I'm Not Yours by ashlee

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Submission Name: I'm Not Yours dots

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Author:	ashlee_jane2003
ASL Info:	24-female-Indianapolis
Elite Ratio:	3.39 - 210/210/39
Words:	121

Class/Type:	Poetry/The pain inside
Total Views:	337
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	760

Description:
I'm not for sure how well this one turned out so let me know what you think.

I'm Not Yours dots

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I'm not gonna pretend
that I know what goes through your head.
You could've had all my love
But you chose that whore instead.
I'm not gonna be your water
When the fire burns at your feet.
I wish I could be the nightmares
that wake you from your sleep.
I'm not gonna be the air
that constantly lets you breath.
And I'm not gonna be the fix
that you and I both need.
I'm not gonna be your shelter
in the cold and pouring rain.
I'm not gonna be the person
to take away your pain
I will be the reminder
deep in the back of your head
That won't let you be content
until the past, you regret.

Submitted on 2004-11-23 12:59:25 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Yes! Yes! Yes! Let him know how back he ****ed UP! YES!

This, I want to give to so many people in my life right now. Is that okey with you? LOL! J/K!
But, seriously. This is like...I'm so going to have to stalk you. I see this now. You're definitely getting stalked ASAP by me.
~BCute
| Posted on 2005-05-04 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow, this is some powerful stuff! Very bitter, but you still seem well-composed in your anger. I think the rhymes work even though it's a bit hard to find a cadence at the beginning; I would suggest maybe breaking this down a bit more. A looser structure might make it easier to read, and you wouldn't be so confined by syllables and punctuation.

"I wish I could be the nightmares
that wake you from your sleep."

"And I'm not gonna be the fix
that you and I both need."

My favorites right there. There is so much history and explanation in just those few phrases- you say so much with so few of words! Very good job, I like this quite a bit.
| Posted on 2004-11-26 00:00:00 | by mixedemotions00 | [ Reply to This ]
  This is really good. Definitely feel the anger here and the pain. awesome write, and although I can't say that I relate entirely; everybody has experienced something like this at one point or another. Great job.
J
| Posted on 2004-11-23 00:00:00 | by bentnotbroken | [ Reply to This ]
  This was good. I think that the word wh*re is kind of out of sort here though. You use proper language everywhere else then throw in that word. I don't know, it just isn't working to me. But other than that. Go ahead and keep writing. This has style to it.
| Posted on 2004-11-23 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
  i love this write**! i think the emotion u have is great. it sucks being "screwed" by someone for someone else. i know that feeling all to well. i like it just how it is. keep it up**
| Posted on 2004-11-23 00:00:00 | by _winky_ | [ Reply to This ]
  This IS very good kiddo! I Love it!

I'll have to put it on the fav list!

the only thing I'd suggest is to break it into verses...MUCH easier to read...

TeddyD
| Posted on 2004-11-30 00:00:00 | by TeddyD | [ Reply to This ]
  You could've had all my love
But you chose that whore instead.

The story of my freakin' life... haha. I'm really feeling this poem... and you know what... a few months ago this would have been perfect for me! And believe me... he DID regret it. We're actually together now... so who knows... things may get better... lol. But yeah... this was awesome... I love it.
<3
| Posted on 2004-12-01 00:00:00 | by mmmb0p | [ Reply to This ]
  I see this as a wonderful possibilty for some kick a$$ lyrics. I loved the straight forward emotions. It just had an Alanis feel to it. Sorta like her "you should of known"

I'm curious if this is based on a real life experience and if you were gracious enough to bless the poor boy with these words?
| Posted on 2004-12-06 00:00:00 | by Brownsdelight | [ Reply to This ]

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