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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: 4 amdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: deadndreaming
    Elite Ratio:    6.75 - 1360/1263/81
    Words: 106
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1203
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 893



    Description:
       This is the second draft of the piece I posted which was reworked from a prior draft that started out different than that one and...grrrr...can't concentrate...mmm, the smell of fresh coffee!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots4 amdots
    -------------------------------------------


         "I'll stay with my mind in fifth gear
          Until I burst into a paroxysm of slumber"
    Amy Cobb


    tick tock devoured
    you lie in the dark,
    sweat-soaked heavy
    with regret and dread,
    eyelids of porch pavement
    unable to rest, lest
    they snap back open
    like a shade pulled too tight.

    watch tv
    read
    drink warm milk
    pop a pill
    tried them all

    they leave you with a mess
    of new side effects
    and information indigestion
    to help distract your mind
    from the mad,
    belligerent fragments
    of logic reserved
    for unfound dreams




    Submitted on 2004-11-23 09:15:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is unlikely to be of any use at all.
    Unless you happen to find knowing that you have effectively both amazed and spooked me 'useful' :)

    The feeling of this was incredible..Just like that hazy, foggy post-sleeping-pill-knockout feeling...when everything tastes funny, including the words you speak...Really added to the atmosphere, and pushed the insomnia image further...

    Maybe this is 'relating through experience' - but every line, every word echoed in my head...just like my own thoughts do, when its stupid o'clock again, and every single noise is amplified to 'wall-shattering' level...

    A very carefully created claustrophobic feeling...when the room is shrinking, and every detail on the ceiling has been etched upon your memory...Is there a word for claustrophobia within one's mind? Or just a time? Just 4 am?

    "information indigestion" - haunting, familiar feeling...what a way to dress it in words, though....

    "O sleep, O gentle sleep, nature's soft nurse, how have I frighted thee, That thou no more wilt weigh my eye-lids down and steep my senses in forgetfulness?" - W. Shakespeare

    All the best,

    Katia

    | Posted on 2005-05-13 00:00:00 | by Katia | [ Reply to This ]
      Yeah this was aight. Sing-song quality to it, almost one long sentence to be rapidly read while on mescaline . . . tweaked to the point of impending SPUN.

    Just like that feeling of insomnia . . . that wretched feeling. You've captured it all here, with your little poem.

    It's groovy!
    | Posted on 2005-06-01 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      whooa really liked that...my favorite use of illiteration was [[information indigestion]]. i also really liked the line [[belligerent fragments]]. i thought this was very good, because it is one of the few poems ive read that evoked real emotions in me. nice job, i cant find anything to change :)
    sophie
    | Posted on 2005-02-14 00:00:00 | by sudie | [ Reply to This ]
      eyelids of porch pavement
    unable to rest, lest
    they snap back open
    like a shade pulled too tight.

    i just loved these lines! so descriptive and right on. lid so heavy with sleep yet you can't close them. if you do, they snap right open again with some insane thought running through your exhausted mind.

    they leave you with a mess
    of new side effects

    damn! it's like no matter what you try, it seems to make it worse. then you're just a mess!

    great insomniac piece! now get some rest...
    | Posted on 2005-01-26 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Whats shakin deadonedreaming- I thought I d read the last one on your page before you posted another, so I could start getting used to your style. I like this one , the only thing I found a little eh was the "mad" line. As I read it I actually stopped, Thats not what you want readers to do , at kleast to my knowledge, Anyway just a sugestion and BTW I am now a fan, so pick up the pace dude ~L.t
    | Posted on 2005-02-18 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm with ya! It's damn near 4 am now, and here i sit doing this. The "Gods" must be crazy. At any rate this looks like it is damn near complete, it has evolved, and the only hangup I have is the word "devoured". Go with your gut, but I think "obsessed" conveys the clock-watching insomniac to a tee. Otherwise I think this is terrific. Good work>

    Phil
    | Posted on 2004-11-24 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      "belligerent fragments
    of logic reserved
    for unfound dreams"
    Yeah, I like this better. This line rocks...! I miss the image of being consumed...however it is probably not needed to say what you are saying.

    This is tighter...I like the tick tock...says the same as "times like this"...but in a more creative way. It REALLY changes the poem to add "drunk"...it gives the insomnia a reason...I'm not sure if this is intended...but I get the idea of laying in bed with the spins. I think the sentiment is a little weakened by it...only because not being able to sleep peacfully due to alcohol is a lot different than the demons that keep you awake...ya know?

    Overall, I do like it better...Its got a lot more power since your words feel more "chosen"...I'd rethink the "drunk" part...it just changes the feel...
    Good! I really love the images still...very clear.
    | Posted on 2004-11-23 00:00:00 | by marysunshine | [ Reply to This ]
      It's good, but it still feels like something is missing. Great imaginary in both stanzas though and a nice breaking point in the middle. If you would improve the flow further this would be a great write I think, or maybe it's just my headache intefering with my judgement. Anyways, this is an interesting poem on insomnia, keep it up.
    | Posted on 2004-11-23 00:00:00 | by Lostinbeer | [ Reply to This ]
      guess i'm not the only insomniac 'round here! i especially liked these lines:

    they leave you with a mess
    of new side-effects
    and information indigestion
    to help distract your mind
    from the mad,
    belligerent fragments
    of logic reserved
    for unfound dreams

    hell, i've tried it all, and nothing really works, does it? well, maybe the pill (if it's valium...) works, but then i have a pill hangover the next day... yuck. great poem!
    | Posted on 2004-11-27 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      this is nice. it shows that helplessness in us all. that lazy, relentlessly unsatisfying feeling. sometimes life just doesn't seem to be fulfilling, probably because we're so caught up in feeling helpless and we don't do anything about it...like for example...call the person we keep thinking about. psht, thats never gonna happen...THEY have to call us. lol. maybe it's just me. sorry for blabbering.
    | Posted on 2004-11-27 00:00:00 | by graffitijeans | [ Reply to This ]
      In som nia. I went three months without sleeping once; started dreaming while awake. This piece reminded me alittle of Ginsburg in the way the lines rushed from on thought to the next in a delirious fashion. On the otherhand this made far more sense than most of his work and The spped of it made me feel as if the secondhand forced the rhythm. I love it. In this the ending fits. peace
    | Posted on 2004-11-30 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
      Cleaned up nicely. I see you figured out how to indent here, but you'll have to tell me how you got the italics. I don't know that one.
    Yes, you edited out the superflous and it sounds dreadfully wearisome now, which is exactly what it is supposed to sound like, so well done.
    Dave
    | Posted on 2004-12-02 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      Didn't know about your 4 a.m., but now I've read it and it's very cool. In my poem I was thinking 4 a.m. is a good place to be -- not something inflicted upon the unwilling. But in truth, I've spent more time in your 4 a.m than in mine. Yeah, I'd like to get some sleep.
    | Posted on 2004-12-29 00:00:00 | by bent | [ Reply to This ]
      I know all about this (but you knew that already). I decided to check this out since I didn't officially comment on this draft. "Sweat-soaked heavy/with regret and dread" is really vivid. I sometimes feel like I've gained ten pounds from a layer of sweat. Emotions reel at night too, so the "regret and dread" is good too. I really love the idea of "eyelids of porch pavement." That's very apt. Sleepy eyes do feel painfully red like they've embraced porch pavement. I don't think you need the hyphen after open (It would be a dash if you did). I do, however, think you need the one after all (but type two hyphens and hit enter to make it a dash). I don't think "side-effects" is hyphenated though. "Information indigestion" is an excellent phrase, and I like the assonance. When I try to sleep, all sorts of stuff churns back up, so I understand that. The ending is EXCELLENT. I love "belligerent fragments/of logic reserved/for unfound dreams." Your dreams do find an outlet when they can't find one in sleep. I've been to the point of hallucinating from lack of sleep, so I know how that is.
    | Posted on 2005-01-11 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]


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