i wish i was alcohol by poetsoul

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Submission Name: i wish i was alcohol dots

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Author:	poetsoul
ASL Info:	17/f/cali
Elite Ratio:	2.47 - 109/151/32
Words:	114

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	306
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	716

Description:

i wish i was alcohol dots

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i wish i was alcohol
so i can dissolve inside inside you
warm your blood
make you feel invicible

i wish i was alcohol
so i could travel through your blood
learn your passions
erase your fears

i wish i was alcohol
so i could feel your ecstasy
control you
melt your feelings away

i wish i was alcohol
so i could be the one to make you feel whole
to be your ever faithful
and never let you down

i wished i was alcohol
so i could have been there when you died
felt your regret
to take your last breath
that would have made you sober

Submitted on 2004-11-30 15:38:22 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
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4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I myself drank the past away and when i sober up it hits me harder. This poem doesnt have any thing to change in my mind. I havent been drinking so much lately and its driving me crazy. This poem reminds me of all the days that i have drank away and blown away and for what is the only thing im asked, they will never understand. You have alot of emotion behind your words and its good to write it down then to actually do it.

Thanks for the write and take care.

ACE
| Posted on 2005-03-08 00:00:00 | by Ace | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi :) checked out your author page... a Cobain fan, eh? I'm presuming your personal quote has something to do with his decision... if so, I agree with you... I felt the same way the day his death was announced... babbling, sorry.. on to your poem now hehe ;)

I must admit it is the first time I read something of the sort... out of the ordinary to say the least :) as I was reading, the idea became more concrete and the end sure took me by surprise... it was an unexpected twist... it's tragic but gives a stronger sense to the character's wish to be alcohol... I'd say very justifiable...

like some have pointed out... there are few spelling and word choices to be revised but I wouldn't go as far as saying that it kills the meaning of your expression though... I enjoyed your creativity as I find your idea stands out... it's original :) good work :)

thanks for taking the time to read and comment on my posting... I appreciate it a lot :) *hug* xx
| Posted on 2004-12-14 00:00:00 | by Fiine Moods | [ Reply to This ]
  I like the similie with alcohol. I can understand this poem very well as I have had past alcoholic boyfriends. I like the peice a lot. Its great!
| Posted on 2004-12-14 00:00:00 | by Indigo Kid | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a really great poem . I never would have thought about an idea like that. I especially liked "i wish i was alchol
so i could have been there when you died
felt your regret
to take your last breath
that would have made you sober "
these lines were really good.
| Posted on 2004-12-13 00:00:00 | by shombray | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey there. Wow, this is a really good write. Very original...the only change I would suggest would be this:

In the first stanza you wrote

"i wish i was alcohol
so i can dissolve inside inside you"

That "i" should be capitalized. "I" is always capitalized when you are referring to yourself. And you put "can" instead of "could" I'm not sure if that was intentional or not, but it would fit it better and flow better with "could" instead of "can" because you used "could" in all the rest of the stanzas...Anyhoo...I really love this piece. Much love to ya.
| Posted on 2004-11-30 00:00:00 | by Juliets_dagger | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey there. Wow, this is a really good write. Very original...the only change I would suggest would be this:

In the first stanza you wrote

"i wish i was alcohol
so i can dissolve inside inside you"

That "i" should be capitalized. "I" is always capitalized when you are referring to yourself. And you put "can" instead of "could" I'm not sure if that was intentional or not, but it would fit it better and flow better with "could" instead of "can" because you used "could" in all the rest of the stanzas...Anyhoo...I really love this piece. Much love to ya.
| Posted on 2004-11-30 00:00:00 | by Juliets_dagger | [ Reply to This ]
  This was kinda on the rocks for me, I've conquered my alcohol abuse several years ago.
Never did it do anything close to what you picture here, unless i just did not understand how to let it use me!
Still this was a neat idea, and the flow of ideas was well taken, now if someone else might see it will kill them, you have done your job. Thats my wish for this to tell the hidden message, alcohol will kill.
| Posted on 2004-11-30 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
  Sorry, made a few changes:

I wish I was alcohol,
I would dissolve inside you,
Warm your blood,
Make you feel invisible.

Travel through your blood,
Learn your passions,
Erase your fears.

Feel your ecstasy,
Control you,
Melt your feelings away.

Be the one to make you feel whole,
Be your ever faithful,
Never let you down.

I wished I was alcohol,
So i could have been there when you died,
Felt your regret,
To take your last breath,
That would have made you sober.

Didn't mean to take over your work. Just thought it would appear and sound better this way. The "could"s in the beginning should have been "would"s. You are talking currently. The last verse should have "could" because it is the past. Great write with a lot of meaning. Alcohol will take over. Powerful work.
| Posted on 2004-11-30 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
  The ending sure took a turn that I wasn't expecting. The title to this caught my eye... who doesn't like alcohol?... but it was different than I was expecting. Good work though. I usually don't like repetition but it worked well in this poem. If you care, you put 'inside' twice in the second line.
| Posted on 2004-11-30 00:00:00 | by WaxingPoetic | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow this is really original, I guess that's why it interested me. It seems to be in a loving way too, I though by the title it was just going to be crazy and I wasn't looking forward to that, but you really did well. Hope to see more of these
| Posted on 2004-11-30 00:00:00 | by Chicool2 | [ Reply to This ]
  It should be "I wish I were alcohol" because hypotheticals require the subjunctive mood (as in "I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner"). I don't think you need the your before "ever faithful." I kind of get annoyed when people don't know that modern poets don't always follow the standard rules of punctuaton. H.D. and ee cummings took care of that. The last stanza is a bit disturbing. This sounds like something my ex would love. He was a real drunk.
| Posted on 2004-11-30 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]

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