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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Apathetic Ambitiondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: srcastic1
    ASL Info:    18/F/IA
    Elite Ratio:    6.29 - 96/97/28
    Words: 17
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 878
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 127



    Description:
       Another poetry assignment: a cinquin describing something using 1 five syllable word. If you don't know, a cinquin has this syllabic structure (2, 4, 6, 8, 2) sort of like a haiku, but more to it. Ironically, I waited until the very last minute to complete this and chose to write about how I couldn't come up with any ideas to write.


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    dotsApathetic Ambitiondots
    -------------------------------------------


    Seated.
    Stuck in neutral
    Thought in an even more
    Indifferent place; Creativity lost
    To me.




    Submitted on 2004-11-21 12:45:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Very nice- these poetry assignments are pretty kewl really- using actual structure and all- you do it very well!
    Peace, love and stuff
    ~Six-
    | Posted on 2004-11-22 00:00:00 | by Six_Grey | [ Reply to This ]
      so a poem with pre-set structure. challenging. ok, so not being able to write is ironically a common topic to write on it seems. well i don't know anything about cinquin, so i'll comment on it's poetic merits instead of is it a good cinquin or not. i liked the two beggining lines, they convey the thougt very well, but the "thought in an even more indifferent place" just doesn't seem to work. i can't envision metaphorically 'thought' in a place especially after the opening line describing actual physical settings. it seems to jump to another similar idea halfway through. the end about creativity lost to me is good, but not very impactful in my opinion. so it has its good points and its bad, like i said i know nothing of this cinquin of which you speak. so there's my advice/ comments take it as you will.
    | Posted on 2004-11-21 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      Ha ha ha...kids make me laugh. "Make it longer" Poo. Its a cinquain, its only supposed to be five lines i.e its going to be short.

    Anyhoo...this wasn't bad. I myself have never written a cinquain. I haven't been struck with the desire to do so yet.

    The third and fourth lines are a little bit uncertain. I'm not sure that they add strength to the poem.

    Just to help you a bit maybe you could try something such as this:

    Seated.
    Stuck in neutral.
    My thoughts incoherant.
    Empty thoughts, creativity lost
    to me.

    Thats just a suggestion though, you don't have to take it into consideration.

    Oh something else I did notice...I think in line four you had way too many syllables. "Indifferent" is four syllables, "place" is one, "creativity" is five, and "lost" is one. This gives you 11 syllables and you said you needed eight.

    I hope I helped dear. Much love to ya.
    | Posted on 2004-11-21 00:00:00 | by Juliets_dagger | [ Reply to This ]
      hmmm, an interesting write, but for poetry, too short. I think its a good beginning to a poem, you just have to finish it. I like the imagery you projected so far, paints a nice picture, and also the simplicity and meaning...but, like I said, you gotta add some more to the write, and Im sure it would be a good poem, when finished, anyways, keep writing!, take care
    | Posted on 2004-11-21 00:00:00 | by matt73 | [ Reply to This ]


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