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No one is there

Author: Akai_Ame
Elite Ratio:    4.78 - 223 /181 /46
Words: 159
Class/Type: Poetry /Depressed
Total Views: 1145
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 933


Just something i thought up. tell me what you think of it. trash it or talk it up. you choice. just tell me what you think of it.

No one is there

No one is there

I’m all alone
No longer do I have someone to lean on
The emptiness I feel has finally shown
And the happiness I felt is gone
No more will I smile, no more will I laugh
I thought I could get away from that empty place
But instead I had my life ripped in half
And am forever stuck in an empty space.
Hidden from pain
Lying to myself, saying I could do it
Trying so hard; it almost made me feel sane
I started to love, started to trust
Felt the simple joys I did without all that time
Leaving my misery in the dust
And finally my life was once again mine.
But things change and now I’m alone
Never to feel what I felt
The emptiness has yet again shown
I’ll just play with the hand, faith has dealt
Never to smile, never to laugh, because now I’m all alone.

Submitted on 2004-11-21 16:13:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  I think it went over quite well with me. You have the potential to make your work something great but I think that the rhyme scheme is going to make it seem a little stuffy. Try experimenting with more free verse instead of traditional rhyme, just to get a taste of a different perspective. The point of view you write from can always expand and grow so long as you mold your talents and try new things as a writer. You have to stick your neck out sometimes to get what you really want, and I think that once you do you can really start to turn some heads. -Kenji
| Posted on 2004-12-24 00:00:00 | by Kenji Light | [ Reply to This ]
  aside from some grammatical errors, this is a relatively good piece. i like that you break free from traditional rhyming schemes, but some of your thoughts are confusing because you tend to jump around a lot. good idea for a poem; mine are very much like this. also, i think you should change the ending - make it more mysterious. generate some curiousity in your readers. just broaden the idea, and i think it will help to better your poem. keep up the writing!
| Posted on 2004-11-22 00:00:00 | by dark_and_dreary | [ Reply to This ]
  come on. please tell me what you think of it. any ideas on how to make it better? hell i don't care if you bash it. at least that way i know what people think of it. :D lol.

Ja ne
| Posted on 2004-11-21 00:00:00 | by Akai_Ame | [ Reply to This ]

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