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    dots Submission Name: Woman Inside the Girldots

    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 43
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1405
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 297

       I'm not sure about the title, so let me know what you think.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWoman Inside the Girldots

    The woman in the girl spoke to the child
    inside of the woman.
    In times of pain, their roles reversed:
    the mother breaking down
    like a battered pickup
    in the cold.
    Her head propped
    on the cinder blocks
    of her daughter's shoulder.

    Submitted on 2004-11-23 07:42:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      At first I thought it was one person as well, but then it became obvious later in the poem that is was mother and daughter. I'm thinking maybe the third line should read "Inside the woman" (omit 'of'), just to more appropriately reflect the first line.
    This poem beautifully portrays how a parent is not always strong and can depend on their children just as much as their children depend on them. The 'cinder blocks of her daughter's shoulder' suggest that she has had to be strong for mommy in (I'm guessing) the absence of dad. They are going it alone and depend on each other equally.
    Very well written.
    And I think the title is perfect, as it more appropriately represents the strength of the daughter, which seems to be the main focal point.
    | Posted on 2004-12-12 00:00:00 | by ber | [ Reply to This ]
      There is little to say that the comments above have not said. I love the image of the battered pickup line, but that may just be becuase I am from N. C. I think that the comfort we receive from our children cannot be expressed. Even when they do not realize that we are resting on them.
    | Posted on 2004-11-24 00:00:00 | by greensnake | [ Reply to This ]
      At first I thought to attempt one of those story problems that we always hated...until I told myself to calm down and read...slowly.and the child in me actually told the woman of me the entire story.

    Now I get it. And it is now that I think I needed this piece-because of my mother, myself, and our naivete collectively.

    Her head propped
    On the cinder blocks
    Of her daughter's shoulder

    If only she knew, but if she did, she wouldn't admit it anyway.

    Amy, yet again...

    you know what I will say-)
    | Posted on 2004-11-24 00:00:00 | by Stalking Sylvia | [ Reply to This ]
      Funny how we were on spiritual ideas and this comes up. I've known children who were much brighter and worldy than their parents. But you've said something timeless about relationships here, we hear what we need to however young or old makes no difference. And comparing mom to an pickup, well, if she's broke
    of course the child has wisdom. And cider block shoulders to cry on, that's great. Hugs, nan
    | Posted on 2004-11-23 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a wonderful description of human interaction and role reversal. Very well portrayed with a sensitivity that can only be achieved through having lived through something similar. I think all of us reverse roles at some point during our lifes. The title is perfect as is - I wouldn't change it.
    | Posted on 2004-11-23 00:00:00 | by Beulah | [ Reply to This ]
      I love it. You captured the relationship between a close mother and daughter, and you made this image of emotions and love. Phenomenal job, Amy.

    | Posted on 2004-11-23 00:00:00 | by emo-tastic | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very loopular (my own word). I find it very hard to make sense of.

    "The child inside of the woman" - is that a double-entendre?

    If this is a pregnant woman, how can she rest on the duaughter's shoulders?

    I'm just all mixed up on this one.
    | Posted on 2004-11-23 00:00:00 | by Black Rock Tractor | [ Reply to This ]
      My Mommy has had to be there a lot this past year with my Grandmother *her mom*. This poem reminded me of the love a daughter can give a mother when they are the ones in need. I like this part, "In the cold
    Her head propped
    On the cinder blocks
    Of her daughter's shoulder"
    I just hope I can be there for my Mom whenever she needs me. The title is fitting. I would leave it. Great job.
    | Posted on 2004-11-23 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      I had to read it a few times...but I get it...I think it gets a little confusing with the wording. It's not clear at the beginnning that there are two people involved...

    I love the pick up truck and cinder blocks part...I get confused with what tense you're using though.
    "For in times of pain
    Their roles reversed"...Perhaps...it could be
    "in that time of pain"...and
    "mother broke down"
    I wonder about "spoke"...it feels general for how few words you use in this...it might be more specific with "comforted" or "soothed".

    Another tremendous image comes to mind of one of those cartoon cars from Roger Rabbit with the eyes propped up by a daughter made of cinder blocks...It's a very moving image...overall good write, just needs a few word adjustments. Good!
    | Posted on 2004-11-23 00:00:00 | by marysunshine | [ Reply to This ]
      very interesting analogy of the mother like an old battered pick-up upon cinderblocks. quite unique, Amy! i love the rhythm of the first part. the way it reads really makes me feel that reversal thing you are talking about. it's hard to explain, but i think you'll know what i mean... perhaps a title like Role Reversal or something. i don't know. titles are hard somtimes. anyway, this is a very good analogy poem, and i like it very much! i've been there, too, with my mom.
    | Posted on 2004-11-23 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      at first you confused me a bit. girl, woman, woman, girl - what?? but I got it after reading carefully again. I really like your comparison to a batterred pick up. the title is good, an interesting title but I'm not sure if it fits so much to the poem. I expected something else. but I'm no help here as I don't have an alternative for you. sorry.
    | Posted on 2004-11-23 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      Maybe I'm getting this wrong, but it seems to me that the woman AND the girl are the same person. It is the woman losing the strength she normally displays, and reverting to the character of her inner child (helpless and scared in this case). It's like day nine of 4 or less hours of sleep, so maybe I'm losing it. If I'm right though, then the title makes sense, though I have a general rule that if the piece doesn't name itself I go with the opening line thus The Woman In the Girl would be my title (or The woman inside the girl would be my first line)...
    | Posted on 2004-11-23 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      I for all the above reasons liked your, the mother daughter reversal was nice. It reminded me of the poetry of judith wright and gwen harwood.
    | Posted on 2004-11-23 00:00:00 | by vvv | [ Reply to This ]

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