Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Shaking Beddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1069
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 628



    Description:
       Magnicat was right. I did work the hats on my bedposts into a poem. I'm this tired, really. I don't think I've ever been this sleepy. I wish I could will myself into a temporary coma sometimes.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Shaking Beddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Even the dirt, sweat, and oil upon my flesh oppress me.
    My bones are like pipe cleaners;
    I walk like I'm dragging chains.
    Tiny Christmas lights pierce my pupils;
    I hear the ashes fall from your cigarette
    as loudly as an avalanche.
    I droop into bed
    at the pitiful nexus
    of open and closed-eyed dreams,
    my heart racing,
    shaking the hats atop the bedposts.
    I'll stay with my mind in fifth gear
    until I burst into a paroxysm of slumber
    or get up and dust my bookshelves
    until the next day
    bludgeons my battered mind.




    Submitted on 2004-11-21 09:56:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Since your comment type is unspecified, I'm going to bash this; I only bash the ones I like.
    "I walk like I'm dragging chains" isn't the clearest image of how one would walk and it's so Charles Dickons.
    "I hear the ashes fall from your cigarette" Brilliant, but I think ash would read better.
    "As loudly as an avalanche" the avalanche of sound is a bit tired image despite the assonance. I just looked that one up, I figure I applied to me because i'm an ass.

    Tiny Christmas lights pierce my pupils I love the illiteration and metaphor. Piercing is so perfect.
    I droop into bed" almost comical
    Of open and closed-eyed dreams" clever
    Shaking the hats atop the bedposts" clear image
    I'll stay with my mind in fifth gear. Gear= cog as in cognition a bit tired image, but still clever

    Even the dirt, sweat, and oil upon my flesh oppress me
    My bones are like pipe cleaners
    I loved these lines most of all. bone like pipe cleaners is perhaps on of the most original similies I've read on this sight. Bravo.
    So yeah I love this. peace
    | Posted on 2004-12-07 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
      I wish I could lend you some of my 'sleeping power'... I literally sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow and it doesn't matter how many times I am disturbed throughout the night... I go right back to sleep. I feel very fortunate... just reading your poem made my eyes water... can't imagine what it must feel like. As usual, brilliant writing!
    | Posted on 2004-11-22 00:00:00 | by Beulah | [ Reply to This ]
      what really sucks is when you know you have to sleep early for tomorrow's agendas but no matter how you squirm... doesn't really help... and if you stay still... everything get's irritating (matt murdock syndrome) to the point that you'd want to smother yourself.

    good job
    | Posted on 2004-11-22 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      you've got really good images here. "I hear the ashes fall from your cigarette" is already enough, but you top it with "As loudly as an avalanche". well done. and I like the hats on the bedposts. but it sounds so depressing and desperate. hope you can sleep by now. good night.
    | Posted on 2004-11-22 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, I hope you're sleeping right now. My first concern is for you health because this is so eerily true to life. "mind in fifth gear" reminds of my own insomnia, reading this makes me hungry for sleep. I love the images in this, "hear cigarette ashes fall like an avalanche", "open and closed eye dreams", "until the next day bludgeons my battered mind". Actually everything here is great poetically, but I have mixed feelings because it's you who's suffering. Hugs, nan
    | Posted on 2004-11-22 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm going through it so badly right now. I never sleep much, but it's worse than ever lately. "My legs are like pipecleaners" Does this describe the weak feeling in your legs when you're suffering from gross sleep deprivation or is it a metaphor for something I'm missing? This line intrigues me. I literally feel it in my legs when it gets this bad.

    I droop into bed/At the pitiful nexus/Of open and closed-eyed dreams is so relevant to me,except that I rarely actually make it to bed. That is too much of a commitment to me. The couch will have to do. But those open and close-eyed dreams are killer, never quite knowing if it's dreaming or imagining, if you've slept or not. Great work again.

    I was just about to try and lay down and had to check and see if you had posted anything. So weird that it turns out to be something I can relate to so strongly.
    | Posted on 2004-11-21 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      awsome! I've experianced insomnia in my past and this seems to describe the feelings of hopless fatuige perfectly. I love your descriptions 'bones are like pipe cleaners
    I walk like I'm dragging chainsI'll stay with my mind in fifth gear
    Until I burst into a paroxysm of slumber
    Or get up and dust my bookshelves'

    It's old feelings expressed in new ways, and what more should poetry be? thank you for sharing
    | Posted on 2004-11-21 00:00:00 | by cainboy | [ Reply to This ]
      If this was by anyone else, I'd think it merely genius; every line is wonderful. As it's by you, it also hurts that I can't help. One of your best. @;{-
    | Posted on 2004-11-21 00:00:00 | by buttsee | [ Reply to This ]
      i meant to say i can HEAR your craziness here... i'm still not quite awake this morning, so you'll have to excuse me! now i have to write until this damn thing'll let me go!
    | Posted on 2004-11-21 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      i could your craziness here for lack of sleep. i have been there before. when you spoke of your mind in fifth gear until you burst into a paroxysm of slumber, i thought of the scenes in Back to the Future when he takes the car up to 80+ per hour and then blasts into the future! i hope that you can get some sleep. sounds like you are being tormented by a sleepless demon! get behind thee!
    | Posted on 2004-11-21 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey there. Ah the joyous writings of the sleep deprived. I've been there. Too many times I must say.

    The poem was good as always.

    Much love to ya.
    | Posted on 2004-11-21 00:00:00 | by Juliets_dagger | [ Reply to This ]
      is this poem about not getting enough sleep that:

    "[you] walk like [you're] dragging chains,
    Tiny Christmas lights pierce my pupils" , and

    "[you] hear the ashes fall from [someone's] cigarette
    As loudly as an avalanche" and so on...? Because if it is, well... as the other reviewers here say it has that 'depressing' tone to it... and it sets the mood... so it was very relatable
    | Posted on 2004-11-21 00:00:00 | by MzJae | [ Reply to This ]
      yeah i think i'm agreeing with learah...this piece sounds rather depressing...sounds like you gave up on being happy...so your excepting the everyday gloom...but i like the lines in this write they are quite orignal ...and cuddle creative...and i really like the thought of the cigarette ash making noise as it drops...and the line of the open and closed eyed dreams...thats awesome...purp
    | Posted on 2004-11-21 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh gods that is so depressing. That is like someone picked up wednesday addams and squeezed poetry out of her. I got my first real taste of the gloom in this with
    "I walk like I'm dragging chains
    Tiny Christmas lights pierce my pupils".
    You sound like a zombie. And the hole poem has a really grey, heavy tone and it is depressing as hell.
    "Or get up and dust my bookshelves
    Until the next day
    Bludgeons my battered mind" Bloody hell, like that's no life for anyone. It sounds like a wraith. Cheer up... that might never happen.
    Lea
    | Posted on 2004-11-21 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]
      everyone seems so depressed by this poem! i rather like it...oh god am i depressed? oh hang on, wait a minute, if i really was i'd be writing poetry for the 'depressed' section. fortunately i haven't stooped that low yet, and neither did you with this one. i really like what you do! ellisa :) x
    | Posted on 2004-11-28 00:00:00 | by ellisa | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    33745

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Carry written by saartha
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Love written by saartha
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry