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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Heartbreakerdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: grinninggashes
    ASL Info:    17/f/from sumwhere :)
    Elite Ratio:    3.27 - 154/124/25
    Words: 364
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Love
    Total Views: 1259
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1892



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHeartbreakerdots
    -------------------------------------------


    As the rain falls my tears help fill the colorless puddle. Questions sworm around in my head, like bees on the hunt for honey. What could I have possably done to overturn my fate? All I feel now is guilt and shame.. I'm better than that. The crimson colored drops slowly ooze out of the hole in my heart, and fill my stomach with pain of the memory that you caused. I've tried to patch the wound so the thoughts don't escape but the pain is too powerful for me to overcome. I feel powerless to the pain that corupts my every emotion and sends my precious world into termoil repeatedly without righteous cause. Eventually I'll surpass this undying pain, but for now it lives on taunting me with emotions I simply cannot fight. I hope you realize the carlessness of your actions and words were just not right and haunt my memory causing me to be blinded from waht society refers to as love. Being in the midst of love can be mind shattering but falilng so deep, like in a fresh new cut still glistening of the salty substance that stains lives unknowingly withoutdirect intentions. Watching other couples light up like a cresent moon fills me with an angry jealous rage. For all I desire and long for is my true love to not doubt me in a cruel unruly manner. All I long for is pure love with no evil intentions to puncture my heart. Love me for me, don't say it then harshly take it back and leave me in the dust without a single drop of water to quench my thirst. I'd never wish this heartache on my very worst enemy. Well I couldn't wish it upon anyone BUT my worst enemy. TIme to gather all the pieces that were unkindly shattered and mend my broken heart. That torture of picturing my soul with another is over, but the pain will never sieze for I never imagned the one i cared about most would turn out like the rest... a heart breaker..




    Submitted on 2004-11-23 16:26:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Wow, my eyes are blinded now! I insisted to read this one, it was hard to read but it was worth it! The images created are so good like in the part saying
    " I've tried to patch the wound so the thoughts don't escape but the pain is too powerful for me to overcome"

    I felt so many emotions in this one like Love and hate (and that's weird), also pain and anger too!

    I also think you should revise this one because of the spelling mistakes, like "possably" that should be "possibly" and "waht " that should be "what" and also "withoutdirect" it should be "without direct" and also "cresent " it should be "crescent", and also "sieze" it should ne "seize".

    I really liked the finale
    "but the pain will never sieze for I never imagned the one i cared about most would turn out like the rest... a heart breaker.."
    Very powerful words indeed.

    P.s one last advice, I think you should try or consider trying to put it in stanzas, so that it be easier to be read, anyway good one and keep it up.
    | Posted on 2004-11-23 00:00:00 | by Yousef | [ Reply to This ]
      I think there are a lot of good images buried in this work, but that it needs a lot of polishing. First of all, use spellcheck. Secondly, I understand that this is a very personal poem and looks like a result of freewriting. However, the train of thought writng usually needs editing before being sent out into the world. The best images are buried within thick confusing text. The beginning sentence is very strong, as are some of the other images. If it is not to painful to edit, I would love to see an updated version.
    | Posted on 2004-11-23 00:00:00 | by dreamexandra | [ Reply to This ]
      Just one suggest ... Write in a very different way.. like the layout is hard to read.. The words and stuf used are great its just HARD TO READ.. plz change format
    | Posted on 2004-11-23 00:00:00 | by Kueen_Emerald | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't think this is hard to read. A few misspelled words, yes, but hard to read, no. you are basically writing your words down like in a diary. I can relate to what you are saying here. My advise, make them love you first. Play the game. If you act like you don't want them, it kills them. They will want you even more. Screw the stanzas, versus, whatever. These are your thoughts. Write them however you think is suitable. This is not a poem. Too many people get used to seeing poems. Great write. Clean it up a little and it will be perfect.
    | Posted on 2004-11-29 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      very nice gashes... its good to see you writing something that comes from your heart... it was put down on paper beautifully... I know this cuz we have almost every class together, lmao. I am sorry that you had to expierence this pain, to write something so good... you are getting much better! keep it up!
    | Posted on 2004-11-29 00:00:00 | by ViCiOuSWrItEr | [ Reply to This ]


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