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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Coffee Cup Lustdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 87
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 763
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 697



    Description:
       ok so the first stanza I wrote last night at the
    Diner everything else I just wrote....I know it may seem a little disjuncted but my feeling is that for what the piece is and the thought structure behind it it needs to be as it is, though I do welcome any and all opinions.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCoffee Cup Lustdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Another friday night
    at the diner again
    the cups half empty
    somehow always left

    Wanting more
    Coffee
    Sugar
    Sex
    Cigarrettes

    But one person
    can't keep that bed warm
    just enough heat
    for one stool

    Oh I miss
    her coffee colored breasts
    those sugar sweet lips
    her quiet moans during sex
    and how she made love to a cigarrette

    And it's another friday night
    Waiting out dawn
    that bed's half empty
    And I'm always left......



    wanting more




    Submitted on 2004-11-20 12:28:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      again, love this! can totally see you sitting there all alone, missing this object of your affection, your desire. waking in the morning reaching for that comfort, and finding this empty cold pillow. i could go on and on, but i'll stop now. gotta go read some more***
    | Posted on 2004-12-20 00:00:00 | by _winky_ | [ Reply to This ]
      well after everthing everyone else has said, i'll just say you did a wonderful job telling this story! i believe you have a real hit here.
    | Posted on 2004-12-18 00:00:00 | by MMISS | [ Reply to This ]
      how she made love to a cigarrette. Good one. I was captured by this write. I read a few others that you have but this one made me pause. I like the longing in it. The beds hafl empty and I always left...wanting more. The reality of the craving is almost tangible. I could take some lessons from you...Thank you for this write.
    Peace...
    | Posted on 2005-03-01 00:00:00 | by smalltown | [ Reply to This ]
      ooohhh...yummy!
    Well...hmmm, ok
    First love the diner, always give that feel of being alone yet not...filled with faces and forgotten places we all know so well.
    Then the longing...simply a fav of my twisted heart ;)
    Reminded me of girlinphoto this one...not sure why...but it did...so makes me like it even more!
    Yeay once again John...YEAY

    Yep...classic,
    Kelly
    | Posted on 2004-11-24 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]
      is it bad to say this was sexy and turned me on
    ok maybe it didnt
    the girl sounds amazing
    and the imagry is awesome
    this is one of my favs ever <3
    can we go to the diner when im home?
    | Posted on 2004-11-22 00:00:00 | by scorpio sphinx | [ Reply to This ]
      Despite my personal distaste for the cigarette imagery at this point, I have to say this was an extremely well-put-together piece. This one definitely gets filed with the few poems you write that I'm forced to go, "damn. That was superb." Bravo.
    | Posted on 2004-11-22 00:00:00 | by Ontlogicalamity | [ Reply to This ]
      This one seems different than other your poems I've red but it's still great.
    First, I liked the title very much, it's kind of sweet.
    You managed to express loneliness and longing, and it seems somehow quiet and peaceful (this probably doesn't make sense to you at all).
    "and how she made love to a cigarrette"- loved this line. I quit smoking few months ago and sometimes I need a cigarette. It wasn't just an ugly habit, fot me it was much more.
    Anyway, beautiful poem.
    | Posted on 2004-11-21 00:00:00 | by Poly Jean | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this a lot. I don't partake of cigarettes or coffee, but thid worked well. I like how the diner reminds you of her. The only thing is that you need to make your ellipsis into a 3-dot ellipsis.
    | Posted on 2004-11-21 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      damn boy this is wonderful john...the loneliness and the yearning for her...i love the cup is half empty line...it can be read two diffrent ways...then the second stanza stating you want more of coffee sex sugar and cigarettes...then the third stana telling us your alone...no longer with this person...the second stanza a memory a person you still yearn for...and then the fourth stanza to me is awesome...how it explains the mystery of the second...were no longer wondering excactly...why you miss these things...my favorites being the coffee breast line and the line about her making love to her cigarette...this stanza is wonderful...then the very last stanza...realizing your alone ...this person isn't there ...you still have to sleep alone...another friday night ...day dreaming waiting yearning for someone...i love this so much...its defently going to my favs list...ange
    | Posted on 2004-11-20 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      I laughed when I read the line;

    "and how she made love to a cigarette,"

    I have a friend who completely gets off on woman who smoke. He told me, "It's like a well planned out dance." I think he is crazy. LOL I loved the poem!
    *Amanda*
    | Posted on 2004-11-20 00:00:00 | by fortressofwords | [ Reply to This ]
      I love how you got off on her smoking a cigarette. What was growing through your mind when she smoked. You could sell that concept to the fag ad company lol. The loneliness poured out at me. Well written in good tone...wonderful
    | Posted on 2004-11-20 00:00:00 | by elephantasia | [ Reply to This ]
      this piece is fantastic! u have a way with creating sneaky imagery. many can relate to u sitting at the diner, thinking, like all humans do, and it's as if you're thoughts are just plain as day. the coffee cup is half empty...you are half empty...wanting more, wanting to be full again. excellent write, created a clear and lusting picture!
    | Posted on 2004-11-20 00:00:00 | by Tinasha | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey there. Wow. I am adoring this. Very well written. This is one of the best written poems I've seen on here in a while. I don't see anything wrong with the flow of this, of course I tend to think in a sort of disjointed kind of way. (Blame it on the ADHD ha) Anyhoo...I loved it. I wouldn't change a thing. XOXO
    | Posted on 2004-11-20 00:00:00 | by Juliets_dagger | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting...it's actually close to what I expected because of the title. I can't say that I really liked it, but at the same time I can't say that I don't like it. I think I will read more of your stuff, it's original, insightful, and makes a person think a little.
    | Posted on 2004-11-20 00:00:00 | by AngelOutlaw | [ Reply to This ]
      i immediately chose to read this because im such a coffee junkie...but i was unexpectedly misled by your title...and i like it. the first stanza seems innocent enough but as you read on you realise that the poet craves a different kind of fix. i liked the dual symbolism of 'just enough heat for one stool,' relating to both the setting and the poet's thoughts. i like what you did with the 4th stanza in relation to the 2nd, i thought that was subtle and original. It was short and with its own flavour (though the complete lack of punctuation unconsciously irritated me a bit) but it was satisfying, much like a short espresso. you captured a sense of solitude and craving nicely.
    | Posted on 2004-11-20 00:00:00 | by infernal_rose | [ Reply to This ]
      heh heh...this is sad and lonely sap-Kerouac style, so i have to say i like it...i am not laughing at ya, now worries!

    its wonderful, esp. the image of the girls' skin beign coffee-colored...no one writes about inter-race stuff and has balls enough by mentioning skin...its so...naked and captivating and people are scared of it...what the hell, you went for it, and well done indeed. i love it!
    ~april
    | Posted on 2004-12-01 00:00:00 | by leper messiah | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice write, liked the flow of the poem and of course
    " how she made love to a cigarrette" like everybody else.
    thought it went together really nice.
    dont really got more than that to write...

    one...
    | Posted on 2005-03-07 00:00:00 | by elohimswork | [ Reply to This ]
      just enough heat for one stool...
    that line killed me and i quite dont know why.
    im not understanding why ive not read this before but anyways...

    i really like the way this has the potential to double back on itself... like how in a piece of written music how theres the repeat part... so you go back to the coda or something (theory was never my strong point... i just play by ear...) its like the last line... wanting more... almost BEGS! to go back up to the second stanza

    Wanting more
    Coffee
    Sugar
    Sex
    Cigarrettes

    and it could almost keep repeating over and over like a scratched record perhaps... but not in a repetitive annoying way but more of a youve quite forgotten your still talking/thinking about it... do you follow me at all...?

    anyways... yeah... another great write! i very like it!
    | Posted on 2005-01-12 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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