And Then You Were Gone by Leila

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Submission Name: And Then You Were Gone dots

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Author:	Leila
ASL Info:	19/female/South Africa
Elite Ratio:	4.23 - 98/85/18
Words:	74

Class/Type:	Poetry/Nostalgia
Total Views:	496
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	536

Description:
Treasure your friends and family, I always say.

And Then You Were Gone dots

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It was a perfect day
when I saw you last.
We lived in the moment,
forgetting the past.

We sipped our tea
and played our chess,
like every Sunday,
escaping priests' protests.

We made our fun
giggling at passers-by.
Remember Mrs My-poodle-is-better-than-you?
I think she's met some guy.

Our final moments were sweet,
as we parted beside the tarn.
I said to see you next week,
and then you were gone.

Submitted on 2004-11-27 06:37:59 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Simply a simple pome with a beautifull reflection of well spent time. Sitting on a porch watching the sun go by gossiping. Playing a game of chess,sipping tea wow. It really is moments we live for u painted a beautiful picture. Of more then just stop and smell the roses. you painted lets pick some together and put them in a vase Put them on the mantle on a cold winter day over the fire place yes a nice reflection indeed.
| Posted on 2006-04-14 00:00:00 | by Gannondalf | [ Reply to This ]
  I really liked the picture that I got from this poem. I could almost see the places you wrote about, which makes it that much more real.

Although it did seem to bump a little bit in the rhythm, I don't think that a few little things like that need to make it abad poem. Rather, I feel that it added a human touch to it, because as humans we are not always perfectly in rhythm.
| Posted on 2005-07-25 00:00:00 | by TylerP | [ Reply to This ]
  i get a really nice vivid picture when reading this. I almost wish I were a part of it. It sounds alot cooler than what I did today.

poetically i notice a few speed bumps as far as meter is concerned. of course you might not be concerned with such trivialties. I do bring it up because some of it flows seemlessly while other parts are a little off. (meter)

As I said previously though, the content just overshadows any poetic flaws for me and I really enjoyed the piece. Thanks for sharing this day in the park.

peace,m.fizzle
| Posted on 2004-11-27 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]
  Simple but insightful imagery in your poem... that's what I see anyway. I like the way how you wrote this in a very simple way to portray the meaningful message. For example, like you used sipping tea - things like that - the simple things in life that we do with our loved ones. That sometimes we do not realise will soon only remain as memories. Yeah, I agree with you: we should treasure our family and friends - because any moment now, anything could happen, you never know.

I liked this poem, though I think the rhythm needs a bit of work here and there.
| Posted on 2004-11-27 00:00:00 | by zhi wei | [ Reply to This ]
  I really do like this!

It is a personal poem and is very conversational in tone. it is so like people who are close talking together. This is a theme I probably enjoy above all others, and i believe I've commented on similar toned poems in the past.

I like the way the poem has that "in-joke" line. By that I mean, I certainly have no idea who "Mrs my-poodle-is-better-than-you" is, but I realize that I have several long standing "code jokes" with my nearest and dearest.

You know, sometimes we concentrate on the subject of loss, and this often removes us from the memory of that person and would draw the poem into a very introspective and muddy genre. But I feel that it is better sometimes, as you have done, to remember that person and to write about them as if they were still there. Burns', McDairmid, Scott, and Elliot have all used the same device in some of their work.

It is finished with "And then you were gone", which in 5 words puts across the feeling that ten verses from dozens of other poets cannot put across in ten verses. I believe that this is because you have made us the passers- by. We, the readers have become the witnesses to this exclusive relationship.

Whether intentionally or unintentionally, this is one of the best poems I have read this year and I could probably write a full essay on it rather than a comment... I would hope that this has been deliberately devised..

Poetic flaws Mister Fizzle. My arse, I certainly can't find them. Conversation among friends has a varying meter, and this poem reflects that. Remember they are playing chess on a Sunday, probably would't be against the clock.

This is very very good work and is indeed lofty praise from a grump like me.. If I knew how to add a favorite..I would!
| Posted on 2004-11-27 00:00:00 | by Sanny | [ Reply to This ]

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