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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: weep for the livingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ariadne
    Elite Ratio:    4.11 - 99/85/26
    Words: 132
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1084
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 899



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsweep for the livingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I weep for the living
    yea, those who draw breath
    inhaling their sorrow
    in the wake of death

    my heart to the greiving
    would I could console
    they that lost fathers,
    lost daughters, lost souls

    Peace for the sorrowful,
    please let them go
    doomed to wander this earth
    too long; much to low

    What of the one lover
    empty on it's own?
    left without a partner,
    incomplete, alone

    pray for the brave sons of
    warriors just as true
    lost, not for themselves
    but others just like you

    think about the guilty
    whose spirit dies at last
    accidental death, a
    wrong they cant get past

    the dead have their reward
    some have much renown
    I weep for the living
    waiting for their own.




    Submitted on 2004-11-24 19:56:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I really liked this peice for you have beautiful imagery throughout your entire peom. You have wonderful flow and your ryhme scheme is great save for the last stanza, renown doesn't ryhme with own. It's a great eye rhyme for sure but when I speak the poem in my head it doesn't make for a good closure. I like the theme of this poem and it is a unique point of view.
    In the first paragraph you write "in the wake of death" this doesn't make sense becuase it suggests that after desath people still breathe. Wake means afterwards or in result of so this part seems a little ackward to the rest of that stanza, but I do love the way this stanza seems to just roll off the tongue.
    Stanza five is well done. It is so well ritten. The only thing that bothers me about this is many soldiers when in combat often want to die along with their fellow soldiers rather than live to see the end of war tha will haunt them forever.
    Very well written though. I honestly liked it a lot. Thanks for the read.
    | Posted on 2005-04-13 00:00:00 | by ConScribe | [ Reply to This ]
      Yeah, weeping for the dead because they get out of the reched world when most of us cant excape from the pains that boter us soo...
    Nice write though
    I like it alot Props

    Cheers
    | Posted on 2004-11-25 00:00:00 | by Abort_Chaotic | [ Reply to This ]
      why, indeed, weep for the dead? they are lucky enough to cross onto a place where forgetfullness of their earthly lives and hurts is in the water they drink and the bread they eat. weep, rather, for those who break down when they come across long forgotten momentos that are the last of their loved ones' presence, alive in objects as they couldn't while their laughter or raised voices still echoed in the hall.

    excellently written. none of this felt contrived, like some rhymed poetry seems to be. every wonderfully chosen word was sewn into this as if it always belonged exactly there. the flow was terrific and the nostalgic, saddening pictures you painted causes an ache in my chest that isn't the heartburn from the tacos i shouldn't have had earlier. great stuff, thanks for sharing. this is so a fave. =]

    ~Blue
    | Posted on 2004-11-24 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a pretty good poem but I don't understand why you would weep for the living and not the dead... or maybe I do understand...
    Oh nevermind!
    *This is a really good poem, I give it a vote of 5.
    | Posted on 2004-11-24 00:00:00 | by psycho_1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, I really like this one. There were a couple tiny spelling mistakes, but other than that I loved your concept. The rhyming was a good way to help it flow, but the idea behind the poem was a good one. I don't feel like getting into a whole religious discussion about my beliefs, so I won't, and I'll just end this by simply stating: good piece.
    ~ Delirium
    | Posted on 2004-11-24 00:00:00 | by Delirium | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with you completely about weeping for the living instead of the dead, contrary to what catholics believe, those who died get their reward, we cannot influence that. In the end, it will be us and God, just you and God, not family or friends can stand for you even if they wanted to, we are all accountable. I was having my doubts about "much too low" whether I thought that it "went" or not, but I guess you can use it there as a way of saying that this generation wallows too much in sorrow instead of reaching for hope. I disagree about being incomplete without a partner, because ever since I have met Jesus, I have not felt alone, ever since..I have forgotten what it felt like. All in all, I liked the idea of weeping for the living, that is who we are to weep for. For their souls because they will receive their reward. On stanzas three and four you capitilized but no where else that I see, I think it makes a poem sort of have a face lift when you capitilize and it makes others take you more serious. There is the non-capitilization fad going on, but I think that is just an uprising rebellion to act cool (or lazy) and stuff..anyways, nice write.
    | Posted on 2004-11-24 00:00:00 | by Indi Elf | [ Reply to This ]
      oooh. this is great! i really adore people who can write in rhymes. haha i suck at rhymes!

    the emotion is pretty well expressed in your piece dude. thumbs up!
    | Posted on 2004-11-24 00:00:00 | by plue | [ Reply to This ]
      WICKED! I love this!!! it's going in my favorites. This flows so perfectly! I would like to know what emotion you wrote this with, I mean it's obvious that your 'weeping of the living' but were you writting about a person? for a person?
    | Posted on 2004-11-24 00:00:00 | by Laveina | [ Reply to This ]


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