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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Rejectdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ladiesplanet1
    ASL Info:    23.cali baby
    Elite Ratio:    3.58 - 720/463/165
    Words: 26
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 614
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 145



    Description:
       This is just something short that popped into my mind a while back. What do you think?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRejectdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Eject, reject, push rewind.
    I wish that you would only die.
    I hate you, but I love you too.
    You keep me feeling oh, so blue.




    Submitted on 2004-11-25 12:57:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This was a great begining but I agree, there is short and sweet and then then a one liner. I'm sure with talent like that you could give it a fullness that could make it remarkable.
    | Posted on 2004-11-25 00:00:00 | by Forgiven | [ Reply to This ]
      i agree, its something you could make into a really interesting piece, just dont try too hard. let the rest of it come to you just as naturally as this did
    | Posted on 2004-11-25 00:00:00 | by ellisa | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved that first line, 'eject, reject, push rewind." I thought it was really original and made for an amazing opener for this poem. The rest was good too but I felt like it became sort of clichéd, at least in teh way that you describe your feelings 'I hate you, but I love you too' I've heard that line in at least a third of the poems that I've read on this site. It's not that I don't use some of these overused lines myself, but in a poem of this legth I'd advise against it. Also, the imagary wasn't too original either, with the exception of maybe that first.

    My advice is to go back and take this idea, which definitely has potential, and try to add more imagery and describe these feelings in a new way.

    This was a decent poem. I think it sets a great foundation and you should take advantage of that. It has potential to be really amazing. Keep up the good work
    | Posted on 2004-11-25 00:00:00 | by Babysweet56 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a Splenda poem. It has all the information of a regular poem, without extra words, that sometimes make poems suck. I like this, it has potential, but maybe adding a little more wouldn't hurt. Let all of your anger out, don't bottle it up or you'll just brake something.
    | Posted on 2004-11-25 00:00:00 | by Klotho | [ Reply to This ]
      Damn keep going... your rhyming calls for a lot more of it... you cant just end it here. Dont let yourself get carried with the whole ranintg/ venting thing about i hate you/i love you theme,.. little exhausted but if you lengthen it and prove it wrong.. you can def. go places with it.. GOod start!
    | Posted on 2004-11-25 00:00:00 | by Josh | [ Reply to This ]
      I think the first line is the best because it sets the rhythm for the rest of the piece and is also a much more innocent line than the rest of the line, which I think is rather built around that first line. Still, you kept it nice and simple, when you could have gone off onto so many different paths, so kudos for that, and also for an ending I wasn't expecting. Good write!
    | Posted on 2004-11-29 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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