Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Jasperdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 134
    Class/Type: Prose/Misc
    Total Views: 766
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 728



    Description:
       This was pretty different when I wrote the first draft. I made it into a prose poem. Let me know what you think of this, please.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsJasperdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I had a friend with brown eyes full of the blues. He bore his burdens complaining all of the way. Everyone called him jackass like it was his name, but that was really Jasper. He got his revenge. He'd curse his throat sore, planning mutinies every day, and he'd tell his companion, a small, plain boy, how he'd get himself stuck in the mud when the boy's father worked him too hard. Jasper laughed and said "He pulls me free, and I go eat oats while he finishes the job." They both laughed. "It's like those headaches your mother gets." With that, the boy saw his father was the real fool. He grew up wise, knowing that the true masters often masquerade as servants.




    Submitted on 2004-11-20 03:02:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Good job. short and sweet. even though to me it seems that its kinda of a pointless write. I didnt like the structure should have been broken up. Even though i didnt like it doesnt mean that its not any good because im not a pro by far. but i always like it when someone writes, so happy holidays

    dylanpoe
    | Posted on 2004-12-11 00:00:00 | by dylanpoe | [ Reply to This ]
      I love when children take bits of what they see (or hear) and file them away as knowledge about how not to be in the future.
    The last line is my favorite; another brilliant way of saying you can't judge a book by its cover.
    Very cleverly written, how wise Jasper is and how much he sees and knows. And bearing all the load and doing all the work, until he (tricks?) the father into doing it.
    I don't think it needs any work. To add to it would be to take away from it.
    | Posted on 2004-12-10 00:00:00 | by ber | [ Reply to This ]
      wouldn't categorize this as a prose poem but as a little story, a really good little story. the frist line is great, and the title is a chatchy (did I spell this right??). and you also have a litle moral at the end. I like that very much.
    | Posted on 2004-11-22 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      "He grew up wise, knowing that the true masters often masquerade as servants."

    So true. This is very interesting. It's kind of a relief toward the end that the boy who had been degraded all his life finally seen that he was a true gift. A gift of life. He wasn't a jacka ss as everyone claimed - and he's the one that saw it. That was funny about the mother getting headaches. LoL I really like the fact that you used his name. It was like you wanted everyone not to forget he was a human being, not a jacka ss. Very good write. It has a lot of open doors to interpert but it has the same meaning in the end. :)
    -blt
    | Posted on 2004-11-20 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      i love the line "brown eyes full of the blues." and i love that the boy and the donkey communicate with each other. this is a sweet little story that you could probably expand into a short story, if'n you wanted to! it's great just the way it is, though. it did make me think of the Sarton book Joanna and Ulysses. sweet little book. i'll see if i can find it for you. i'm glad you posted this, Amy!
    | Posted on 2004-11-20 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Told along the lines of Aesop's fables, no?
    I like it, just the way you lay out the story so the reader doesn't catch on to who Jasper is too quickly. Oats did it for me. A talking jackass, that would be like on the Aesop's fables of Rocky & Bullwinkle fame I believe!
    Pretty neat.
    Dave
    | Posted on 2004-11-20 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      At this hour, I'm not sure what to think of it, other than it has a subtle sadness to it, then a feeling of vindication at the end. The title is hilarious at first glance, almost seems like a play on words that is intended to mean boyfriends ass in some kind of inverted irony. After considering the piece, I understand the title more and its not so funny. Sad really. Overall, more might be interesting, but again, you've managed to say a lot with few words. Obviously, "the headaches your mother gets" has significance or you wouldn't have put it in there, so I'll have to review this when my head is less cloudy and my vision more keen. I'm tired of simply raving over everything you write...soon you'll lose respect for my opinion if it continues, so I'll promise to come back to this when I can dig really hard for something I can constructively comment on. Even still, I leave it with a heavy feeling in my heart and I'm not sure at all why, or if that was even the intention.
    | Posted on 2004-11-20 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      i think prose poem and fleshing it out a lil would be awesome! i love this... its like the skeleton of what it could be...
    brown eyes full of the blues... i love it! i fully love it! i love how you tell this... how everything seems to contradict everything and yet it all makes sense... do ya know what i mean?
    and then the end... its kinda like a moral... trus masters are often servants... ooo...
    yeah im fully thinking you should attempt to prose poem this... its brilliant! lemme know if you do... please please please pretty please!
    | Posted on 2004-11-20 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I like "It's like those headaches your mother gets." This is who's zoomin' who in poetic plot. But Jasper is plotting and Dad is the plotee. Oooooh that was bad,
    but I won't aplogize. Wasn't it good to know he really wasn't playing the fool? You could make this into a prose piece. Alot of the contemporary poems I've read have been developed in a paragraph or two. "brown eyes full of blues" is cool too. The only thing I can see that you might change is in the last line.
    "Knowing that true masters
    often look like servants. "

    It's the only possible change I might suggest. Thanks for sharing, Hugs, nan
    | Posted on 2004-11-20 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    33576

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Live In Between written by teika5
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    The World written by jjd
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Dream written by closetpoet
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry