There''s so many different artistic aspects to this poem. It's remarkable. It's Amazing. Beautiful, Contagious, Devouring, Ecstasy, G well i think you get the point, and so before i show that i've just learned my ABCs i'll get back to your poem from wheres it sent me. To begin your layout is dramatic: The three before your mid-point linking together then the three after linking together. The longing before and the result one wd hope for after the touch of your lips (well not your exactly yours).
The balance in opposition at every level, the standouts words and these outlyingwords contra the verses in some sense recall in my runaway (hey come back here) mind the opposition between the two lovers and what they're investing in the relationship.
That expression desiccated lips just creeped me out phenomenally. The allusions to the exchange of the big C-carnal knowledge are great, and evokative. What can i say? Nicely done. :) Peace Raz
The adjectives of this piece are fairly weighty and bog things down a bit. As I delve into your older poems, I really begin to see a progression of you as poet. Your skills are much improved now. Allow me to illustrate what I mean <and don't worry, I caught Silverdog doing this with a poem recently and did the same thing . . . it happens!>
If I look hard enough I can see
Desire in your <wintry-blue eyes> My <naked self> exposed in the fire
Longing on your <desiccated lips> As they approach my <arching neck>
Rapture on your <impassive face> Deception overwhelmed by ecstasy
If I look hard enough I can see
Forever in our <untangled hands> A chain of <tenderness unbroken>
Fidelity in your <cheating hips> As they tremble for my thrust only
Devotion in the small of your <wavering back> As you dress and walk away from me
If I look hard enough I can see
You see what I mean? Chokes the life right out of it, doesn't it? Your new stuff is light years beyond this kind of writing . . . but I will continue reading anyways, if for no other reason, so that you can see how far you've come through my eyes. I know you have an ego investment here and I'm trampling the hell outta the thing, but you're just gonna have to suck it up, bubba. You know where my heart is and if this proves anything, it proves I'm still giving you my best, honest criticisms.
I dont think there is anything I can say that has not been said already. (BEEP) A feeling I once knew. Unfortunatley for me I had a child with her. So be it, but he is a great kid. I wish you wrote this poem so I could not see what I did when I looked hard enough.
sounds like my last relationship-if you could call it that! that one hit home hard. it's nice to know that i'm not the only one out there feeling that way. i like how you write about real issues. no fikkle emotion...everything so real.
Well, this is another interesting word collage. "Desire/in your wintry-blue eyes/My naked self exposed in the fire" is interesting. I like the fire imagery. I like the double meaning of it too. Surely it's a literal romantic fire and one inside of yourself. "Wintry blue eyes" is a nice opposite image for effect; it strengthens the fire.
I find "Longing/on your desiccated lips" to be a suitably odd image. The dry lips make this "make believe" apparent.
"Fidelity/in your cheating hips/As they tremble for my thrust only" makes it apparent as to why this is a one-sided relationship. I think we've all be on one side or the other of that game in which people cheat.
"Devotion/in the small of your wavering back/As you dress and walk away from me" makes her sound truly "wintry." Women, in general, like to cuddle afterwards, so she's really being cold.
This is a nice evocative write. I like the format of the poem and the sarcastic title.
This has left me pleasantly surprised. Most poems that try to convey this much passion either leave me feeling a little queasy and violated or nothing at all. What I tend to pick out and focus on in a poem is usually what my professor is emphasizing in class during the semester (my mind is still in the molding process because I am just beginning to get into the English major.) So now I can tell you that I am enamoured by the structure of this piece. You effectively get your reader to focus on each stanza by stating the emotion and then expanding with a simply constructed yet powerful description. The simple and reptitious construction mirrors the openness of the speaker when it comes to these raw emotions. I love the intimate tone that sways on this spectrum of love and resentment. No complaints here, just nice work.
i love the sex and deception here... it really reveals nakedly how blind love is and how so easily one can turn lust into love and get attached and invision your marriage and retirment all in a single moment only to realize it is pointless and go back to being lust again. great use of one word punches or something... i really like the choppiness of it all.
It's almost as if you are seeing what you want to see in this person. "Fidelity in your cheating hips As they tremble for my thrust only" That's a good one. Really like how the hips have fidelity and cheating...such a wealth of ideas that this could be...confusion in desire vs. shoulds. The brain vs. the lust...it all ties in with the exitement of a desirous situation.
This is good. It has a feeling of longing for something that you desparately long for, but would reality be as good?
"If I look hard enough I can see almost anything"...Brilliant.
I cracked a huge smile at this one, and I may be way off the bat. But to my mind that line throws a shadow of doubt over the full poem. It's like you are projecting all this stuff on this person. But everything you are finding may only be in your own head. Very clever stuff.
First off I would like to say that this peice is love and lust in its most raw form. You have done a lovely job. I agree with Daniel Barlow, you only need to change a couple of words. The help you received should be greatly rewarded. I cannot even pick a favorite part of the peice because I loved it all. I give it 5 stars! *Amanda*
it is interesting how you created a story in some sense in your poem. i like your style of writing. it is unique. and what this also does is that it creates a picture in the readers mind. and we all know what these two people were doing.!
No, I didn't read the original, but I love this one. The perspective you've chosen shows a normal reaction to a cheating partner. We would save all of it, well, at first but not second thought. I like how you've painted our imaginations around this everyday scene, and then we find the truth coming out like a lion. Sad to think you've done this, sorry. It's a great poem. peace, nansofast
Hey there...I did read the original of this piece. I definatly like where you've taken it. It's very well written. The flow is consistent, the idea you portrayed was very clear. Great write my dear. Much love.
I cant judge how the revision went, as I cant find the original. I really enjoyed this piece, though. the form is creative; simple enough to allow wonderful expressive images, yet enough structure to make for an easy-flowing read.
seems like you see what you want to see in your make-believe love. isnt that what we all do? ;)
At first glance I thought the fragmented style of the poem will detract from it's impact but it doesn't really affect the flow of the words. I like what you've done here - I haven't read the first one... but I think this one is great and doesn't need to be any longer.
Dave - Sorry that I missed the first version. This is another brilliant piece. I'll say up front that it can be improved, but not by much. I love the concept and the form. Each stanza being an emotion or idea, with an obvious proof of just the opposite, almost oxymoronic, as in "Fidelity - in your cheating hips" followed by his justification of her actions, and that being his expression of the emotion, "as they tremble only for my thrust". And the ending, Dave, is perfect, "almost anything". Here is what I would change:
"If I look hard enough I can see"
I like this slight change to the form, and then keep each starting line to just one word "Desire, longing, rapture, forever, fidelity, devotion". End it:
"If I look hard enough I can see"
Other small items: Stanza "Desire" why not change "self" to "soul", and 'the" to "their". Stanza "Longing" try "my waiting neck". Stanza "Rapture" change "fulfillment" to "glow".Stanza "Forever" switch out "untangled" and use "unjoined" and make it "these chains". Stanza "Fidelity" I know what you're after, but the word "only is a misplaced modifier. This line needs to change.
I truly love this poem. I think it is brilliant, and I hope you do make a few more changes to make it as great as possible.
I wouldn't change more than a word or two in this. It's so refreshing to read good freeverse. I'm exposed to so much rubbish that I'm always very cautious when I read it. The beauty of this piece is in the way it's developed and closed out. By the end of the poem we see the narrator as a poor wretched soul when all the hints at imperfection have been pointed at the object of his affection...instead of seeing how ugly she is we are left with the image of a gentle soul that has been wrecked upon a ragged one. I feel maybe you could say "their fire" when refering to her wintry eyes...also you might consider that if you leap into your subtle but nonetheless negative descriptions of "her" than in a way the poem has peaked at the beginning and then you're treading the tight-rope of repetition. By that I mean that you've set yourself up for a series of repeated phrases where the words are different but the devices used are the same. You have some exceptional phrases that allow you to get away with it but I feel you might enrich the poem showing us a view that sits a little further back in the timeline...back before his eyes had seen that she is a biyach...back when the dream was alive...in that way you can create some variation and show development. If the reader could see a little of her untainted beauty then wouldn't it make for a greater comparison and a more lasting impact at poem's end? Just some thoughts...I read "sway" but not today (~_^) I think I've found another poet who speaks to me. I've cheated you a little because the phrases really are wonderful and deserve closer attention. Your writing captures emotion and there are few who can do that. In lots of ways your writing is like girlinthephoto's & that's about the highest compliment I could pay someone. DB
ha! Know what I am thinking??? Brilliant! WHy did you not let me know this one was hanging around? This is so much of my taste. From the overwelming comments on this you know its good and I think every approach has been said so I will save my fingers for the night and go to bed with a repeating phrase.. " If I look hard enough, I can almost see anything". Dana