The trancelike repetition does have an odd effect. It gives a creepiness to this write although Iím sure that wasnít what you were going for, I could be wrong though. But it could also be a meditative piece as well. Either way interesting and nice,
I like the repetition that you use, in many cases I find it can irritate the reader however with this piece it comes across differently - i would say you have succeeded in it being of a much more lyrical style. Nicely written piece, the rhythm flows and is enjoyable to read aloud and to oneself, and the imagery is strong and welcoming... nicely done, and thank you for sharing.
there is such an aggressive undertone in this poem which makes it more promising than it seems. that sense where you recieve freedom but with the price of more weight place inside is actually quite ironic. this piece says so much that deals with those internal conflicts influenced by outer forces.
This peice is full of intense emotion, very clearly expressed. Yes you're right, it is a bit songy. The repetitions at the end of each stanza/verse would prolly work better in a song than in poetry, but overall, this was quite enjoyable. Particularly these lines:
'promise me somthing you won't miss my tears i don't need them now'
These was quite a good piece. Thanx for your words. =Jimma=