two lines. you have a way of turning cliché into evocative, and i think there is a certain skill to this. i certainly do not possess it.
    im wondering what a few more reads will do to my opnion of your writing. so i wll do so.
    take care
    on1eday.co.uk
    | Posted on 2004-12-03 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      such a beautiful description, loved it like totally! like totally man! [censored] so cool! great word usage, great build up, and metaphors were awsoem, more than awsome actually! adn the tinge of romanticism (dunno how to spell it) did more than add to the poem. but i have just a little bit problem with the last stanza, i dont get the sacrifice thing, can you enlighten me?

    but other than that it was cool, and yes i understood every bit of it but that one part!

    Zu
    | Posted on 2004-12-03 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]
      you're a fantastic writer. you really breathe life into your work, the descriptions are so rich without being over done. the first stanza is just perfection, just cascades, water over rocks, each word sliding into the next.. awesome flow!
    | Posted on 2004-12-05 00:00:00 | by wilderness | [ Reply to This ]


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