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    dots Submission Name: Cornereddots

    Author: Pyrosis
    ASL Info:    24/M/TN
    Elite Ratio:    4.13 - 199/204/35
    Words: 267
    Class/Type: Poetry/What you did
    Total Views: 786
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1605

       Well this is something I felt compelled to write.. I wanted to do this last night after it happened but i was just to tired.. It takes place in a huge stock room at Woodson's Supermarket.. The poem tells exactly what happened and that is the way i wanted it to be told.. i know many of you are going to think i'm some kind of a monster now but i did everything i knew to do.. I feel horrible about this.. i guess i just want to know what you think about it.. god i wish this never happened.. i feel like it's my fault.. *sigh*

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Laughter by myself and another as we reach the stock room
    We're laughing at something I had said about Tim
    I turn my back to look around the Icy room
    "lol look there, we've got enough mice don't we?"

    Turning around, I find two emerald eyes staring longingly upon me
    Before I had the chance to reason or even say one word
    Her lips touched mine as she sought to taste my soul
    I could taste hers.. I could feel the lust in her heart
    It was a poison spreading.. Awakening the deepest guilt in me

    Finally the embrace was severed.. I had the chance to speak
    "Candice.... Nick loves you very much... This is wrong..."
    With a small smile that rose like the first undead.. she spoke
    "Nick doesn't have to know..."

    Again her lips sought mine.. and again I knew I would taste acid
    Screams were echoing in my head to stop this..
    So I did what I thought right..
    I severed the link before I was poisoned utterly by her..

    "Candice.. I don't love you.. I couldn't.. Nick is a good friend to me.."
    "This is just wrong.. I'm sorry, I won't do this"
    And so I left, I would leave again if given the chance..
    Though I wish now it was done better

    I said what I thought should be said
    I did only what I knew to do
    Though I could never be perfect
    I pray I did something right..

    The guilt still remains...

    Submitted on 2004-11-28 07:30:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Firstly: I must say I'm confused- your moral dilemma would appear to be null and void when taken at face value. But I'll come to that later. I liked 'Torso of Adele''s description of the poem as a confession- I really do get the impression of a sinner confessing to a priest, or God. It also comes across as a psychological drama where the narrator (you) is trying to come to terms with events and rationalise what has happened. As such, it gives the reader an appealing insight into what 'makes you tick'. Rhyme and rhythm have been sacrificed in your poem, as has figurative language (with one or two honourable exceptions). However, I do not think that this is a fault, as it shows that you are not concerned with the trivial technicalities when an important theme is being discussed. I thought the simile describing her smile as 'like the first undead' and the metaphor of tasting your soul for kissing were very apt, and show that you are know how to say things as well as what to say- well done.

    Now I come to the 'psychoanalytic reading' . I cannot see how you are suffering a scarred conscience over the incident if you are sharing the events in their entirity with your audience. There are a few things I would like to ask you to verify, which would hopefully help me to clarify the situation (if the questions are too personal don't answer).

    1. Were you attracted to this girl, and had you thought about kissing her before?
    2. Did you actively participate in 'the kiss'?
    3. Did you suspect that 'Candice' would do this?
    4. In 'severing' the embrace, did you hurt her?

    If the answer to all these questions is 'no', I cannot think of any reason for your guilt and will join hte hoards of supporters who encourage you to move on as it was in no way your fault.

    Overall a very good write, but I get the feeling you gave the reader more insight into your mindscape than you were aiming for.
    | Posted on 2004-11-28 00:00:00 | by Civilian | [ Reply to This ]
      You described this tantalizing and intriguing. I felt shivers up and down my spine reading it. *Maybe it's the effects of the spider but still...* LOL I really liked this part,
    "I could taste hers.. I could feel the lust in her heart
    It was a poison spreading.. Awakening the deepest guilt in me"
    That's great writing no matter if the situation was wrong or not. I think you need to tell your friend but that's just me. Good write and good luck. Hopefully she won't try to taste your soul again. :)
    | Posted on 2004-11-28 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      why feel guilty? you stopped it didn't you. sometimes you get caught in the moment and it just happens, but you stopped it before it went to far. i like the way you composed this write. but don't feel bad, you did the right thing. the emotion was good in this and i commend you for doing what you thought was right.
    | Posted on 2004-11-28 00:00:00 | by _winky_ | [ Reply to This ]

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