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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Twilight in Dresdendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Civilian
    ASL Info:    21/M/Australia
    Elite Ratio:    7.14 - 146/166/35
    Words: 219
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 2036
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1462



    Description:
       The idea for this poem came to me when I was thinking about human conflict, and realised that due to the extreme (and largely justified) anti-Nazism the suffering of Germany in WWII is often neglected. I decided to write about conflict and the destruction mankind has caused through the ages with Dresden as my focus. Please endure its length, and all comments are appreciated.
    Some facts that will be helpful in understanding this poem:
    Dresden- a German city subject to heavy fire-bombing by the Allies in 1945 (25-35,000 dead)
    Elbe- a river that passes through Dresden
    Hades- Greek god of the underworld

    There are many intertextual links, but I'll leave those to the perceptive reader to find.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTwilight in Dresdendots
    -------------------------------------------


    Twilight in Dresden, and the sable city
    Is encompassed in a dusky stupor.
    Day is dead, and the furnace that once raged
    Over the rolling hills is dormant, lost
    In the veil of the Western horizon.
    Even the pale, waning moon is smothered
    Behind the mellow down of mist that cradles
    Dresden from her doom, and the stilling sounds
    Of the night salve the sun-scorched earth. But as
    The city slumbers, the stars are cast forth
    As emissaries of revenge against
    The Inferno of the skies. Reflected
    On the silent waters of the Elbe,
    Dresden burns.

    Twilight in Dresden, and the stars lick the
    Streets, leaving torturous trails of fire.
    Hades breathes his embers to den and flesh
    Alike, and the streets themselves are pulsing
    With fiery constellations. The flames tear
    The sinews of the city and stampede
    Dresden like a mad bull in a macabre
    Ring- ebon pervades the firestorm as a match
    Doused in oil.

    The hearth subsides, baring the wasted pyre
    Of Dresden; molten pits of tar and ash
    Alloying with malleable flesh. The stars
    Dissolve back into the night and the fog
    Dissipates, revealing the urban stage
    To the unseeing moon- she weeps, but
    The fiery alter remains. Reflected
    On the silent waters of the Elbe,
    Dresden smoulders.




    Submitted on 2004-11-25 06:23:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I condemn our actions in Dresden as well. From what i've read it was unnecessary and perhaps unproductive although the former characteristic should have sufficed on its own to bar us from such nefarious action. War crime? Most definitely; but we were the victors so we illustrate these crimes at our leisure. You have a great vocabulary. I'm thoroughly impressed. Never ostentatious, but always apposite, you wield the lexicon with a might few can hope to emulate. As i've mentioned already the subject was dear to me, and your poetic description of it does it justice in many respects. Some impressions follow, as well as, perhaps negligible suggestions for i did find some exceptions IMHO to your generally consistently exquisite style. "Day is dead" works great: it's a clear and stark announcement that something has died along with the day's twilight. I wonder about "dormant". Dormant would seem to announce the fire's future awakening; if this is what you meant: that the propensity of humankind (although it tends to be mankind) will likely reveal itself yet again, then i think it passes muster. If not then i'm unsure as to what you mean by that word dormant. How does one "cradle" "from" something? I like the 'stilling sounds of the night salve the sun-scorched earth", although come to think of it, mb it could be just "scorched earth" since it's not the sun that burnt Dresden to the ground. What's "ebon" in this context? Ebon means black right? "Hearth' seems a little too warm and comforting for the hell that was just let loose on the city, no? "Alloying with malleable flesh" cerainly luridly communicates the horror of the days events. Again, similar to "dormant", "smoulders", although in its literal sense, perfectly appropriate, reminds of something that awaits the opportune moment to strike back with vengeance, a festering of sorts. I'm nitpicky because you unassailably have a lot of talent. I enjoyed very much reading this powerful poem. :) Peace
    Raz
    | Posted on 2005-05-07 00:00:00 | by razmohin2 | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece speaks of a maturity and capacity for tender consideration that is well beyond your years. this is something that I certainly would not be capable of. I do not feel I have the authority to critique with any weight how you have written this profound piece but rather my humble impression of the poem on the whole i can offer. It has a sad and incredibly sobering quality that is unique to your style. You have amazing powers to make the reader feel the heat and see the flames and yet feel the hurt of the city. Keep writing Civilian because not only do you have important things to say but you certainly know how to say them.
    Incredible.
    | Posted on 2004-11-25 00:00:00 | by HaAtzmah | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very sad, and the image where "the stars lick the street" is particularly beautiful, kinda reminiscent of heaven falling down. Wunderbar!!

    | Posted on 2004-11-25 00:00:00 | by adamastor | [ Reply to This ]
      I can not begin to praise you, merely enough for your efforts -in regards to this overwhelming piece... You are indeed talented! I really am, entirely captivated... your words are bold, rich and mellifluous. Personification is a uselful tool in that you had intelligently executed... "the stars licked the streets*... I find this effective yet abstract -merely my personal thought. I found this piece rather mutlifaceted and thought provoking... I am really, really impressed... You will go far, with your works and such! oxo~Snow~
    | Posted on 2004-11-25 00:00:00 | by Romanticist | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very, very good as a description of the burning city. I'm worried though; I think I may have read something VERY similar to this. But I can't put my finger on it.. did you post this anywhere else?

    It's not poetry, imho. I think it's prose as there's little in the way of cadence. However that's not a bad thing. Not at all.

    What I like about this is the intensity of the devastation which becomes clear. I like the repetition which is altered slightly, and the unusual vocabulary. I would have liked to see a little more description as to the city so that I could "see" it a bit more clearly... the houses, people, the roofs? (or "rooves"?!)

    Because you seem to concentrate solely upon the fire and its havoc. That's good and fine but personally it could do with a little fleshing out. Fire and destruction is easy to imagine but the intricacies of a place are not, you know?
    Good work, all the same :)
    | Posted on 2004-11-30 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]


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