[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Mechanicaldots

    Author: PastelSky
    ASL Info:    18/F/In the clouds
    Elite Ratio:    4.24 - 181/223/49
    Words: 93
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 843
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 684

       I'd have to say the poem's pretty straightfoward. I'm specifically looking for writing critique or advice. Thank you for reading :D.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    We hide behind walls,
    Listening to that electric guitar play,
    Drinking coffee at Starbucks
    To make us live through the day.
    Behind a silver screen of dots and lines;
    To move or talk,
    To do anything at all.
    But, when the wind starts blowing,
    We shut the windows,
    Lock the shutters,
    And swallow the key.
    When the sun sets and rises,
    We open our eyelids;
    Wearing sunglasses
    As if nothing was amiss.
    We act mechanical sometimes,
    We act mechanical sometimes,
    But even fake roses look beautiful.
    Just open up
    The blinds.

    Submitted on 2004-11-29 19:07:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Hmm... Writing advice. I always feel like a hyporcrite when I try to give that out. ^_^ But I will anyway.

    My advice would be to break it up into stanza's. It is nice how it is, but I think if you would break it up, maybe add a dash or two after the words like "Captivated", then that would help give it a more slow flow. And then, in the parts where you don't add that information, it would speed up again. I think that this would be really cool if it had a slow, then fast, then slow pace again. That doesn't work for a lot of poems, but this seems like the type of one where it would work.

    Besides that, I don't see any way you could make this poem better. Nice write,

    | Posted on 2004-11-29 00:00:00 | by Maki Kyomada | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this poem. It does a good job of portraying the mechanical motions that all of us go through sometimes to get through something. This was a very good poem from the title to the last line. well done!

    In His service,
    | Posted on 2004-11-29 00:00:00 | by littleshuford | [ Reply to This ]
      Yeah ok this is cool. Hmmm...writing advice. (laughs out loud) um i think you're asking the wrong person. or the wrong person is responding. but i'll give what i can. a) i liked the idea b) i thought the wording was good overall. i think you could say something about how still everything is in contrast to the wind blowing in the later lines. also, the rhyming at the beggining is alright to get started, but afterwards i notied the lack of rhyme for the rest of the entire poem, and it seemsed awkward- almost...mechanical...hehehe.
    c) when you use punctuation, it's important not to interrupt the flow of the poem. i'd erase the comma after "But, when the wind starts..." Also, i'd combine the last two lines.
    d) i feel like this every time i go to work. don't it suck?
    nice write.
    | Posted on 2004-11-29 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    HeroĆ­na written by MyPeriodical
    Scared written by MyPeriodical
    Stance written by Daniel Barlow
    Quoth The Skies and its limits written by MyPeriodical
    Silly Rulers. written by MyPeriodical
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Their fine denial written by MyPeriodical
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Untitled written by _winky_
    Leyenda de Un Maldito Cobarde written by MyPeriodical
    Canalizar written by MyPeriodical
    Broken Promises written by S.A.M.
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Tired Vine written by MyPeriodical
    written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled written by MyPeriodical
    not alone written by Daniel Barlow
    In God's Name written by poetotoe
    Comparisons written by MyPeriodical
    A Donde Llegamos written by MyPeriodical
    Remedies written by MyPeriodical
    Two hundred and seven times written by MyPeriodical
    Behest [krb + drb] written by Daniel Barlow
    That Kind of Love Never Brought Me Flowers written by Jazzy
    written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    The annointed one is persecuted. written by MyPeriodical
    I am a sorry son. written by MyPeriodical
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Blues written by TheStillSilence




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]