Slowly Killing Me by ashlee

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Submission Name: Slowly Killing Me dots

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Author:	ashlee_jane2003
ASL Info:	24-female-Indianapolis
Elite Ratio:	3.39 - 210/210/39
Words:	65

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	277
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	371

Description:
I'm not for sure how much I like the ending but tell me what you think.

Slowly Killing Me dots

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I am a body hollowed out.
In my mind there is only doubt.
Slowly killing me are the words you shout.

I am a girl coming undone.
In mind there is no fun.
Slowly killing me are the fights I never won.

I am a person losing grip.
In my mind reality slips.
Slowly killing me is my heart as it still rips.

Submitted on 2004-11-23 09:11:05 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  I really think that ur poem is good and i agree with what other people said about how the last stanza is weak. Add more powerful words to it or make it a little longer.
| Posted on 2004-11-23 00:00:00 | by grinninggashes | [ Reply to This ]
  I agree with Gadfly...the last stanza is weak, it could be stronger. Here is another suggestion:

"I am a person losing grip.
In my mind my thoughts just slip.
Slowly killing me, look at my heart being ripped"

Just a suggestion, use it if you want. I also agree that this poem does have a lot of emotion and inagry...good write but make the last stanza stronger...
| Posted on 2004-11-23 00:00:00 | by EnHakkore | [ Reply to This ]
  The last line definitely needs to be restructured somehow... "Slowly killing me...as my heart rips" or something similar to keep the meter of the piece...
Otherwise, I think this is very good...
| Posted on 2004-11-23 00:00:00 | by Emerging Soul | [ Reply to This ]
  I agree the last stanza is the weak link. My suggestion is losing the "s". Perhaps something like this:

"I am a person losing grip.
In my mind my thoughts just slip.
Slowly killing me, feel my heartbeat skip.

Please feel free to use it if it works for you.

I think this poem had a great deal of emotion and imagery.
| Posted on 2004-11-23 00:00:00 | by The Gadfly | [ Reply to This ]
  I am a person losing grip.
In my mind reality slips.
Slowly killing me is my heart as it still rips.

Those lines I think spoke to me the most. This year I have dealt with the loss of a lot of loved ones (This is just my take of the poem and what I got from it.) and at each funeral...I felt this. Like my heart was being ripped apart and right now its just shredded and I feel like it's slowly killing me. Good emotional write...makes me hurt...but in a good way. I think?
~BCute
| Posted on 2004-11-30 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]

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