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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Mechanicaldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PastelSky
    ASL Info:    18/F/In the clouds
    Elite Ratio:    4.24 - 181/223/49
    Words: 93
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 835
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 684



    Description:
       I'd have to say the poem's pretty straightfoward. I'm specifically looking for writing critique or advice. Thank you for reading :D.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMechanicaldots
    -------------------------------------------


    We hide behind walls,
    Listening to that electric guitar play,
    Drinking coffee at Starbucks
    To make us live through the day.
    Captivated
    Behind a silver screen of dots and lines;
    Unmotivated
    To move or talk,
    To do anything at all.
    But, when the wind starts blowing,
    We shut the windows,
    Lock the shutters,
    And swallow the key.
    When the sun sets and rises,
    We open our eyelids;
    Wearing sunglasses
    As if nothing was amiss.
    We act mechanical sometimes,
    We act mechanical sometimes,
    But even fake roses look beautiful.
    Just open up
    The blinds.




    Submitted on 2004-11-29 19:07:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hmm... Writing advice. I always feel like a hyporcrite when I try to give that out. ^_^ But I will anyway.

    My advice would be to break it up into stanza's. It is nice how it is, but I think if you would break it up, maybe add a dash or two after the words like "Captivated", then that would help give it a more slow flow. And then, in the parts where you don't add that information, it would speed up again. I think that this would be really cool if it had a slow, then fast, then slow pace again. That doesn't work for a lot of poems, but this seems like the type of one where it would work.

    Besides that, I don't see any way you could make this poem better. Nice write,

    -Meredith
    | Posted on 2004-11-29 00:00:00 | by Maki Kyomada | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this poem. It does a good job of portraying the mechanical motions that all of us go through sometimes to get through something. This was a very good poem from the title to the last line. well done!

    In His service,
    shuford
    | Posted on 2004-11-29 00:00:00 | by littleshuford | [ Reply to This ]
      Yeah ok this is cool. Hmmm...writing advice. (laughs out loud) um i think you're asking the wrong person. or the wrong person is responding. but i'll give what i can. a) i liked the idea b) i thought the wording was good overall. i think you could say something about how still everything is in contrast to the wind blowing in the later lines. also, the rhyming at the beggining is alright to get started, but afterwards i notied the lack of rhyme for the rest of the entire poem, and it seemsed awkward- almost...mechanical...hehehe.
    c) when you use punctuation, it's important not to interrupt the flow of the poem. i'd erase the comma after "But, when the wind starts..." Also, i'd combine the last two lines.
    d) i feel like this every time i go to work. don't it suck?
    nice write.
    | Posted on 2004-11-29 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]


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