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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Outcastdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ladiesplanet1
    ASL Info:    23.cali baby
    Elite Ratio:    3.58 - 720/463/165
    Words: 148
    Class/Type: Misc/The pain inside
    Total Views: 821
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1002



    Description:
       i don't really know what i'm looking for in feedback, just tell me what you think.
    thanks


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOutcastdots
    -------------------------------------------


    don't make me kill you,
    'cause i know that i can.
    i really can be tough,
    even though i'm not a man.
    "why would she do this?"
    you keep asking yourself.
    "do you think she's really,
    "a hazard to my health?"
    "christina please forgive me!"
    you say right out loud.
    "its fine, its okay,"
    i reply with a frown.
    why do i continue,
    to be a sucker in this game?
    even though i know,
    that i'm an out cast, i'm the shame.
    everywhere i go
    i'm annoying, i'm displeasing.
    even though i cry i know,
    that the pain is just not easing.
    they continue to hurt me,
    and i continue to forgive.
    all that i want
    is a normal life to live.
    and while they call me names,
    such as loser, freak, and geek,
    i begin to beleive,
    all the cruel things they think.




    Submitted on 2004-11-20 15:46:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      don't make me kill you,
    'cause i know that i can.

    This shows so much pain and it capture's the reader's interest immediately
    "christina please forgive me!"
    you say right out loud.
    "its fine, its okay,"
    i reply with a frown.
    why do i continue,
    to be a sucker in this game?

    Quite a statement here. makes me ask myself the same questions, you hit home on this one

    even though i know,
    that i'm an out cast, i'm the shame.
    everywhere i go
    i'm annoying, i'm displeasing.
    even though i cry i know,
    that the pain is just not easing.

    This parallels my life. again a good descriptive piece

    they continue to hurt me,
    and i continue to forgive.
    all that i want
    is a normal life to live.
    and while they call me names,
    such as loser, freak, and geek,
    i begin to beleive,
    all the cruel things they think.

    Such as statement to what cruelty can do mentally. Bravo You have written a wonderful poem, keep it up.
    | Posted on 2005-02-24 00:00:00 | by Crackwalker | [ Reply to This ]
      this sounds like the majority of youg women and men before and after failed relationships go astray. the intro "don't make me kill you,
    'cause i know that i can.", keeps the reader totally intriqued on whats to come. it flows reasonably well for its entirety and sounds like its a free style poem from the top of the dome.
    "all that i want is a normal life to live.
    and while they call me names, such as loser, freak, and geek, i begin to beleive,
    all the cruel things they think." now let me tell you this most of the women i met after highschool that endured the same came out far better ( more interestin) than the ones doin all the talkin. all in all its a nice piece with a ruff delivery that comes out more on the top then the bottom.

    one..
    | Posted on 2004-11-20 00:00:00 | by elohimswork | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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