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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Seaside Suicide pt. 4dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: brunov68
    ASL Info:    22/M/Toronto
    Elite Ratio:    4.34 - 311/320/30
    Words: 110
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 387
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 740



    Description:
       This took longer to come out then the others, not exactly more work, but less time working at it. As far as the piece, I think, it could be as much better as it could be worse. Well, comment away! Or not.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSeaside Suicide pt. 4dots
    -------------------------------------------


    While gasping my heart’s bleeding
    she stilled there flaunting, never fleeting.
    Crying-smiling, and far from kidding,
    she read my eyes as if a book:
    ”Dazed yet happy while sad,
    you feel cared for so not so bad.
    Also surprised, though just a tad
    since I can see beyond your look.”
    My heart belonged almost completely
    to this maiden named Brooke.

    Although her eyes had all the seeming
    of an angel’s that is dreaming,
    she had me hoping, nearly kneeling,
    hoping to never cross her flaw.
    Then and there as if hallowed
    happiness, my soul swallowed.
    I, fulfilled with passion, startled:
    To her perfection stood in awe.




    Submitted on 2004-11-19 22:04:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
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    ||| Comments |||
      I actually think it's pretty good. Her speech in the first stanza doesn't sound like something anyone would actually say, but since when have poets cared for realism. I'd make it "Crying, smiling, and far from kidding" though. I'll come back to this when I'm in a better frame of mind.
    | Posted on 2004-11-21 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      You know, if you think it needs editing, then it does, but put it to sleep and drag it out in a few weeks or months and do it yourself, because no one, certainly not me, can really know all that's going through your mind. I felt a real Poe influence, in fact at the end of the last line I wanted to add,
    "Quoth the raven, nevermaw"
    Not poking fun or anything,
    take care,
    Dave
    | Posted on 2004-11-20 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      Perfect... you put so much into your writing.. thankyou for these poems.. they mean a lot.. and i'm glad you finally made a last line for it.. i was getting quite anxious over here. I cannot wait until your visit... I hope things are the way we want them to be. Wonderful piece.. I'm quite touched... especially that you referred to me as a maiden.. i found that amusing for some odd reason.. I shall talk to you later:)
    Brooke
    | Posted on 2004-11-19 00:00:00 | by melancholystar | [ Reply to This ]
      well, i still don't like to word bad or book used, because the ryme gets lost from book to the time you sy brooke. and bad as i said is kinda undiscriptive, and stilled? did you mean stood? or stilled? but other than that i still like it .
    ~Shaodw
    | Posted on 2004-11-19 00:00:00 | by Moonshadow | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Bruno
    Read this the night we talked online and told you how much I liked it but didn't get a chance to comment on this wonderful piece (one of many) And you ryhmed with such a smooth flow. I liked the emotion in this. I can't wait to read more. TTYL
    | Posted on 2004-11-27 00:00:00 | by Emmalee | [ Reply to This ]
      i really like your writings they show so many sad emotions "Dazed yet happy while sad," seems to describe you well. i really like how you keep adding more parts to your seaside suicide, it's very unique and i like it, that's all. thanks for your comments btw.
    | Posted on 2004-11-26 00:00:00 | by kc | [ Reply to This ]



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