No one is there
I’m all alone
No longer do I have someone to lean on
The emptiness I feel has finally shown
And the happiness I felt is gone
No more will I smile, no more will I laugh
I thought I could get away from that empty place
But instead I had my life ripped in half
And am forever stuck in an empty space.
Hidden from pain
Lying to myself, saying I could do it
Trying so hard; it almost made me feel sane
I started to love, started to trust
Felt the simple joys I did without all that time
Leaving my misery in the dust
And finally my life was once again mine.
But things change and now I’m alone
Never to feel what I felt
The emptiness has yet again shown
I’ll just play with the hand, faith has dealt
Never to smile, never to laugh, because now I’m all alone.
| I think it went over quite well with me. You have the potential to make your work something great but I think that the rhyme scheme is going to make it seem a little stuffy. Try experimenting with more free verse instead of traditional rhyme, just to get a taste of a different perspective. The point of view you write from can always expand and grow so long as you mold your talents and try new things as a writer. You have to stick your neck out sometimes to get what you really want, and I think that once you do you can really start to turn some heads. -Kenji||| Posted on 2004-12-24 00:00:00 | by Kenji Light | [ Reply to This ] || aside from some grammatical errors, this is a relatively good piece. i like that you break free from traditional rhyming schemes, but some of your thoughts are confusing because you tend to jump around a lot. good idea for a poem; mine are very much like this. also, i think you should change the ending - make it more mysterious. generate some curiousity in your readers. just broaden the idea, and i think it will help to better your poem. keep up the writing!||| Posted on 2004-11-22 00:00:00 | by dark_and_dreary | [ Reply to This ] || come on. please tell me what you think of it. any ideas on how to make it better? hell i don't care if you bash it. at least that way i know what people think of it. :D lol.|
|| Posted on 2004-11-21 00:00:00 | by Akai_Ame | [ Reply to This ] |