Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Outcastdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ladiesplanet1
    ASL Info:    23.cali baby
    Elite Ratio:    3.58 - 720/463/165
    Words: 148
    Class/Type: Misc/The pain inside
    Total Views: 847
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1002



    Description:
       i don't really know what i'm looking for in feedback, just tell me what you think.
    thanks


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOutcastdots
    -------------------------------------------


    don't make me kill you,
    'cause i know that i can.
    i really can be tough,
    even though i'm not a man.
    "why would she do this?"
    you keep asking yourself.
    "do you think she's really,
    "a hazard to my health?"
    "christina please forgive me!"
    you say right out loud.
    "its fine, its okay,"
    i reply with a frown.
    why do i continue,
    to be a sucker in this game?
    even though i know,
    that i'm an out cast, i'm the shame.
    everywhere i go
    i'm annoying, i'm displeasing.
    even though i cry i know,
    that the pain is just not easing.
    they continue to hurt me,
    and i continue to forgive.
    all that i want
    is a normal life to live.
    and while they call me names,
    such as loser, freak, and geek,
    i begin to beleive,
    all the cruel things they think.




    Submitted on 2004-11-20 15:46:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      don't make me kill you,
    'cause i know that i can.

    This shows so much pain and it capture's the reader's interest immediately
    "christina please forgive me!"
    you say right out loud.
    "its fine, its okay,"
    i reply with a frown.
    why do i continue,
    to be a sucker in this game?

    Quite a statement here. makes me ask myself the same questions, you hit home on this one

    even though i know,
    that i'm an out cast, i'm the shame.
    everywhere i go
    i'm annoying, i'm displeasing.
    even though i cry i know,
    that the pain is just not easing.

    This parallels my life. again a good descriptive piece

    they continue to hurt me,
    and i continue to forgive.
    all that i want
    is a normal life to live.
    and while they call me names,
    such as loser, freak, and geek,
    i begin to beleive,
    all the cruel things they think.

    Such as statement to what cruelty can do mentally. Bravo You have written a wonderful poem, keep it up.
    | Posted on 2005-02-24 00:00:00 | by Crackwalker | [ Reply to This ]
      this sounds like the majority of youg women and men before and after failed relationships go astray. the intro "don't make me kill you,
    'cause i know that i can.", keeps the reader totally intriqued on whats to come. it flows reasonably well for its entirety and sounds like its a free style poem from the top of the dome.
    "all that i want is a normal life to live.
    and while they call me names, such as loser, freak, and geek, i begin to beleive,
    all the cruel things they think." now let me tell you this most of the women i met after highschool that endured the same came out far better ( more interestin) than the ones doin all the talkin. all in all its a nice piece with a ruff delivery that comes out more on the top then the bottom.

    one..
    | Posted on 2004-11-20 00:00:00 | by elohimswork | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    33640

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Love written by saartha
    prison written by ShyOne
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Cover written by saartha
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Records I written by Raphael
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Carry written by saartha
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry